Over The Rainbow
by Sweet Tranquility
Summary: Bella had everything - her prince charming, white picket fence, job she loved. But the laws of probability catch up to her and she finds herself amidst a world of doctors, hospitals, and treatments and all that she loves is threatened. A/H, a few lemons.
1. Angel

**Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. **

**Chp now beta'd by the wonderful women from Project Team Beta - Mrs. Dazzled & Tiffanyanne3. Huge thank you's go out to these two for not only their fantastic input, but for taking the time to read through a new story.**

**Song Credit - Angel *DMB*  
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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

"My sweet Bella," he said softly as he grazed his lips across the knuckles of my left hand.

"Edward…" I whispered.

"My Bella, I love you so much."

I wanted to tell him the same, to smile at him and tell him over and over just how much he meant to me. All I could manage was the closing of my eyes and a sigh.

As I lay in the hard, sterile hospital bed with nothing but the sounds of heart rate machines, IV monitors, and my own shallow, ragged breathing attempting to match the ins and outs of my husband's, my mind was overwhelmed with flashes of the life I had lived up to that point.

Edward and I met my freshmen year of college. He was a junior year student advisor, helping us lowly freshman find our way around campus, telling us the rules of the cafeteria, and the secrets to college living.

I had no intention of dating throughout college. I had ended a year-long relationship a few weeks prior to moving into campus housing and was left with nothing but angst towards all men. I wanted to focus on my degree, get through school, and begin my life as an adult.

I was assigned to Edward's tour group, not taking any particular interest in the guy who was probably forced, either as punishment or credits toward his degree, into taking time out of his weekend to be on campus. As we walked around campus, however, I could sense the passion he had for our alma mater. The way he spoke while giving the history of each building, campus life stories, and tips on which classes to avoid; I found myself entranced.

As we neared the end of the tour, we were served a light lunch in the student center. Crappy sandwiches with stale bread, bagged potato chips, and bottled water.

_They really pulled out all the stops_, I thought to myself.

"I promise the food in the cafeteria is better than this," I heard a soft, confident voice say beside me.

Edward stood there, picking apart the "food" before throwing it back down and just grabbing a bag of chips. His hair was disheveled, sticking out in every direction, and yet it was perfect. I found myself trying to come up with a name to give the color of his hair, when he looked down at me and gave a sideways smirk.

"Good to know," I said shyly before turning and taking an enormous gulp of water.

"Are you completely overwhelmed yet?" he asked as we moved down the line.

"Mildly," I replied.

He quirked his eyebrow at me.

"Okay, completely." I chuckled.

"You'll fall into step. This is a great school."

"Yeah," I said lamely.

"So, you going to back to school night at Sleepy Hollow tonight?" he asked.

The events committee of the school had set up a night at a local sports park to welcome new and returning students before classes started the next day. Free pizza, beer for the of-age, batting cages, rock climbing, volleyball, go-karts…I knew not a single soul but was still looking forward to it.

"I think so, yeah. Hoping my roommate Alice will come; she's the only one I know."

"Cool – maybe I'll see you there…?" he left off, obviously fishing for my name.

"Isabella…Bella."

"Well Isabella…Bella. See you around." He smiled as he walked away. I stood there, just then noticing how fast and hard my heart was beating.

I did, in fact, see Edward that night. And we'd been inseparable since, despite my credo that I was not going to date until I was done with my degree. Our relationship was a whirlwind of love, passion, romance. We were married just over a year after that fateful day; everything I had ever dreamed of was coming true, albeit a few years earlier than I had planned.

Every up and down we faced – difficult classes, graduations, wild nights at the bar and the resulting day after, new jobs, buying a house, job layoffs – we faced it all together, coming out stronger and more passionate about each other than we had before.

But nothing could have prepared us for the news we had received.

Consciousness slowly came back to me as I heard the music of our first dance as a married couple fade away, replaced by the sniffles and sobs of my heartbroken husband. I could feel the bed vibrating with his pain and sorrow. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and kiss away all his troubles. Unfortunately, I was his troubles.

I willed my eyes to open and lifted my left hand to the bronze hair I adored so much. His red, swollen eyes lifted immediately, the mask of confidence quickly put back in place.

"Hey, sweet girl," he said, the false smile evident in his voice.

I had just worked up the energy and oxygen to speak when Dr. Ganske came in.

"Bella, good, you're awake."

I turned my head towards Dr. Ganske, using my energy instead to respond to her.

"What's up, Doc lady? I don't usually…"

_Deep breath._

"…get the honor of your presence…"

_Wheeze. _

"…in the afternoons." I gave her the best smile my muscles would allow, which I'm sure appeared as more of a grimace.

"We just got word that you've been accepted into the cancer treatment trial."

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><p><strong>AN** - This isn't my first go at writing, however it is the first I'm hoping to pull through until the end - for very personal reasons which will be revealed in time. Please let me know what you think, it will give me the will to keep going.


	2. Revelry

**SM owns the characters**, **I just claim the plot.**

**Huge thank you to Marlena516 and tiffanyanne3 from PTB for taking on the ridiculous beta roles for this chapter. My comma usage is awful and they suffered for the greater good of this story. Thank you ladies.**

**Song Credit - Revelry *Kings of Leon*  
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><p>"<em>We just got word that you've been accepted into the cancer treatment trial." <em>

**BPOV**

**6 Months Earlier…**

"Alice, no. I'm still not feeling great," I begged and pleaded with my best friend.

"Bella, PLEASE. You've been in that house for days, and you owe me a shopping trip," she pleaded.

Alice and I had been best friends from the moment we stepped into the same dorm room. The petite, brown-haired girl was the polar opposite of me, and yet we clicked. She was the yin to my yang, so to speak. We did everything together, so it shouldn't have surprised me when she took a fancy to Edward's brother, Jasper. They hit it off and ran away with their relationship as quickly as Edward and I had. The only difference was they let the world know it and were married within six months. The minute we graduated, Alice was pregnant. It was only fate that she would one day become my sister-in-law and I the aunt to her beautiful baby girl, Aiya.

"Bella. Do you hear that?" she asked, while my angel of a niece screamed bloody murder in the background over what sounded like a decision between Cheerios and fruit snacks.

I just giggled. I loved that girl to pieces but was glad I got to send her back to her parents at the end of the day.

"Seriously. I NEED out of this house. If you love me at all, you will take me away from the madness."

"Alright," I sighed. "Give me thirty minutes and I'll be there."

"Twenty-five," she said before hanging up.

I lay in bed for a few minutes, willing the nausea to go away. I had spent the last week feeling like hell. I'd called in sick to work at the children's library, feeling horribly guilty for missing the story times I had lined up. I loved my job and all the kids to pieces. I rarely missed a day.

I was tired all day, every day, no matter how much rest I got. Edward had been a saint, as usual, coming home from his ten-hour days as a physical therapist. He would make whatever I felt like attempting to eat, not complaining once when I took one bite and refused any more. He was there to hold my hair back while I was praying to the porcelain gods to make it go away.

I finally got the energy to move and made my way to the bathroom. Twenty minutes, a few pit stops at the toilet and some saltines later, I was on my way to pick up Alice.

We lived three blocks apart in a gorgeous neighborhood just outside of Seattle. I loved the tree-lined roads, always filled with the sounds of children playing. In the summers, I would steal Aiya from her parents, and we would walk to the park in between our homes and play for hours on the lush green grass and hundreds of trees that were perfect for hide and seek.

I rolled my windows down in an attempt to keep the hot flashes and nausea at bay. When I pulled into Alice and Jasper's driveway, she was standing there, arms crossed, tapping her right foot. I looked at the clock on the dashboard.

"Oh, good gravy Alice, I'm three minutes late."

We spent the next two hours roaming in and out of stores along the outdoor mall a couple of towns over. Aiya was outgrowing a lot of her clothes so it was time to restock, a task I was happy to help with.

"Al, please. Let's go grab a bite to eat. I've got to sit for a bit."

The minute we hit the food court, I knew I wouldn't be able to eat anything; the smells were revolting and overwhelming. I settled on a smoothie.

"Seriously, Bella, you look awful."

"Tact, Alice."

"I'm sorry, but you do. Have you been to the doctor?"

"No, I'm sure it'll pass. They always do. I'm just so tired of being tired all the time. And it'd be nice to walk around and not want to blow chunks on every person with food in their hand," I rambled, noticing Alice's eyes begin to widen.

"What?" I asked

"Bella…"

"Whhaaaat?" I asked again, drawing out the word sarcastically.

"Do you think you could be pregnant?"

That stopped me short.

_Pregnant? No, I'm on birth control. _

"I'm on birth control."

"So was I, sweet cheeks. You know that's not one hundred percent effective."

But…pregnant? No way. Edward and I had talked about kids, yes, and were going to start trying soon, after Edward got things settled with the clinic he had just opened.

"I don't think so, Alice. I think it's just another one of those damn flu bugs I get every single year."

"I don't know, Bells. The all-day nausea, the tiredness? It all screams pregnant to me."

I just sat staring off into space, absorbing Alice's words. The damn pixie was right; birth control wasn't one hundred percent. I had never experienced pregnancy before, but the symptoms I was having all lined up to the pamphlets. And, if I were being completely honest, the symptoms I had were different from those I'd had with the flu.

"We have to make a stop on the way home…" I said flatly.

Alice just nodded and we got up to leave.

Edward came home late yet again, looking absolutely exhausted. He came into the kitchen where I was waiting, and when our eyes met, he perked up.

"Hey, gorgeous. Are you feeling better?" he asked as he pulled me into his warm, tight embrace.

"Not really," I laughed. "But I may know why."

"Oh? Did you go to the doctor finally?" he asked, pulling back but never taking his hands off my back.

"What is it with you Cullens and going to the doctor?" I asked, laughing.

"Our dad is a doctor, remember?" he smiled.

"Right." I smiled back, wrapping my hands around his neck and giving him a chaste kiss on the lips.

Despite the nausea and the pull from my warm, comfy bed, the possibility of being pregnant had given me a newfound energy.

"Sooo…?"

"Come with me," I said, moving my hands from his neck to his palm and leading him towards the bathroom.

Before he could spout off one of his subtle suggestions for what we could be doing in said bathroom, I turned around and handed him a bag.

"What's this?" he asked, looking confused yet intrigued.

"Just open it."

He pulled out the box containing two pregnancy tests. He stared at it for what felt like minutes before his eyes lifted back to mine.

"Are you…?" The confusion quickly transformed to both terror and excitement.

"I don't know," I said, softly. "My symptoms say yes, but I wanted you here when I took the test."

He looked back down at the box and gulped loudly. I took the box from him and grabbed his face between my palms.

"Say something," I begged, needing to know what was running through his over-analytical brain.

"I…Oh my God, Bella. I don't…how? You're on birth control…"

Not the reaction I was hoping for. I felt my heart sink just a little.

"I don't know. It happens," I said, shrugging my shoulders.

"Oh my God" He sort of laughed and sighed at the same time.

"Edward?" I asked, needing him to look at me so I could read his eyes. I felt myself starting to tear up as his wide eyes and dilated pupils came back to me.

"Oh, God, Bella. Baby, come here," he said, pulling me to him.

"You aren't upset?" I asked, still needing reassurance.

"Baby, shit, no. I'm thrilled, I'm just in shock. The idea of you carrying our child…oh my God." He moved his hand down my arm and around, placing his palm across the lower half of my belly, rubbing gently.

He brought both hands up to cup my cheeks before placing multiple wet, sloppy kisses all across my face before landing on my lips in one, long kiss.

"Go," he said, turning me back around to face the bathroom.

I walked in and turned around to get one more look of assurance from Edward before shutting the door. I opened the box, pulled open the little blue stick, and sat down.

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><p><strong>AN** - I'm not a big fan of cliffhangers, so I promise this will be one of few. I am not above begging, so please go review and let me know your thoughts on this bad boy. I really want to get this entire story out of my head, but am going to need your help along the way.


	3. Disenchanted Lullaby

** SM owns the characters, I just use them to tell a different story.**

**A bit of a lemon slice this chapter.**

**Thank you to tiffanyanne3 and thalia_csiny from PTB. If you're writing a story, USE these guys. They are amazing at what they do. If this story ends up being at all successful, it will be because of them.**

**Song Credit - Disenchanted Lullaby *Foo Fighters*  
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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

**_6 Months Earlier –_**

"Go," I said, turning Bella around and giving her a nudge back towards the bathroom.

I heard the door click shut, and a wave of emotion came over me - fear, anxiety, elation. I ran my hands through my hair and went to sit on the edge of our bed.

_Holy shit_, I thought to myself. _I'm going to be a Dad._

My mind was running a million miles a second with flashes of my wife swollen with this being that we created, Bella holding our baby, sweaty from labor, our baby's first smile, first laugh, first steps. Running around in our back yard, walks to the park, family picnics, piano lessons…

I was completely wrapped up in the world we were about to step into when I heard the toilet flush and the door creak open slowly, bringing me back to the present.

"Hey," I said, my voice cracking slightly.

"Hey," she said back, coming over to sit beside me on the bed and staring straight ahead, completely lost inside her mind.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?" she returned, still staring.

"Bella, look at me."

She turned her head slowly, and I could see the fear in her eyes.

"Bella, this is good news."

"I know," she sighed. "I just…this completely came out of left field. I mean, a baby Edward. Are we ready for this?"

"I don't think anyone is ever ready, Bella. But this baby," I said, putting my palm against her stomach, "this baby is so absurdly loved, and he or she is the size of a peanut."

Bella took a deep breath, and I felt her body relax. A small smile began to creep across her gorgeous pink lips.

"Edward," she whispered.

She didn't need to say more; I knew that voice and what the love of my life needed at that moment. I knew because I needed the same thing.

Our bodies turned inwards towards each other automatically. I moved the hand that was still resting on her lower abdomen over to her arm. My fingers, rough with chapped skin from the constant hand washing my career choice required, moved up her right arm to her shoulder, landing just below her jaw. I could feel her quickened pulse beating wildly against my palm as I brought my other hand up to cup her face. Our eyes met and we stared at each other, conveying the words of love and passion we were both feeling but couldn't put in to words.

I moved in and grazed my lips against hers, taking in her scent. Despite the days of sickness she'd had (the unshaven legs, chapped lips, unwashed hair), the reasoning behind it had me aching to wrap her up in my arms and never let her go. I placed another chaste kiss against her lips before moving down her neck and across to the spot underneath her ear that she loved so much. She moaned quietly and moved her head to bring me back to her lips. I happily obliged, this time parting my lips while she did the same. Her tongue swept across mine, eliciting my own moans.

"Bella, I need you."

"Then take me," she said breathlessly.

I pulled one of my old college t-shirts up Bella's arms and off of her, leaving her in nothing but a pair of white boy-short underwear. This seemed to be her outfit of choice while sick, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't find it enormously sexy. I palmed her right breast while I moved to bring her pebbled left side in between my lips. She moaned when I twisted and nipped at the same time, making my hard-on even harder.

I kissed my way back up to her lips, while my hand moved slowly down her side. She twitched when I hit her ticklish spot, just above her protruding hip bone.

"Ah," she hissed as I made my way lower.

"I love you. So much," I said as I massaged her outer thigh.

"More than words," Bella whispered, raising her hips ever so subtly, showing me where she needed me most.

I moved my hand inward and could feel her heat radiating. My manhood was begging to be released, but I needed this to be about Bella, to show her how much the gift she was giving me meant. I continued placing kisses along her jaw, down her neck, above her now peaked nipple, while bringing my finger near her center and running a slow, long stride along her slit, basking in how wet she always was for me.

"Oh, God…"she moaned.

I made my way down her torso, placing wet kisses all along her lower stomach. I made my way lower until I was right at her clit. I began to tease her most sensitive area with my tongue while my other hand pushed slowly between her folds.

Bella began to whimper as her body broke out in goosebumps.

"You are so beautiful, Bella," I said, before sucking her clit between my lips and continuing to torture her sweet nub. I pulled my single finger out slowly and added another before returning, reveling in the feel of her wetness.

"Edward, I need you. All of you," she panted.

_Say no more, sweet girl. _

I ceased my ministrations to stand up and remove my scrubs. My dick sprang free, ready for action. I put my knee back on the edge of the bed and made a trail of kisses back up Bella's body, taking extra time at the many sweet spots I had discovered over the years. When I finally made it to her lips, I pulled back and looked deep into those chocolate brown eyes I hoped so much our baby would inherit.

"I love you, Bella."

"I love you, too," she said, while bringing her legs up, letting me know to stop talking and start moving.

An hour later, we lay there, panting and completely satiated.

"Wow," she said, "that was amazing."

"You're telling me," I said, still trying to bring my heart rate back down to normal.

"You know, they say it only gets better during pregnancy," she teased.

It hit me then.

"Shit, Bella. The test."

"Oh God, I completely forgot," she said, getting up and moving her way towards the bathroom.

I think we both knew what the test would say, her symptoms lining up one-hundred percent, so it was easy to forget that we didn't actually have physical proof yet.

I got up, grabbed a pair of sweats, and padded over to the bathroom. I pushed the door open, excited to see those two little lines for confirmation of what we already knew, when I caught the look on Bella's face in the mirror. Her brows were furrowed and she began chewing on her bottom lip, a habit I hated.

"Bella?"

She turned towards me, eyes still looking confused.

"Well? Show me!" I said, trying to invoke the happiness we were just wrapped up in.

She handed the test to me, not saying a word. I was confused but took it anyway. I looked down and understood the uncertainty written all over her face.

"There's only one line," I said, clearly stating the obvious.

Bella simply nodded.

"I don't understand," I said.

"It means I'm not pregnant," she said, disappointment and heartache seeping through.

I looked back down to the test, looking desperately for a faint line in the other circle. It was fruitless; there was no second line. I looked back to Bella and could see the tears threatening to spill over.

"Baby," I whispered, pulling her into a hug.

"I was so sure. The throwing up, the exhaustion…" she rambled.

"Maybe the test is wrong," I said, pulling her by the arms so I could look her in the eye.

I could see a hint of excitement break through the tears that had finally seeped over.

"I guess it could be too early to register. I've heard it happens," she said, thinking out loud.

I continued to look at her, watching as she contemplated things.

"Edward." She looked back to me, finally.

"Yeah, babe."

"I think it might be time to go see the doctor," she resolved.

Two days later, we found ourselves sitting in the lobby of my father's practice. I had rescheduled my patients that morning so I was able to be with Bella whether it was good news or bad news.

I was devastated to think that Bella might not be pregnant. Despite all of my fears and anxiety over the idea of becoming a father, I realized after seeing the negative test just how much I wanted it. I didn't voice my disappointment to my wife, though, as she needed me to show her that, whatever the outcome, it would be okay.

"Bella, you can come on back," Angela, my father's nurse, called out.

We followed her back to the exam room, making small talk. Angela had been my father, Carlisle's, nurse for a few years now. She was great at what she did and had become like an extended family member. We explained to her what was going on, and she did well holding back the excitement at the prospect.

"Alright, Bella, let's head down to the lab and we'll do a blood test. That can pick up a different hormone earlier in the pregnancy."

We waited what felt like an eternity before my father walked in.

"Dad," I said, standing to give my Dad a hug.

"Edward, Bella," he said. The business-like inflection in his voice did not go unnoticed.

"What'd the test say?" Bella asked, anxiety radiating from every pore of her body.

My Dad sighed. "It was negative."

My heart sunk. I moved to rub Bella's back and could see the tears welling up in her eyes.

"It still doesn't mean there isn't a baby. It's unusual, but your hormone levels could still be low enough to be undetected. I'd like to do an ultrasound, which will give us a definitive answer."

No more than ten minutes passed before they had Bella laid down on the table, and the ultrasound equipment up and running. I held Bella's hand while she stared up at the foam squares that were supposed to be a ceiling. I could see the fear on her face, most likely mirroring my own. Fear of getting our hopes up; fear of what the low hormone levels would mean if we were pregnant; fear of seeing no gray amongst the black signaling life.

"Alright, Bella. This is going to be a bit uncomfortable," Angela said, as she prepped the ultrasound probe. Because it was likely so early in Bella's pregnancy, an internal ultrasound was required.

My father stood next to Angela, his eyebrows furrowed trying to make sense of the fuzziness coming across the screen. I rubbed Bella's knuckles while watching the faces of both Angela and my Dad, searching for any indication they found something.

Bella continued to lie there, staring at the ceiling for the next twenty minutes while Angela moved the probe around to different areas of her belly. My father took a deep breath.

"That's good, Angela. Thank you," he said, signaling for her to exit.

I looked back to my wife, seeing her lip begin to quiver and the tears beginning to form for what felt like the hundredth time that day. My heart sunk. We both knew what words were going to come out of his mouth next.

The drive home was miserable. Bella had said nothing while my father explained the results of the ultrasound, simply nodding her head when he suggested further blood tests. She walked in a zombie-like state back down to the lab. She sat, staring straight ahead, while the nurse took four more vials of my wife's blood. My heart was breaking in to thousands of little pieces; for the child that did not exist, but more for the pain I could see in my wife's face. When Bella hurt, I hurt, and I was determined to do whatever I could to pull the glaze off of her eyes.

When we arrived home, I held Bella's hand as we walked in our front door. Bella simply stood, looking around for a bit, before heading in the direction of our room. I placed my keys and wallet in the bowl that sat on the table next to the door and followed after her.

"Bella?" I asked, peeking in.

She was curled up in bed, holding her knees up by her chest. I sighed before I made my way over and crawled into bed behind her.

"Bella, please, say something."

"I feel like we've lost a child. Like we've lost something we never had to begin with," she whispered.

"I know, baby, I know. I'm devastated. I realized throughout all of this that I don't want to wait any longer to start a family."

"I can't even go there right now, Edward." The pain was turning to anger in her voice, so I let it go.

We simply lay there the rest of the afternoon, Bella only getting up when the nausea overtook her. As dinner time rolled around, I decided to go make a couple of sandwiches and some soup, hoping Bella would attempt to eat. In my head, I knew it was fruitless, but I had to do something to help my wife. As the soup was heating up in the microwave, I went to check my phone.

Four missed calls.

Two voicemails.

One text message.

All from my Dad.

"Edward, it's Dad. Call me."

"Edward, please call me. It's important."

_We got some of Bella's bloodwork back. Call. Me. Back. _

Hearing my Dad's voice and reading his words, a sudden feeling of unease and fear washed over me.

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><p><strong>AN -** I realize blood tests take longer than a couple of hours. Most often it's days. For the sake of the story, I'm playing with reality. It's going to likely happen a lot simply to keep the story moving.

And I'm realizing that I promised very few cliffhangers and I just did it again. So sorry - this chapter is already at over 2300 words and if I continued, we'd be looking at double that + another couple of days before it got posted, so I split it up. I really do promise to try and avoid it :/

Thank you to the few of you that have already put this story on alert and reviewed. It makes my heart swell to know that someone, if only a couple of people, are reading. Please keep reviewing, it keeps my brain motivated.


	4. Cold Day In The Sun

**A/N - Happy belated 4th :) Holiday + trip to the Omaha zoo with the kiddos = a bigger gap between chapters than I'd like. I hope you're still with me.**

**Big hugs and major thank yous to tiffanyanne3 and HEAR at Project Team Beta. I don't know how many stories they must go through, but they still make this rookie feel like hers is important and worth the time. I owe each of them a round of shots after dealing with my comma obsession.**

**Thank you for reading - my goal is to simply reach someone, anyone with this story.  
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**SM owns it.**

**Song Credit - Cold Day In The Sun *Foo Fighters*  
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><p><strong>Bella's POV<strong>

I flushed the toilet and moved to stand so I could brush my teeth yet again. It was getting really tiresome spending more time hunched over, expelling what little there was in my stomach than I spent out of the confines of the four light blue walls. We had gone with a beach theme in our master bathroom as a reminder of our honeymoon. Edward's parents (with a little help from Edward himself) had sent us to a private island owned by one of his father's colleagues. It was absolutely perfect. We spent our days exploring, hiking, and swimming in the ocean. Nights were spent eating some ridiculously fancy meal on the patio of our hut. Yes, we stayed in a hut. Completely surrounded by water; it was as surreal as it sounds.

I smiled, remembering how much fun we'd had exploring every inch of the island, including each other. My smile faded as my present reality came crashing down around me as I remembered the news we had received that afternoon. We weren't pregnant. I shouldn't have been as devastated as I was; we hadn't been trying, and we were pretty firm in our plan to wait until things got more settled, yet I was heartbroken. In the few hours we had assumed I was pregnant, the shock and terror quickly gave way to pure elation. Picturing a little Edward or a little princess who would have had her daddy's heart from the second she arrived…it left me reeling.

I finished rinsing out the bile and toothpaste, realizing when I looked up in the mirror that tears had fallen. I ran some cool water over my face before making my way back to our bed. Just as I was about to pull the comforter over me, Edward walked in.

"Hey," I whispered.

Edward gave a small sideways smirk. "Hey, Beautiful."

Something was off about his appearance, but I was too exhausted to try and pinpoint what it was. My eyelids were heavy; I struggled to keep them open, so I let them close, knowing Edward would join me soon. Before long, I felt the bed near my legs shift as he sat down.

He took a deep breath. "Babe?"

"Hmm?" I questioned, still not opening my eyes.

"My dad called." Something about the way he said it had my eyes open instantly. His voice was…distressed? Fearful? Pained? I couldn't quite put a finger on it, but I knew whatever it was, it was not good news. Family or not, there was only one reason a doctor called you after-hours, after vial upon vial of your blood has been taken.

I moved to sit up. "What'd he say?"

"They found some abnormalities in your blood work. They'd like you to come back in tomorrow for a more thorough work-up."

Edward sat, rubbing his hands together, avoiding eye contact with me. I sat there looking at him, trying to make sense of what Carlisle meant.

"What else did he say?" I asked. Surely there was more information in there somewhere.

_What kind of abnormalities? What do these abnormalities usually mean? It's treatable, right?_

"Nothing, really. He just asked that you come back in tomorrow so they could do some more blood work."

"Well, did it sound serious? Did he say it was an emergency, or are they just ruling things out? I mean, he had to give something away!" I was beginning to get irritated with the lack of information. I thought, being family, we'd be spared the vague doctor-speak.

"Hey, relax. He didn't say anything else, or I would tell you. I'm not going to lie, baby. He sounded concerned. He also acted concerned when Alice had cramps in high school."

He had a point. My father-in-law was notorious for being overly thorough. That was why patients loved him, though. They knew they were getting the best care possible; nothing was going to slip through Carlisle Cullen's hands if he could help it.

Edward continued to soothe me, allowing my anxiety to diminish and slumber to take over.

I awoke the next morning to the sounds and smells of frying bacon. It was my one weakness, the ultimate breakfast item. For the first time in weeks, I felt hungry. I got up slowly, knowing that if I moved too quickly I'd be headed straight for the bathroom.

I walked down the hall and down the stairs. When I neared the kitchen, I saw Edward flipping pancakes onto a plate. I stood, admiring the defined muscles of his upper back. The way the tendons in his arms flexed as he moved the pancakes from the griddle to the plate made the nausea and throbbing in my head momentarily disappear.

"Smells good in here," I said. He turned over his left shoulder and gave me the half smirk, only this time it was the one that made me fall in love with him - the "I'm trying to impress you and I really hope I don't screw it up" smirk.

"Good morning. I was hoping this would spark your appetite a bit."

"I think it worked," I said, my stomach growling as I sat down at the corner table.

I dished up a modest single pancake and a couple slices of bacon, not wanting to push my stomach too much after days of nothing. I put on the customary butter and syrup and cut a small piece. I was nervous, as this was a hefty meal to be attempting, but it smelled so good.

It didn't disappoint. It was heavenly; the soft, warm, fluffy piece of pancake melted in my mouth.

"These are amazing," I said between chews.

"Why, thank you. I aim to please," he teased. "I'm just happy to see you eating."

I took another couple of bites of pancake before the bacon caught my eye. I was feeling confident in my body's ability to hold things down, so I braved a generous bite.

"Oh, my god," I moaned. "I love bacon."

"I know," Edward chuckled.

"Seriously, you have perfected not only pancakes, but also my specific crispy bacon needs."

As I continued talking through the mouth-watering breakfast Edward had whipped up, I began to feel it; the telltale butterflies and cramping in my stomach cause my hand to abandon my fork and cover my mouth. I made it to the bathroom outside the kitchen just in time.

"Bella?" Edward asked from just outside the door. "You okay?"

"I'm fine. Just give me a minute," I said before flushing the toilet.

Thankfully, I had taken the time to put a spare toothbrush in the downstairs bathroom since all the nausea had started. I also had one in the kitchen next to the sink and in the guest bathroom at the top of the stairs - oh, and in my car…and a travel-size brush stashed in my purse. I never knew when it was going to hit; it was easier to be prepared and ready to brush no matter where I was.

"Hey, are you okay? I'm so sorry," Edward said, wrapping his arms around me as soon as I opened the door.

"Edward, I'm fine. Don't apologize. The few bites I had were incredible. I should be apologizing for wasting all of your hard work."

He moved his hands to palm both of my cheeks before placing a kiss on my cheek. He looked at me apologetically and made his way back to the kitchen to clean up.

"I'll come help you. Just give me ten minutes to shower," I said.

"Bella, please. Go shower. Take all the time you need," he responded, picking plates up and moving them to the sink.

An hour later, we were in the car headed back to Carlisle's office. The lighthearted and calm atmosphere we had over breakfast had shifted to a tense silence.

I hadn't been all that nervous; sure, worst-case scenarios played through my head, but in reality, this was most likely a simple precaution that my thorough father-in-law needed in order to rule out those worst-case scenarios. That was what I was telling myself, but Edward's demeanor had me on edge. I felt like there was something he wasn't telling me, but then again he was Edward, and more like his father than he would ever admit. Every scrape and headache, he was there doing whatever he could to make it better. Ridiculous, really, but I loved him and knew that he needed to feel in control.

As soon as we arrived at the clinic, Angela brought us back to the lab.

"Where's Carlisle?" I asked as the lab technician prepped my arm.

"He's with other patients. He left lab orders and told me to let you know he'd contact you as soon as he got results."

I looked to Edward, and he looked confused and upset. I turned to look at Angela, who was simply watching the tech and getting labels together.

It didn't take long before another five tubes were filled, and we were sent home.

A few days passed, and Edward returned to work at his clinic. He had a lot of work to catch up on after being home with me for two days. I attempted a half-day at the library when I started feeling slightly better, but only made it an hour before I was in the bathroom more than at the desk. I missed my work terribly, but when the kids began questioning why Miss Bella looked so sick, and shying away from me when I approached, I knew it was time to head home and wait until whatever this was had passed.

I was lying in bed watching another horrendous episode of Dr. Phil (don't judge me, I became addicted in my cableless college days), when my phone rang.

I perked up, hoping Edward had caught a rare break at the clinic and was calling to check in. I was surprised to see Carlisle's name on my screen.

"Hello?"

"Bella, it's Carlisle."

"Hey, what's up?" Carlisle almost always called Edward when he needed to pass along information.

"We got your blood results back." _Oh. Duh. _

I was still confused as to why he was calling me.

"Edward wasn't answering his phone. I assume he's busy at work," he continued.

"Yeah, he's been pretty swamped."

"Not a problem. I'm hoping the two of you can come in this afternoon." He was in full-on doctor mode, versus the concerned father-in-law whom I completely adored.

"Um, I'm not sure when he'll be done for the day. I can call the clinic and find out…"

"That'd be great, Bella. Just come to the office whenever you can."

Carlisle hung up without a goodbye. I stared at my phone, trying to piece together what he had said and how he had said it. I shook my head and began dialing the number for Edward's office.

"Cullen Physical Therapy, this is Rosalie, how can I help you?" Edward's office manager answered. Rose was incredible and kept the office moving so Edward could simply focus on his patients. Dealing with insurance companies and the occasional snarky patient was not my forte, so I was over the moon when we found Rosalie.

"Hey, Rose, it's Bella."

"Hey, Bella, did you need Edward? He's with a patient, but I'm sure I could snag him quick."

"No, that's fine. What does his schedule look like today?"

"Mm, he should be done by about four-thirty."

"Great, could you make sure no one else schedules after that? And have him call me when he gets a free minute."

"No problem, Bella. I'll let him know."

"Thanks, Rose."

I hung up and went to take a shower. My phone rang again as I was combing through my hair. This time, I saw the name that always made my heart skip a beat.

"Hey," I sighed.

"Hey babe, Rose said you called. What's up?"

"Your dad called. He wants us to meet him at his office."

"Did they get the test results back?" he asked. I could hear a door shut, presumably the one to his office.

"Yeah, he just said he wanted us both to come in whenever you were done for the day."

"I'll be home as soon as I can," he said, shuffling papers.

"Edward?"

"Yeah, babe." He was withdrawn, focused on whatever he was doing in his office.

"It's going to be okay, right? Everything will be fine."

"Yeah, babe. I'll be home soon," he said before telling me he loved me and hanging up.

Within a couple of hours, Edward was walking in the door.

"Edward, what are you doing home? I told Rose to just make sure you were done at four-thirty."

"I know. I had her cancel my last couple appointments."

"Edward, that wasn't necessary. You're already struggling to get caught up," I whined. While I was happy that we were going to be able to get to his father's office sooner, it also meant the next week would be spent catching up, which meant early mornings and late nights. I hated it.

"Bella, you are more important to me than any of my patients. Let's go see what they found out so we can get you feeling better, okay?" He brought his hands up to my cheeks and stroked under my eyes with his thumbs. I could see the anxiety in his eyes, which likely mirrored my own.

We had arrived at his office shortly after Edward arrived home. The drive was quiet, each of us lost in our own thoughts. The sun was out for the first time in days. Streams of light, along with the slight breeze coming through the cracked window, helped calm my nerves.

We sat in the waiting room for a few minutes before Angela ushered us back to Carlisle's office. She gave a small, sad smile, which immediately had my adrenaline pumping. She knew something, and it wasn't good.

Still, I maintained that whatever it was, it was treatable, and with Edward and our families around us it would all be fine. Edward sat next to me in the horribly uncomfortable office chairs, rubbing the knuckles of my right hand with his thumb. He was staring at the carpet, and his knee was bouncing at a pace I had never seen before.

"Hey," I whispered, nudging him. He looked up. "It'll be fine."

"I know," he said, giving the sad half-smirk - the antithesis of the smirk I so loved.

Carlisle walked in as Edward and I looked at each other, trying to calm each other and failing.

"Dad," Edward said, standing to shake his father's hand.

"Edward. Bella." He nodded in my direction.

He moved behind his desk and sat in his chair, resting his chin on top of his folded hands.

"Bella, the original blood tests we did came back with some abnormalities."

"Yeah, you mentioned that. What kind of abnormalities?" I asked.

"There was a fairly low amount of red blood cells and platelets. Below the level we like to see, anyway."

I nodded in understanding, urging him to continue.

"I wanted a wider test of those, plus a white blood cell count, in addition to a few other levels."

I felt Edward's hand tighten minutely around my own, and I heard a small but sharp intake of breath. I looked at him and did not miss the silent conversation going on between him and Carlisle.

"Carlisle," I said, sharper than I intended, but I needed to bring his attention back to the medically illiterate in the room.

"The latest set of blood tests came back with similar results. Your red blood cell count was significantly less than it should have been, as was the platelet count. The white blood cell count, in contrast, was significantly higher than normal."

I had a brief flashback to a health textbook from high school, talking about what those levels indicated. I began to feel the blood drain from my face.

"Bella…" Carlisle trailed off.

Edward and I simultaneously tightened grips on each other's hands. Carlisle took a deep breath while running his hands down his face in frustration.

"Bella, the counts we received are all indicators of acute leukemia."

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><p><strong>AN - Mmkay, so remember when I said I'd avoid the cliffhangers? I'm taking that back. These are becoming the natural stopping points in the story and good places to break between POV's. I hate them as much as the next person, but it would just be awkward ending it any other way.  
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**Speaking of which, take a second and review. Thoughts on the plot? Characters? Concerns? Things you want to see happen? Let me know! I don't have an outline for this story - just a general idea of where things are going - so your ideas and details could very likely end up in the coming chapters.  
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**I'm on twitter - Sweet_Tranquil. Speak up, say hello. It makes my heart swell.  
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	5. Don't Panic

**A/N - Thank you to PTB beta's dreamergirl87 and tiffanyanne3 for their amazing encouragement on this chapter. It was a hard one to write and their feedback had my heart swelling.**

**Thank you to those of you who have put this story on alert. I hope you're enjoying. **

**I don't own the characters, just the story.**

**Song Credit - Don't Panic *Coldplay*  
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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where you are suddenly on the outside looking in? The feeling that, despite being completely present, you are suddenly watching a movie? You are seeing and hearing, but not feeling. Your body is completely numb.

I heard nothing after my father mentioned a white blood cell count. It was as if someone had hit the _solve_ button on the puzzle I was trying to put together. I had run through every possible scenario in my head, and of course this had crossed my mind. However, the thought had left as quickly as it came. My Bella was in perfect health. She was young, vibrant, and full of life. She ate well, didn't smoke, rarely drank…_that_ didn't happen to people like her.

I had reasoned that something was wrong, but it would be a simple fix – a prescription, maybe two, or worst case scenario, an operation. But suddenly, with those three simple words that would haunt me for months, the puzzle pieces lined up and I knew.

My body tuned out everything my father was saying until I heard the word. Leukemia.

Cancer.

My wife, my everything, _my Bella_…had cancer. Not just any cancer either. She had a highly fatal form of cancer.

I sat in the high, wingback leather chair, suddenly very uncomfortable and parched. I watched my father's lips move as he continued speaking to Bella. I occasionally picked up words: more tests, hematologist, chemotherapy, drug therapy, cell transplant.

I heard him talking but all I heard was _cancer. _

I'm not sure how long we sat there before I felt Bella squeeze my hand. I turned to look at her, realizing I had left her to deal with all of this on her own while I just sat there, unmoving, focusing only on a single word.

Cancer.

"Edward?" I turned to look back at my father, his face full of sorrow. I wanted to be angry, _so_ angry with him, but seeing his face I immediately knew he was hurt equally as devastated. Bella was his daughter-in-law. He loved her as if she were his own flesh and blood. As a doctor, he knew what this diagnosis meant, and he was the one that had to break the news to us. I realized that this diagnosis was going to shatter more lives than just our own, which only added to the agony I was feeling.

He looked at me questioningly. I had no idea what it was he wanted to hear from me. I could form no words besides _cancer._

"Are we done?" I asked. My voice was hoarse, as if I'd been cheering on our alma mater on a cold October day.

"Unless you have any questions," he said, looking from my eyes to Bella's and back to mine. When neither of us said anything, he continued.

"As I said, Bella, I'm giving you the name and number of my colleague, Dr. Biers. He's a hematologist in Seattle, top of his field. I've already spoken with him about my findings, and he's expecting a call from you tomorrow to set up a time to meet with him."

Dad continued on about what to expect at our appointment with Dr. Biers, whom I had met on occasion at functions and fundraisers my sister and I had attended with our parents.

"Okay." Bella took a deep breath, sounding resigned. She dropped my hand before standing. I attempted to do the same, but my legs refused to move.

She looked down at me with a sympathetic smile.

_Dammit. _

In typical Isabella Cullen fashion, she was comforting me rather than focusing on herself. That had to change, starting now. She needed to focus on herself, not me.

_I'm not the one with…_

I stopped there, no longer able to even think the word. I pulled every last ounce of my strength from the corners of my body and stood.

I immediately slipped my fingers in between Bella's, needing to feel close to her. I didn't want to ever let go. If her hand remained interlocked with mine, she would never leave me.

I followed Bella out the office door, my father trailing behind. We must have been in that office for at least an hour. The clinic was now deserted, save for Angela who was finishing up some paperwork. She didn't acknowledge us, likely knowing exactly what had just been revealed to us.

Bella turned to give my father a hug.

"Thank you," she whispered. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek and a small smile before turning to exit.

I held my hand out to shake hands with my father. He put his right hand in my left and pulled me towards him. I was suddenly wrapped up in his arms, something I had not felt since my high school graduation.

"Be strong, Edward," he whispered in my ear. "She's tough, but she's going to need you more than she realizes."

He began to pull back, holding me by the shoulders.

"We will beat this," he said. There was a finality in his voice I had never heard before.

I said nothing, made no indication to my father that I agreed with him. I simply turned around and followed Bella out the double doors.

For what felt like the hundredth time in a matter of days, we rode home in quiet. Our drives together had always been full of conversation. We could catch up on everything going on with the clinic, the ridiculous things her library kids had said to her, and debated about things we'd heard on the news that day. We talked about upcoming holidays, birthdays, and family events. When a favorite classic song came on - bands like Journey, Beastie Boys, Kiss, Queen - we would sing at the top of our lungs. It sounded god-awful but we loved making fun of ourselves. She probably didn't know it, but riding in the car with her, seeing the breeze blow strands of hair around her face while she laughed, were my favorite moments with her.

Now…silence. I had no idea what to say. I would steal glances at Bella in the passenger seat, her eyes unfocused as she stared out the window. At one point, I swore I saw a tear slip down her cheek, but by the time I dared to look back over, it was gone.

I pulled into the garage when we arrived home. The hum of the engine had been enough to fill the void of conversation, but as soon as I removed the keys, the silence became deafening.

We sat, the sounds of our concentrated breaths the only noise amongst the dark.

"Edward," Bella whispered. I looked over but her gaze was in her lap, her fingers picking at the hangnails on the opposite hand.

I pulled her hand into mine, putting a stop to the anxious reflex.

"Are you okay?" She looked up at me hesitantly.

_Fuck. _

I had assumed her silence had stemmed from the battle she now faced. You know what they say about people who assume.

She was still worried about me. Of course she was.

"Babe, I'm fine. Come on, let's go inside." I leaned over the center console to place a kiss on her lips.

"Are you hungry? Thirsty? Tell me what you want and I'll make it for you." I had been trying for the last two hours to persuade her into some dinner.

"Edward, I told you. I'm not hungry. I really just want to go to bed," she said with a sigh.

We had been lying on the couch, watching random TV shows. I held her feet in my lap, massaging her arches and running my fingers along her lower leg. She would close her eyes and hum in appreciation. It felt good, being this close to her. It felt normal. For that short amount of time, I was able to focus on Bella. I was able to forget the news we had been given and think about the plans we had for the coming days.

"K. I'll be up in just a minute." I set her feet on the floor and helped her stand.

"Could you bring me some water?"

"Absolutely," I said, giving Bella the most sincere smile I could muster.

She gave me a kiss on the cheek before turning to head upstairs. I watched her ascend the steps slowly, the adrenaline of the day clearly gone. I went to the kitchen and began to fill a cup with ice. As I turned the faucet on, I was still thinking of plans. We had offered to host a family dinner at our place the upcoming weekend. The gas tank on the grill needed replaced and I had my eye on couple of new toys so my little buddy Aiya wouldn't get bored. As I thought about Aiya and how much fun we had together, I began thinking about the kind of person my child would be. As I pictured a little brown haired, brown eyed beauty, I was brought back to the elation I felt when we had suspected Bella was pregnant.

Everything around me began to slip away as I remembered Bella not being pregnant. Office visits, blood tests, waiting rooms flashed. I suddenly heard my father's voice echoing throughout the kitchen.

_"…the counts we received are all indicators of acute leukemia…"_

The weight of the words my father had spoken pushed down on me with a force I had never felt.

My knees buckled. The glass I was holding rolled to the sink as I moved to support my weight and sunk down the cabinet doors. I could feel my pulse pounding the edges of my skin. I could hear the pulsing waves. Everything went blurry. All I could see was a black hole of unknowns. My hands covered my face, and I let the emotions take over.

Tears spilled over relentlessly. Labored breaths and hiccoughs echoed through the kitchen as I tried to wrap my brain around what was happening. I bit down on the side of my hand, hoping to quiet the sobs I could no longer hold back.

Logically, I knew people overcame cancer, even leukemia. Those were the miracles. What if Bella wasn't a miracle? Physical therapists didn't go to med school, but we took enough sciences to know the generalities of cancer.

My mind refused to cross the threshold to a world without her. She was only twenty-eight. There was so much life we had yet to live. Our family…we didn't have our family. I had always considered myself independent, as was Bella. It was never an issue for one of us to have a night out with friends, or even a weekend trip. I was not the type to say I lived and breathed for another. But at that very moment, I knew I had been wrong. From the moment I had met her, everything in my hopes and dreams and images of the future had Bella in it, by my side. The thought of her fading from those images - I couldn't go there. The sobs continued, turning into dry heaves as I struggled to regain some amount of composure.

My mind was racing, but it always came back to the same conclusion: No. Not us. Not Bella. She would beat this. We HAD to beat this. I would make sure she had the best of the best in doctors and treatments. No therapy would go untried. We would travel to the ends of the world and back to find the key to curing my Bella.

Resolved, my heart slowed and I was able to take a few deep breaths. When the tears finally stopped, I stood and ran cool water over my face. I picked up the forgotten glass and refilled it to take up to my wife.

I climbed the stairs, and padded down the carpeted hallway. I pushed open the partially-closed door to our bedroom to see Bella lying in the middle of the bed, knees to her chest, hugging her favorite pillow. I moved to set the glass of water on the bedside table and heard the faint snore that signaled she was asleep. I sat next to her, watching her breathe in, breathe out. It was dark in the room, but her eyes still appeared puffy, as though she too had been releasing pent-up emotion. With my thumb, I wiped underneath her eye and along her jawline. I pushed her hair away from her eyes, and placed a light kiss at her temple and whispered in her ear.

"I love you, Bella. So much."

"Edward, no."

"Bella, I want to be there."

"And you will be! I haven't even called! We may not get in today, so there is no reason for you to stay home. You cannot keep closing the clinic. You'll lose patients left and right. They need you."

Bella and I had been arguing about this over the last hour. I insisted on being home while she called Dr. Biers. If we could get in today, I needed to be there. She insisted that I needed to work. What she didn't know was that the thought of not being by her side every minute of every day from here on out tore my heart into pieces. We had gone back and forth on the issue moving from the bed, to the kitchen, to the bathroom. The talk continued as we took turns showering and getting ready for the day.

"Baby, let me be here. Let me help you," I pleaded.

"Edward," she said fiercely. "Please don't do this. Do not begin treating me like a fucking china doll."

"Bella, I…"

"No. I know what your father said. I know what leukemia means, okay? What if he's wrong? We don't have solid answers yet, and won't until we see Dr. Biers. IF, and that's a big fucking if, I do have…leukemia…" She struggled to say it in reference to herself. "…I will not become a pity case. I will not be treated differently. You will continue to work, as will I. As much as I can, anyway."

"Bella," I strained. I couldn't look at her. I wasn't ready to talk about this yet, and there she was, laying it all out on the table.

"Promise me, Edward. Regardless of what Dr. Biers finds, promise me."

I looked at her, emotions pushing at the surface. I looked from eye to eye, seeing nothing but determination and decisiveness.

I wasn't sure what I was promising exactly, but I gave her a defeated nod.

She came towards me and placed her hands on my chest. Looking up at me with her long, dark eyelashes, she grasped my shirt and sighed.

"Thank you." She reached up on her tiptoes and placed her lips against mine. I placed my hands on the small of her back, returning the kiss. I pulled back and moved her still-wet hair behind her ears and yanked on the lower strands as I always did when she had gotten her way. As I began letting go, the picture of Bella without her deep brown, wavy hair flashed behind my eyes. I panicked slightly but didn't want Bella to see my fear, so I pulled back, rubbing my thumb and forefinger across my eyes, trying to erase the image. I couldn't go there, not yet.

"Well, if I'm going to work today, boss lady," I teased. "I should get going."

She giggled and I couldn't help the smile that formed.

"I'll call you later," she said, kissing me once more before pushing me out the bedroom door.

"Hey," I said, turning around. "I love you."

"I know." She smiled, but it quickly faltered as her pupils dilated slightly, a sign I had learned was the start of another wave of nausea. She turned, walking quickly to the bathroom.

"Bella, are yo.."

"_Go_, Edward. I'll be fine. Just go."

So I did, but not without a heavy heart, feeling as though I should be by her side. Not just now, but through every moment that was sure to come in the weeks and months ahead.

"Alright, Mike. We're going to try for sixty seconds on the balance ball this time."

"You sure?" He was nervous. He had struggled with a simple thirty.

"We've got to push the muscles a bit, or things are going to get comfortable in their current state and we'll be seeing a lot more of you. As much as I love seeing your ugly face, I know it's a good thing when we don't," I teased. Mr. Newton was a patient who had followed me after I had left the group of P.T.'s in downtown Seattle. He had injured his knee playing soccer with some friends and was improving at an incredibly slow pace, so I saw him weekly. It may have had something to do with him ignoring my warnings about playing sports until he was fully healed.

"Alright, man. Whatever you say. You're the doc."

"That I am. I wish you'd remember that when your buddies get a game of flag football together. Hop up." I helped stabilize Mike on the balance ball, making sure he was steady before beginning the timer. As I turned to make a couple of notes on his chart, I saw Rosalie hang up the phone and make her way towards us. Rosalie Hale was the best damn office manager anyone could ask for. She had office experience but had never worked in the medical field. She was a quick learner, however, and the greatest multi-tasker I had ever seen. If this office succeeded, it was because of her. She was professional but fun to be around. She had a wit about her that matched mine, which kept the working environment anything but boring. And the patients adored her. She instantly became an extended family member to every new patient that walked in the door.

"Looking good, Mr. Newton," Rose said as she approached.

"Shh. I'm concentrating," he replied. She chuckled.

"What's up, Rose?" I asked.

"Bella called."

"And?"

"She said her appointment is at nine tomorrow morning. You only have one session scheduled, so it should be easy to move. I assume you'll want to go with her. Can't let the girl do anything without your know-it-all self there, after all."

The snarky wit I generally loved about her had crossed an invisible line that had apparently been drawn in the recent days. I knew Rosalie had no idea what was going on, but her words had me seeing red.

"Move the appointment," I said sharply.

Rosalie's eyebrows knit together, clearly confused at my reaction. I acknowledged nothing, returning my attention to Mike.

"Good, all done for today. Head on over to the massage table. I'll be there in just a second."

The following morning, Bella and I found ourselves in a déjà vu moment, sitting in Dr. Biers' waiting room. Bella sat, flipping through some entertainment magazine, while I watched what was supposed to be witty banter of the morning news crew on the corner television.

"Isabella Cullen, you can come on back." The nurse held the door for us before gesturing back towards the exam room.

"Bella," she said, shaking the nurse's hand.

"I'm Jessica, Dr. Biers' nurse." She went on to take Bella's height, weight, and vitals. She was silent through it all. Bella would look over to me occasionally, so I would give her a reassuring smile.

"Okay, the doctor will be in with you shortly. Go ahead and put this gown on," she said, grabbing a long, pale blue gown out of a drawer.

"What's this for?" Bella asked, nervously.

"Based on the information Dr. Cullen sent over, Dr. Biers' may decide to do some additional testing. We'll just have you ready and prepared in case," she said, smiling.

Jessica left the room, and Bella got changed. She sat upon the exam table with her ankles crossed, hands in her lap, fingers wreaking havoc on her already tortured nails. Her hair was down, covering the majority of her face, but I could see the fear there.

"Hey," I said, garnering her attention. "It'll be okay. I'll be right here through everything."

"I know. Your dad mentioned other tests; I just assumed it'd be more blood tests. The gown makes me nervous."

I was about to attempt more reassurance when we heard the obligatory double knock, turning our heads towards the door.

"Isabella, good morning. I'm Riley Biers. Edward," he said, turning to shake my hand. He looked much the same but older. Thinning blonde hair, skin that clearly spent a lot of time in the sun, bright white teeth, the product of multiple bleaching sessions, no doubt.

"Good to see you again. Sounds like you're doing well."

He turned his attention back to Bella.

"Carlisle sent over the test results he ordered. I've looked them over, but why don't we start from the beginning, Isabella? Tell me what symptoms you've been experiencing and for how long."

"Bella, please," she said before delving in to the last few weeks, including our original thoughts of pregnancy.

Riley listened intently, jotting down notes here and there and looking back at test results that had already been done. As Bella finished, he jotted down a couple more things before shutting the file and looking back up at her.

"Well, my dear. I can't make an official diagnosis right now, but from what you've told me and the results of all the blood work, I think Carlisle is right. The counts he sent me immediately warrant suspicion of some form of leukemia. Based on your symptoms and the timing, my best educated guess is we are dealing with AML."

"AML?" I asked.

"Acute myelogenous leukemia. Acute, as I'm sure you're aware Edward, means this form comes on suddenly and rapidly. This specific type affects the myeloid cells, thus the rest of the title. I don't want to get into the details just yet since we can't confirm it, but those are the basics."

"How do we confirm it?" Bella's anxiety over the unknown testing was breaking through the strong façade.

"We already have enough information from the blood tests Carlisle ran, so I don't feel like we need to do anymore with that. The next step is to look at the bone marrow. This will show us exactly what kind of cells we're dealing with, giving us a firm diagnosis if it is what we expect."

"What does that involve?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"We'll extract a small sample of bone marrow by inserting a needle into the backside of your hipbone. You'll be numbed, so you won't feel anything more than pressure. The sample we take will then be sent off to a lab for testing."

I heard Bella swallow. I looked over to see wide, fearful eyes. Dr. Biers saw it too.

"It won't be pleasant, Bella, but it is the only way we can know for sure. I'd like to do it sooner rather than later. We have the time to do it today, if you are able and willing."

Bella looked to me, eyes welling up. My heart broke, but I put up a strong front. I couldn't let her see my fear and anxiety on top of her own. She knew I knew what was involved in this procedure, and was looking for a clue as to how invasive it was really going to be. Bella had been around my father long enough to know that doctors, no matter what their specialty, made a habit of downplaying painful and difficult situations.

I tried reassuring her with my eyes, letting her know that I would be there by her side. She closed her eyes and nodded, realizing this was not going to be a simple procedure.

Fifteen minutes later, Bella was lying on her side with me positioned at her head. I insisted on being in the room, without much resistance from Riley or Jessica despite rules against it. Being the son of a well-known physician had its perks. As the two of them prepped all the equipment they would need, I leaned in towards Bella.

"I love you," I whispered, kissing her forehead.

"I love you, too."

"I'm right here, okay? Just hold my hand, and it'll be over before you know it."

She simply nodded, looking everywhere but at me as tears welled up in her eyes. As they placed a curtain around the area they would be taking the sample, I moved to kiss her forehead again. I wrapped her hand in mine and rubbed her knuckles, trying, unsuccessfully, to calm her.

"Alright, Bella. We're going to numb the area first. It'll feel like a lot of little bee stings." Riley placed his face mask over his nose and picked up the smaller of the two large needles.

He made around ten injections, Bella wincing each time but not appearing in significant pain. I continued rubbing her hands, arms, and face as I watched the two of them work. Jessica took the smaller needle and replaced it with a much, _much_ larger one. I was so thankful at that moment that Bella was facing me.

"You're doing great, babe."

"Edward, just stop talking."

I couldn't help but chuckle. She was never incapable of putting me in my place.

"Okay, now for the worst part. You're going to feel a lot of pressure. It'll be uncomfortable, but it shouldn't hurt. If you feel any pain, let us know immediately and we'll stop."

Bella only nodded. I leaned down, resting my head next to hers so I could talk her through it. I knew the instant the needle was inserted. Bella whimpered, but quickly recovered by clenching her lips and squeezing her eyes as tight as she could. I continued rubbing her knuckles, moving occasionally to run my hand along her face, wiping away the tears that were now slipping down.

My heart was absolutely shattered watching my wife go through this. I wanted nothing more than to trade places with her. My own tears were unstoppable as I watched her.

"All done," Riley said. Bella instantly began to relax as the needle was removed.

After they had her back cleaned up and securely taped, I helped Bella up off the table and slowly back into her clothes. I watched as Riley packaged up the marrow and had Jessica take it to the lab.

As I pushed Bella in a wheelchair out of the office, Riley explained what would happen next.

"It should only be a couple of days before we hear back. I've called in a couple of favors and asked that they make this a priority. I'll give you a call as soon as I get results to fill you in. Once we know for sure, we can set up a plan of attack."

Bella didn't speak, still sore and dazed from the procedure.

"Thank you, Riley, for everything."

"It was my pleasure, Edward. I'm glad your father called me first. We'll talk soon." He shook my hand before turning to go back inside. I got Bella loaded into the car with the help of Jessica and we made our way home.

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><p><strong>AN - Thank you again to those of you reading. I would love to hear from you, whether it be positive or negative! I hope you'll continue this journey with B&E. It's a long road, but I promise right here and now that this is not a tragedy. There will be a HEA.**


	6. The Deepest Blues Are Black

**A/N - Thank you, tiffanyanne3 & Mod Sweetishbubble, for all your input. Your comments make me smile. Thank you to those of you have alerted the story and/or taken the time to review. Those emails make my day every single time. **

***Lemon peel this chapter*  
><strong>

**SM owns it. **

**Song Credit - The Deepest Blues Are Black *Foo Fighters*** (I may or may not have a thing for Dave Grohl...and Taylor...)

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

"Gran?"

"Isabella." She smiled.

I stared at my grandmother, confused. She was immersed in her garden, pulling weeds and attending to the flowers that need a little extra TLC.

Gran had died years ago. I was just a little kid, not fully understanding what it meant at the time. As years passed, and I found myself in situations that required her wisdom, the pain and loneliness of death began to evolve.

"What are you doing here? Where are we?" Gran was in her garden, the one I had spent so many childhood summers helping her with, but something was off. The old two-story house, in desperate need of a fresh coat of white paint, was not there. The tire swing that hung from the branch of a large oak tree just outside the front door was not there. Sassy, the salt and pepper colored cat that had made a home for herself underneath the porch, was nowhere to be seen. Instead we were surrounded by endless fields of grass and wildflowers. The sun shone brightly, puffy white clouds littering the crystal blue sky.

"Come. Help me clear these weeds." Gran was a pro at ignoring questions she didn't want to answer and distract you with something else to keep your mind busy.

I kneeled down beside her, the years of weed-picking second nature. We worked silently for almost an hour before the will to confide in my grandmother became too strong.

"Gran?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm sick, Gran."

"I know, dear." She didn't flinch, simply continued moving fresh dirt around the weaker flowers.

"You…you know?"

"Of course."

"But…how?"

"I moved on, Isabella. That doesn't mean I _left_."

I had always believed in Heaven, in guardian angels. I had to. The idea of someone just being…_gone_…I could never accept. Still, hearing Gran say it, to tell me that she was watching and waiting with words of wisdom, was hard to come to terms with.

"I'm really sick, Gran," I said, lowering my head. "We haven't told anyone, not even Mom and Dad. Only Edward knows." My words dropped to a whisper as I said his name.

"Carlisle knows," Gran stated simply, still not tearing her gaze from her garden.

My head popped up at this. Gran had passed before I met Edward. _How did she know Carlisle?_

"I'm here, Bella." She glanced up at me with the same knowing look.

"Right. Well, we haven't gotten an official diagnosis yet."

"He knows, Bella. As do you and Edward."

I looked at her in disbelief.

"You'll get your answer soon enough," she said, returning to her work. I began picking at my nails. "How's Edward?"

_Edward. _His face as Dr. Biers relayed his findings to us flashed in my mind. His eyes were a cross between being completely vacant and incredulous, and a fierce, almost painful determination. I had caught glimpses of him during the procedure. His face, more telling than he probably realized, was a complete betrayal to the words he spoke.

"I don't really know, Gran. We haven't really talked about anything yet."

"Don't you think that's an important thing to do given the circumstances?"

"Yes." My voice was wavering now, barely audible to my own ears, yet Gran heard me perfectly. She gave me the firm, resolute stare she was famous for. I was in no way prepared to talk to Edward about everything. I had no idea how I felt about any of it.

"I don't know what to say to him. It's too much…"

Gran said nothing, continuing to look me in the eye.

"I can't think about it. I can't think about Edward seeing me through everything. I can't think about leaving Edward…about him someday meeting someone else…" Tears began falling as everything I had avoided thinking about up to that point came forward.

"I'm scared, Gran. I'm so, so scared," I whispered.

Gran finally began to move, shuffling over to sit beside me. She put her hand over the side of my head and pulled it down to her chest, just as she had done all those times I had cried as a child. I let her cold, wrinkled hands soothe me as I continued to sob.

I don't know how long we sat there, Gran's comforting strokes eventually slowing down. The air around us began to warm up, and the soft breeze that had surrounded us took on a steady rhythm. The calming fragrance of the flowers began to turn sour, causing my stomach to wrench.

My eyes were heavy with tears, and I didn't want to leave Gran, but I needed to move away from the heat and the putrid smell.

I forced my eyes open and reality hit. Four white walls. Half-open closet. Purple comforter.

I was not with Gran. I was home and in my bed.

The comforter had been placed around me and was the cause of the now-unbearable heat. The breeze was nothing more than the fan above me, and the smell was permeating from under our bedroom door.

A wave of nausea hit, and I ran to the bathroom. Whether this round was a result of the dream I had just awoken from or the…_cancer, _I didn't know.

I spent five minutes heaving into the toilet before the dizziness subsided enough to attempt standing. I made my way over to the sink, performing my now-perfected post-vomiting routine.

I didn't have the energy to shower yet, so I simply changed into clean clothes, opting for a tank top and shorts touting our alma mater's logo. Despite the chilly April air that was customary in Washington, anything more had me sweating like a whore in church.

I headed down the hallway towards the stairs, holding my breath, willing the nausea to not return just yet. Edward had made cinnamon rolls. He knew I loved them almost as much as I loved bacon. I felt horrible knowing I wasn't going to be able to eat them, that the mere smell of them now had me running to the bathroom.

As I reached the bottom step and made my way into the kitchen, intent on wrapping up the latest source of my heaving, I caught a glimpse of Edward out on the patio. He sat in one of the wrought-iron chairs, one leg perched atop the other, leaning on his left elbow. His right hand held a painfully tight grip on the spikes of his auburn hair.

One of the things that had attracted us to this house was the patio. The large square of staggered brick opened up to a perfectly manicured back yard. It was east-facing, giving us the most exquisite view of every sunrise. The first couple of months we lived in the house, we would wake up early, make breakfast, and sit outside to watch the sun come up over the horizon. Whenever we had an argument, it was always a battle to see who would walk out to the patio first. It was the definitive place to sit and let everything go, to focus your mind. For whatever reason, that patio always held the answers and resolutions we needed.

I knew in that moment, seeing Edward alone on the patio, that my dream of Gran hadn't been a coincidence. Even from beyond, my grandmother was there guiding me.

"Hey," I said, quietly, while pushing closed the patio door.

Edward's eyes widened minutely before he practically jumped out of the chair.

"Hey, I didn't know you were up. I made breakfast. I can bring you some. Here, sit." He was rambling.

"Edward, it's okay. I can't really eat right now." I covered my stomach with my hand, hoping he would understand.

"Oh," he said, looking defeated.

"Thank you, though." I leaned down to catch his eyes with mine and bring them up again. "How long have you been out here?" I began to move towards the matching loveseat that Alice had insisted was needed.

"_For when we get together! I need a place to cuddle," _she had said matter-of-factly_._

"Awhile," he said vaguely, returning to his seat.

We sat together, listening to the morning sounds around us. I loved it out there. I really wanted a cup of coffee, as I usually had with me, but the thought brought little pangs to my stomach. Pangs that would remind me of my…_condition_…and why I had come outside in the first place.

I shivered as I took a deep breath, preparing to talk. It didn't go unnoticed.

"Let me go grab you the quilt. You've got to be cold out here in nothing but shorts and that fabric you call a shirt." I rolled my eyes as Edward stood again, moving quickly towards the door. Before I had the chance to say anything, to tell him the shiver had nothing to do with the temperature outside, he was already in the house retrieving the quilt Gran had made when I graduated high school.

When he returned, he wrapped the quilt around my shoulders. I took in a deep breath, encompassed by the worn-in smell of the quilt. As he made his way back the chair I asked, "Will you sit with me?"

He smiled and made himself comfortable in the space next to me. I placed my feet on his thighs before spreading the quilt over the top of us. Edward began unconsciously massaging my feet, and I felt myself relaxing, slipping back into slumber.

As he made circles with his thumbs in the arch of my left foot, I could feel Gran's hands rubbing circles along my shoulder, and I was reminded yet again of the conversation that needed to happen.

"Edward?" I didn't move - I couldn't move - wanting to keep the coming topic as light as possible.

"We need to talk," I said, after he turned his head towards me, acknowledging that he had heard me.

Edward turned his head back down to where his fingers were running between my toes. His eyebrows knit together, and I saw his jaw clench minutely. He sighed as he sat up straighter.

"Bella, I…" He didn't finish his thought. I moved to sit up too, removing my feet from his lap. I brought my knees up in front of me, setting my chin on top.

"We need to tell our parents, our families."

Edward didn't look up. I lifted my eyes to glance at him and could see him clenching his eyes shut.

"Edward," I whispered. He eventually looked over at me, and I could see the pain swimming behind his eyes. He was hurting. He was trying to hide that he was hurting. I wanted to comfort him, to tell him everything was going to be okay. I needed to tell him that I was strong and that this wouldn't beat us. But in that moment, seeing him just as fearful as I was, I couldn't.

He must have seen the same thing in my eyes, the pleading, because he pulled me up and into the crook of his shoulder before wrapping his arms around me.

"God, Bella," he said, tightening his hold. "It'll be okay, baby. It's going to be okay, I swear to you."

I knew he was saying it for himself as much as for me. Tears started threatening to spill over, but I held them back. We sat, Edward continuing to run his hand up and down my arm. Occasionally he would move hair that had blown around in the wind and reposition his chin against the top of my head.

"I love you," he said, softly, placing his lips against my temple. He held them there, and I felt his breath tremble.

"I'm scared, Edward." It should have been easy to say those two simple words. I had done it so easily with Gran in my dream, but admitting this to Edward seemed next to impossible. I needed to be strong for him; admitting that I was scared felt like I was failing him. "I'm so fucking scared." A single tear escaped the pool that had collected in the corner of my eye as I told him.

Edward held on to me tighter, not saying anything. Lone tears continued to slip down my nose as I tried to regain control. I felt Edward take a deep, steady breath. He moved to turn sideways, causing me to do the same, so that we sat face to face.

"Bella." He took my hands in his. "I'm scared too. I…I've never been more scared in my life, not even for boards." He looked up, giving me a half smile.

I had a love/hate relationship with Edward's need to interject humor into every serious discussion we had. In that moment though, it was exactly what I needed to bring the discussion back to the lighter side.

"I don't know what to do, where to go from here. There's so much we need to talk about, but where the hell do we start? I feel so lost." I felt like I was rambling inane things just to keep the conversation open. I really had no idea what we even needed to talk about, just that we did.

"Bella, we don't really know anything yet. The test could still come back negative. It's a little presumptuous to start talking as if we have a firm diagnosis."

I looked at him incredulously. He stared back at me, his eyes slowly resolving to what we both knew to be the truth. I watched as the little spark of hope that had been there fade away.

"Edward, I think…" I was cut off before I could finish.

"Bella? Can we just wait until we hear back from Riley? Please?" He was pleading both with his words and with his eyes. I could see him fighting back the wetness that was threatening. I had seen Edward tear up once in our entire relationship – the day we got married. Even then, it was simply a sheen over the top of his eyes. No tears were actually shed. I couldn't bear for this to be the moment those tears actually spilled over.

I simply nodded.

We spent the rest of the morning lounging on the patio. I was eventually able to keep down a few bites of a bagel and a couple of crackers for lunch. Edward had some paperwork he needed to get done for the clinic, so I settled in on the couch to watch the latest sappy romantic comedy. I had fallen asleep somewhere after the lead actress swore off men altogether, awakening to the sappy soundtrack that accompanied the credits coupled with Edward's voice streaming in from the kitchen.

"No, we haven't heard anything," I heard him say. "I'll let you know as soon as we do."

I could only imagine he was talking with his dad. If he weren't willing to talk with me about things until Dr. Biers called, he surely wouldn't be talking to anyone else about it. The only other person that knew was Carlisle.

"No, Dad, we haven't discussed it yet," he said, confirming what I thought. I heard him breathe out a loud sigh. "We can't yet, we just can't. We're…I'm…not ready. Not until we hear from Riley and know exactly what we're facing."

It hit me then, Edward's reasoning for not wanting to talk yet. Edward was a tedious planner. Everything was always researched to its fullest extent before any sort of plan was laid out on the table. It was the reason he graduated top of his class, and one hell of a good physical therapist. My possibly being sick wouldn't be any different in his mind. Hell, this was probably tantamount to anything he'd ever mapped out before.

"Dad, please…" His tone was becoming frustrated. Edward obviously needed a break from the conversation, so I decided to make myself known. I turned over and moved to sit up with more weight than necessary, causing the leather to creak and alert Edward that I was awake. "Hey, Bella's awake. I'll call you later…Yes, as soon as I hear anything…Bye, Dad."

"Good morning, sleeping beauty," he said as he walked into the living room.

"Ugh, please. I feel gross. I need a shower."

"Need some help?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"No thanks, Casanova."

Edward helped me off the couch and up the stairs.

"I'm going to finish up in the office while you make yourself beautiful again."

"Ah, I'm offended, Mr. Cullen. This," I motioned up and down my sweaty, greasy frame, "does not live up to your standards?"

He narrowed his eyes at me while bunching his mouth up to the side.

"On the contrary, Mrs. Cullen."

He grabbed me by the hips, pulling me flush against him. Our faces were centimeters apart, and I caught myself holding my breath, hoping he wouldn't catch a whiff of my likely repulsive breath. My attempts, however, were futile as his lips met mine forcefully. His tongue sought out mine, and my body responded, betraying my brain. His tongue still held traces of cinnamon and vanilla which, for whatever reason, was nowhere near as revolting as the smell of the actual pastry. In fact, it tasted magnificent. I couldn't get enough. I found myself swirling my tongue with his with more force, and it wasn't long before my hands made their way from my sides on to his chest, up his neck and into his hair. His grip on my waist tightened as he pulled me closer, pressing his arousal into my thigh.

I moaned, feeling the nausea and exhaustion give in to the awakening need I held for my husband.

"You…are…gorgeous…sexy…beautiful…always," he said in between kisses.

I pulled back slightly. "Still want to help me with that shower?"

We made quick work of our clothes as we stumbled towards our bedroom. Our lips never parted, except for when shirts needed to be pulled up. Once we had made it to the bathroom, I forced my head away and turned, leaning around the glass door to turn the water on. Edward's hands never left, simply moving with me as I turned my body around. He placed wet kisses along my shoulder blades while his hands made their way across and up my stomach, eventually coming to rest on my breasts as I turned the shower head on.

I whimpered as his fingers rolled over my nipples. He continued to place kisses along my back and neck, the warmth of his breath over the wetness sending shivers down my back, along my legs, and into my toes.

"We're wasting water," I said, breathlessly.

"Mmm, well we wouldn't want that."

We moved into the shower, where Edward continued roaming my body with his hands. I would realize later there was a sort of desperation in his movements, as though he was trying to memorize every inch, every feeling of my body. In the moment, my hands couldn't stay out of his hair, nor could my lips part with his. I was thankful we were in the shower, as my body was aching with want. As though he sensed my need, Edward's right hand made its way towards my center. He ran his fingers along the inside of my thighs achingly slowly, up and down, again and again.

"Edward," I moaned. "If you know what's good for you, you'll quit being a fucking tease."

"Mmm. I love it when you talk dirty," he goaded. He heeded my advice, however, and his fingers swept along my throbbing folds twice before entering.

"Ffffuuu…God," I said through gritted teeth. I braced myself, placing one hand along the marble tile of the shower and the other against the glass door that had now completely fogged over.

Edward continued moving in and out, picking up his pace and then slowing down as soon as I would begin the climb towards the edge. His thumb would graze against my clit, causing me to lose my balance. I removed my hand from the door of the shower and wasted no time placing it around him. Our ministrations quickly synced, and it wasn't long before we were both panting. I needed to climax, and soon, or my body was going to give out on me. Edward removed his fingers and held on to my hips as I placed my left foot along the ledge of the shower, bracing myself before lining him up with me. I kept one hand along the tile while the other gripped tightly to Edward's shoulder. His arms wound around my back, his mouth coming to rest on my shoulder. We moved together, perfectly in sync, teeth nipping, hands grasping, until we both climaxed.

As our bodies relaxed, we continued to hold on to each other, letting the warm water cascade around us. Our breathing was heavy in the steam that had settled over the bathroom. The high I was on began falling, and the weight of our new reality was right behind it.

"I love you," Edward said, placing a kiss on my shoulder. I continued holding on to him with a vice-like grip.

"I love you, too," I whispered in his ear.

I was thankful yet again that we were in the shower, and the single tear that slid down my cheek could pass as nothing more than water.

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><p><strong>AN - Thanks again for reading/alerting/reviewing! Next chapter, Riley gives them the news they've been waiting for. Their reactions along with the different family members - it's going to be a hard one.**


	7. The Clock

**A/N - Big hugs and thank you's to my now permanent betas tiffanyanne3 and dreamergirl87! These girls are so amazing and I am so lucky to have them see this story through until the end.**

**SM owns it.**

**Song Credit - The Clock *Thom Yorke***

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

It had been over two weeks since my appointment with Riley. I was still struggling with bouts of nausea, but it seemed to be lessening. That or I was simply becoming used to it, the signals of when it would pass and when the previous meal began begging to make a reappearance becoming easier to determine. I began spending a couple of hours every few days back at the library, catching up on paperwork and setting schedules for the upcoming summer story times and reading programs. Those few hours became precious to me. I was growing so damn tired of being in bed, unable to function.

You know how great that feeling is after a long week of work, sitting on the couch in sweats, wrapped up in your favorite blanket, catching up on all the shitty television you missed that week? Yeah, well, that feeling leaves after about three days of nothingness. Eventually you run out of crappy TV, and all you're left with is Dr. Phil, Oprah, and Ellen. God bless Ellen. At least I got one hour a day guaranteed to make me laugh at least five times.

I was still sore where they had withdrawn the marrow from my hip, but that too was diminishing. Looking back, Edward's and my _activities_ afterward had likely been anything but helpful in the healing process.

Things with Edward had seemed to shift after that night in the shower. I had managed to pull myself together before he could figure out my face wasn't just wet from the water. The rest of the day went on as normal, which was odd. There was no more mention from Edward about what lingered over us. He went back to get his work done, we had lunch, I napped, we had dinner, laid around and watched a movie, and went about our normal nightly routine as though the last few days hadn't happened. I didn't think much of it at the time. Edward had said he didn't want to think worst case scenarios until we heard from Dr. Biers. It made sense, I suppose. Something was off though. When he would kiss me goodbye in the morning, it was a simple, innocent peck on the forehead. When he would pull away he gave me the side smirk, but it wasn't the same. His eyes were off. Hell, the way he said "I love you" even felt forced.

I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong, and the more I tried the more frustrated I became. The one time I had brought up Riley's name and whether Edward had heard anything, I was given a terse "no" after he had frozen in place while rinsing out his coffee cup. When he turned around and noticed my stare, he followed up with a simple, "I'm sure we'll hear soon," before the morning goodbye act began.

I shuffled in one Wednesday night exhausted. I had managed to stay at the library after getting roped in to leading that afternoon's story and craft time by my favorite regular, Olivia.

"Pweeeeeeeaaase, Miss Bella! We're reading a story about butterflies, and then get to MAKE our own today! You HAVE to come!"

"Okay, okay," I laughed, taking her by the hand and walking into the story room. I was greeted with around fifteen _Miss Bella_'_s _before taking over and jumping into the story.

I shuffled in the front door, throwing my keys on the table and pressing the button on the answering machine out of habit.

"_Hey, sweets. It's your mother. You know, the one that labored for fifteen hours only to have you ripped out of me, raised you, fed you, and clothed you. Yeah, that one. Haven't heard from you in a while, so just calling to check in. Love you! Talk to you later." _

I smiled as I listened to my mom's voice while going through the mail. We had your typical mother/daughter relationship. We argued just like every other mother and daughter. We weren't best friends by any means, but she was my mom. She made me laugh when I needed to, let me vent and cry and seek advice on typical relationship – and eventually marriage - woes.

"_Bella! It's your favorite sister-in-law. Call me back ASAP. Rose and I are thinking drinks Friday night. Oh, screw it, I'm sending you a text." _

I chuckled as Alice's voice trailed off, seemingly forgetting she was leaving a voicemail. I was starting to mildly regret ever introducing the two of them when we had held the grand opening event at the clinic. Within five minutes they were acting as though they had known each other for years.

"_Edward, Bella. Riley Biers calling. We got the reports back on Bella's marrow draw. Call me when you both get home. We'll talk soon."_

I stood frozen, picking apart the words I was hearing. The inflection in his voice as he spoke and the speed at which he said them gave nothing away. I swore on all that is holy they teach an entire damn course on how to be as vague as humanly fucking possible in medical school.

I was still standing next to the answering machine, replaying Riley's words in my head, trying to find something, _anything_, when Edward walked in.

"Hey, are you just getting home?" he asked, placing his keys next to mine and picking up the mail I had left on the table.

"I, uh…" I cleared my throat. "I stayed to run story and craft time today." I relayed the begging and pleading, impersonating Liv's tone perfectly.

"You look bushed. Go relax. I'll make something for dinner," he said, moving towards the kitchen.

"Edward."

He turned back. I hesitated before speaking.

"There's a, uh… There was a message from Dr. Biers," I said. I played it back for Edward, watching him as he listened. I hoped maybe he would catch something that I didn't, knowing he likely took the Ambiguity 101 class in school.

If he did hear something between the lines, he didn't let on. He grabbed his cell phone and started towards the kitchen. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before following him.

"Edward," I said as I rounded the corner into the kitchen.

"Riley, it's Edward Cullen," he said into the phone, turning towards me as I entered. "She's right here, yeah. One second." Edward motioned me over to the kitchen table, pushing a button on his phone before setting it down on the table between us.

"Okay, you're on speaker, Riley. Bella's right here."

"Bella? How are we today?"

"I'm okay. Tired but good, all things considered." I glanced up at Edward, noticing he had his elbows on the table, hands clenched together against his mouth. "You got results back?" I asked, not taking my eyes off of Edward as he stared at the phone between us.

"Yeah, uhm…" He trailed off, before we heard him take a deep breath.

_Shit. _

_No. _

_Fuck. _

_Oh my god. _

_Shit. _

"It came back positive, guys." He spoke quietly, the doctor façade waning. "You have leukemia, Bella."

Edward's eyes clenched shut at the word _positive_, while my heart dropped to my stomach.

Riley cleared his throat, the sound from the tiny speaker on Edward's phone reverberating in the silent kitchen.

"This is a pretty rapid form, Bella, so beginning treatment as soon as possible is vital."

I looked to Edward for an answer, but he remained still, eyes still clamped shut.

"Uhm, yeah, whatever we need to do," I finally replied.

"We need to run some more tests before we dive in to what forms of treatment are going to be most effective. I'd like to admit you into the hospital for a couple of days." I glanced up as Edward shifted, watching as his eyes clenched shut impossibly tighter as he parted his lips and bit down on his forefinger. "It would make it much simpler and quicker to get results and begin treatment."

Riley finally stopped talking and silence overtook the room. I couldn't look at Edward any longer, wanting so badly to take his hand out of his mouth before he drew blood, but knowing I couldn't. My mind was nowhere near capable of comforting anyone at that moment, myself included.

"Edward? Bella? You guys still with me?"

"Yeah, Riley," I said weakly. "We're still here."

"I know it's a lot to take in. Why don't you plan on heading down to UW first thing tomorrow morning? I'll call and tell them to be expecting you. I'll meet you there, and we'll talk more in depth, okay? "

"Yeah, okay. We'll be there."

"Go get some rest. I'll see you both tomorrow."

"Thanks, Riley."

"Goodnight."

Edward gave no indication he was going to move anytime soon, so I leaned forward to end the call with Riley before setting the phone back down in the middle of the table.

We both sat in silence for over twenty minutes. Every "_what if", "how, why", "what happens when"_ scenario played out in my head at the same time, which brought the nausea back full force. I could not focus my brain on one single thing. All the while, Edward still sat with his finger lodged between his teeth. If his brow weren't furrowed so damn deep, I would have thought he'd fallen asleep like that. As if a light bulb epiphany were happening, my mind halted and zeroed in on one task.

Help Edward.

I stood to get a glass of water, hoping the latest wave of nausea would pass. I downed one glass, then two, before refilling a third time and grabbing a glass for Edward. I set it down in front of him and raised my hand, passing my fingers through his hair.

"Edward?" I said quietly.

I could feel how tense and rigid his body was as I continued running my hands through his hair. I moved both hands towards his and gently pried his hand free of the torture he was inflicting upon himself.

"Edward."

Still nothing.

"Edward, please. Talk to me." I pushed his hands down towards the table while I leaned down, rubbing his knuckles with my thumbs. His eyes remained shut.

Five minutes.

Ten minutes.

Nothing.

I sighed. "I'm going to bed. There are leftovers in the fridge if you get hungry."

I stood upright, making one last pass through the strands of his hair, hoping for some sort of reaction. A sigh, a flinch, anything to acknowledge he was in there.

Nothing.

I kissed his forehead, lingering longer than normal before giving him my love and heading upstairs. As I glanced back before turning the corner, the light made it appear as though a tear was caught in the edge of Edward's eye.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of Thom Yorke's voice echoing out of the bathroom, singing about time running out and not being able to stop it.

It was Edward's thinking music. His choice of music was completely dependent on his mood. Maroon 5? His "let's practice makin' babies" music. Foo Fighters, Muse? "Pumped up, let's get some work done" music. Mumford and Sons? "Sitting on the patio with friends and family with some wine and beer" music. Thom hadn't made an appearance over the iPod system Edward had insisted be installed in months.

I stretched, sore from the way I had fallen asleep last night. I sighed as I threw my legs over the edge of the bed, resigning myself to the inevitable conversation I was going to have to start over breakfast this morning.

I sat at the kitchen table, my hands wrapped around a cup of green tea. I blew away the steam rising over the top of the cup, going over all the things I wanted to say to my husband and how best to say them. I heard him start down the stairs, his pace slow and quiet. I looked up towards the entrance to the kitchen as he rounded the corner. He made eye contact with me before quickly turning his gaze towards the coffee pot.

"Morning," he said, walking over to the counter.

"Morning," I replied hesitantly.

I focused on his movements as he filled a cup and replaced the pot, praying he would give me more this morning.

Wishful thinking, I suppose. I inhaled and exhaled slowly, deliberately, trying to slow my heart.

"Edward, we've got to talk about this."

He turned around, leaning back against the counter. One hand rested on the counter next to him, while the other was wrapped around his mug as he too attempted to cool his cup of energy down. It was such a seemingly normal stance, as though this were an everyday conversation we were rehashing yet again.

Heart rate be damned. I couldn't stand it.

"Dammit, Edward! Seriously? How long are you going to pretend this isn't happening?"

He stared at me for a few moments, eyes blazing, before blinking and focusing back on the cup in his hand. I sat, breathing heavily, waiting for him to say something.

Nothing. Still nothing.

"Jesus H. Christ, Edward. This is ridiculous! I am going into the _hospital_. Today. This morning. You do realize this, don't you? As soon as we are done with these cups, we are driving to the hospital."

His brows furrowed as he swallowed heavily. I continued to stare, fuming that he couldn't talk to me about this. I_ needed_ him to talk to me. I realized as I sat there that in the little over twelve hours we had known about the cancer, I had felt _so_ alone. I was so confused, angry, and hurt over one simple word: leukemia. I watched enough television to know what the coming months held for me. I needed my husband, my support system, and he was nowhere to be found. Instead, I got…nothing.

"Dammit!" I yelled, slamming my cup down. A wave of sadness hit me and I didn't bother to keep the dam from overflowing. I rubbed at my eyes with the bottom of my hands, smearing the tears rather than letting them fall. "Edward, we have to tell our parents, your brother and Alice. _WE_ have to tell them. I _cannot_ do it alone. I can't do _THIS_ alone," I sobbed, hoping he would understand the meaning of my words.

Still nothing.

Edward continued to stand there, foot over ankle, against the counter not bothering to look me in the eye while he tried to overcome his sudden bout of dysphonia.

I moved my hands, placing them flat against the table before standing. I stood, looking towards Edward, pleading with my eyes for him to talk to me.

I took a trembling breath. "I'm going upstairs to shower and pack a bag."

I started towards the stairs, letting the tears continue to fall but holding in the sobs that were begging to be released. I just needed to make it to the shower and I could set them free.

"Bella." I heard him whisper as I wiped away the tears that had pooled under my nose with the back of my hand. I ceased walking but didn't bother turning around. I waited for him to speak, but as was his usual lately, he said nothing.

"Edward," I exhaled, turning around and coming face-to-face with him. I looked up at him, new tears forming. He pulled me into him, winding his arms around me completely. He held me tightly, his grip on my arms likely leaving red circles. I let the sobs escape then, gripping his shirt in both my hands.

I said nothing. He said nothing. We stood there - me encased in Edward's strength, letting the severity of everything weigh down on us. My sobs slowed, eventually becoming hiccups, and then small sniffles. I felt him take a deep breath.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. He let go of one arm and placed his hand on the back of my head, running it down my neck and across my shoulder blades. "I'm such a shit."

"Yes, you are," I said, wiping a bit of the tear-snot mixture on his shirt. He snickered.

"I don't know what to do here, Bella," he breathed. "I can't lose you."

"Hey. Stop. Let's not go there yet, okay? We need to focus on right now, getting to the hospital and getting in touch with everybody."

"Don't you think we should wait a bit before calling everyone? It's going to cause hysteria, and the last thing you need to deal with is everyone at the hospital 24/7 while you're trying to get better."

"Edward, of course we have to tell everyone. Don't you think they'll start questioning where we went when they don't hear from either of us for a few days? Not to mention, your dad is a doctor with a lot of doctor friends. He'd find out eventually."

He sighed, keeping his eyes locked with mine. "How?"

Four hours later, I lay in one of those absurdly uncomfortable hospital beds, IVs hooked up in both arms, a blood pressure cuff permanently attached to my arm, surrounded by my mom and dad, Edward's parents, and Alice and Jasper.

When we arrived at the hospital, Riley came in and began going over the tests they were going to do. I was quickly wheeled off to have a chest x-ray done, as well as an ultrasound to see if the cancer had spread. I was scheduled to have a spinal tap done later that afternoon to make sure the leukemia cells hadn't spread into the fluid around my spinal cord.

To say I was terrified would be a vast understatement.

After the initial rounds of testing were done, and we were left alone for more than ten minutes, Edward and I decided it was time to call everyone. Edward was in charge of his family while I called Renee.

"You're WHAT?" she had shouted, causing me to hold the phone away from my ear.

"Renee, relax. We'll explain it all when you get here."

"Isabella Marie, I don't like this."

"Mom, just call Dad and come down, okay?" I was struggling to keep my cool. I was always honest and up front with my mother. The fact that I was being so vague was surely setting off alarms in her head. I wasn't sure any longer if I could tell them face to face.

"We'll be there soon, baby. I love you."

"Love you too, Mom." I hung up the phone before my quivering voice would register with her.

"Mom and Dad will be here soon," I told Edward.

"Dad is actually already here at the hospital. He's headed down from upstairs. Mom is on her way with Jas and Alice."

I nodded. We sat in silence as we waited for everyone to arrive. Carlisle knew, of course, after sneaking a peak at my medical chart. He came in and hugged Edward, whispering something in his ear, before turning his attention to me.

"Bella, my dear."

"Please, Carlisle. I can't, not yet," I said, tearing up. He nodded in understanding before taking a seat on the couch next to the window.

As we sat waiting for the others, Carlisle was in and out, presumably talking with doctors or nurses or stealing more looks at my information. I was propped upright, legs folded beneath me, my hands in my lap as I rubbed circles around my thumb. Edward was in the chair next to me, his elbows propped on his knees, hands encircled against his mouth.

Within thirty minutes, everyone had made it to the hospital and were staggered around the tiny hospital room, waiting impatiently for one of us to speak.

I cleared my throat before speaking. "So, um, thanks for coming. Edward and I thought it would be easier to talk with everyone together, at one time."

"Bella what is going on?" My impatient mother was pulled back by Charlie, who placed his arm over her shoulder, rubbing up and down as her eyes pleaded with me to tell her anything but what I was about to.

I looked to Edward, hoping for a reprieve from the spotlight.

He cleared his throat as well, rubbing his hands down his face. "You all know that Bella hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctors started running tests, and it came back that Bella…that Bella is sick."

"Oh God." I heard Renee cry to my right. I couldn't bring myself to look at her or Charlie, knowing it would completely break my heart. Instead, I focused on making perfect circles on my fingers.

"How sick?" Esme, Edward's mom and my second mother, piped up.

Edward and I exchanged a look. "I have leukemia," I said quietly.

"Oh, Bella!" my mom wailed. She was at my side instantly, pulling me into a tight hug. "Oh, baby girl. My sweet baby girl," she muttered, rocking us back and forth. I rubbed her back, hoping to soothe her. I glanced up at my dad, who was running his fingers over his mustache repeatedly, something he only did when he was distressed about something. My eyes moved across the room to Alice, who was sobbing quietly into Jasper's shoulder. Jasper's attention was solely on his brother, sensing Edward's grief. I moved further along to see Esme and Carlisle in the corner, Esme whispering in frustration. My best guess was she had figured Carlisle had known and not told her, and she was none too pleased about it. Her eyes would occasionally shift towards Edward as well, a mother wanting nothing more than to protect her son. She then turned her attention to me, tears welling up in her eyes as she came to sit on the other side of me, wrapping her arms around both me and Renee.

The tears and hugs and questions continued for well over an hour before Riley returned.

"Bella, it's time to head down for the spinal tap," he said, remorse visible in his eyes as he looked towards his friend Carlisle and the rest of the family.

"We'll be right here when you get back, baby," Renee said as she stood. She placed a kiss on my forehead and squeezed my hand. Esme did the same, and they left the room arm in arm. Alice and Jasper said goodbye next.

"We'll be back tomorrow, B, as soon as we drop Aiya off. " Alice said, trying to sound strong and failing.

"Give her kisses for me," I said, hugging her tightly.

"Will do."

"We'll see you later, Miss Bella," Jasper said, leaning in for a small hug. "Ed, call me if you need to."

Edward nodded.

Carlisle came over and placed his hand on mine. "I'll be back tonight before heading home," he said, squeezing my hand.

"Thank you, Carlisle."

"I'll be sure you're properly taken care of, Bella. You're family, after all. Only the best for Cullens." He winked before stepping back, looking Edward in the eye. They said nothing, but a conversation was had between the two of them nonetheless.

Charlie was the last to step up.

"Daddy," I whispered.

"You're strong, Bella. You'll get through this," he said, his meaning very clear as he squeezed my shoulder.

Once everyone was out of the room, Riley finished writing his notes and stepped back over. "All set, Bella?"

"Ready as I'll ever be, I suppose." In truth, I was absolutely petrified. I had never heard a positive telling of a spinal tap experience.

Riley pulled the connections to all the monitors and placed the IV bags on the bed above my head. He and a nurse that had come in kicked the brakes loose on the wheels and pushed me through the door, Edward following alongside.

I looked up at him, fear clouding everything. He looked down towards me, the same fear evident. He grabbed my hand and squeezed as we were wheeled through the double doors to the procedure area.

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><p><strong>AN - Angst-ward makes a brief appearance! And he'll be around more and more over the next few chapters...**


	8. Love Like A Sunset

**A/N - Thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you that have reviewed, favorited, and/or alerted this story. How many ways can one say it makes her day? The smiles are getting more giddy by the chapter...you truly make me so happy and make me want to continue to tell this tale. **

**Hugs to my absurdly talented beta, tiffanyanne3. I could not, would not do this without her. If you're looking for more fics to add to your list, check out her profile. Seven Year Hitch and You Should Know are so good. **

**SM owns it. **

**Song Credit - Love Like A Sunset *Phoenix***

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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

I held Bella's hand as the nurses began prepping trays of instruments, checking to make sure the numerous machines and alarms were properly working, and finally making their way to Bella.

They were originally not going to let me in the room while the spinal tap occurred. Over my dead body were they going to put their hands on my wife without me present. Thankful yet again for my father's status and connections, coupled with my unyielding arguing on the matter, strings were pulled and I was allowed in.

"Alright, Bella. We're going to have you roll over onto your side." The nurse in charge was an older woman who introduced herself as Bev. She had short, choppy black hair with hints of grey appearing, now covered with a sterile blue paper cap. Her eyes were kind, wrinkled at the edges. She was aged, likely after years of hospital life, but her aura was wise. She was kind and calming, a quality that was rare amongst older, burnt-out healthcare workers. I was more than grateful she was with us, with Bella, during the procedure. "Perfect. That's good, sweetie," she said, as she adjusted blankets to cover the lower half of Bella's body.

As the other nurses were wheeling trays of tools closer to us, Bev began cleaning Bella's lower back where the tap would take place. I did my best to avoid looking at the trays being placed around us, but the length of some of those needles was hard to ignore.

I swallowed the bile that was forming in the back of my throat, as I felt Bella squeeze my hand.

"Hey." She smiled, but the fear and panic was written all over her face. "Focus on me, okay?"

_This woman_, I thought to myself. I had been a self-righteous ass the last few days and, yet again, here she was trying to comfort me.

I needed to make it up to Bella, the avoidance, the lack of communication on how I felt, but I had no idea how to explain everything I was feeling. I felt as though the last twenty-four hours I had been wading through mud. Words came in snippets of clarity while my mind tried to grasp exactly what was happening – my worst nightmare. I had so many emotions coursing through my veins at once – anger, fear, resistance, doubt, anxiety – couple all of that with the adrenaline pumping, and it was a miracle I wasn't on the floor immersed in the throes of a panic attack.

As we told our families, I felt my father's gaze on me. He had attempted to pull me aside earlier, but I refused, telling him I needed to focus on Bella. His eyes focused on mine, intent on getting me to talk to him. My mother came to my rescue, stepping up and simply patting my cheek, while kissing the other. I looked down as she pulled away, not able to witness the tears still streaming down her face.

Bella squeezed my hand again, pulling me away from the images of pity and helplessness forever burned in my memory.

"I'm right here, babe." I smiled back to her. I looked up as I heard the doors open. Riley came in, followed by another doc in scrubs. They walked around the bed into Bella's line of sight.

"Bella, Edward, this is Dr. Banner. He's going to be performing the tap."

"Nice to meet you," Dr. Banner said cheerfullly. I eyed him up and down as he stood smiling, noticing how young he appeared. And I failed to see anything that deemed a smile appropriate.

"Wait, you aren't doing it?" Bella directed her question towards Riley.

"Not my area of expertise, Bella. Dr. Banner here is the best in the hospital when it comes to these types of procedures. I'll be here to assist him and talk you through it, though."

"Okay," Bella sighed, resigned.

As Riley and Dr. Banner made their way back around the bed to get situated, I lowered the stool I was sitting on, making it easier to lean down on the edge of the bed. I lowered my head to rest along my right arm, while my left was still firmly holding onto Bella, putting us eye to eye.

"Hi," I whispered, a smile playing on my lips in hopes of distracting her.

"Hi," she whispered back.

"Remember our trip to Florida last year?"

She nodded.

"Remember the lady you had to sit next to on the flight?"

Bella laughed, and my heart soared. I hadn't heard her laugh in weeks. I declared it there and then as my favorite sound in the world.

"I thought for sure they were going to make an emergency landing to kick her off the plane," she said, still chuckling. "Oh my gosh, and the rental car." She giggled, shaking her head.

I joined in the laughs as I remembered the little yellow Chevy Aveo they stuck us with. I felt absolutely ridiculous driving it, but Bella had refused the upgrade they offered us, saying it was a waste of money when it was just the two of us.

"All right, guys. I think we're ready to get started," Dr. Banner interrupted. The calm we had both managed to create quickly dissipated back into anxiety. "I'm going to numb the area first. This will all be very similar to the puncture you had done with Dr. Biers."

Bella nodded and grasped my hand even tighter. Her eyes pinched shut as he began, her hand twitching each time the needle was reinserted. I lifted my head, freeing my right hand. I ran my hand over the side of her head, pushing her hair back.

"You're doing great, Bella. You'll feel a little bit of pressure on this next one, but it shouldn't be painful."

I continued running my hand over Bella's forehead, her eyes still clenched tight.

"Remember the day we spent at the beach?" I tried distracting her. "Best bacon cheeseburger I've ever had," I joked. She nodded, her hand relaxing minutely. "Parasailing. You were so scared. You squealed the entire time," I teased. I saw her eyes slowly release their tension as I continued describing the day we had spent by the ocean during our Florida trip.

"Shit!" Dr. Banner yelled, while Bella simultaneously howled a moan.

"Bella? Are you okay? What the hell did you do?" I yelled, sitting up so I could see. Dr. Banner was removing the needle completely, while two of the three nurses in the room scrambled to get a new tray together.

Bev, who had been above Bella's head keeping an eye on monitors, moved closer to us. "Bella, honey, are you okay?" I looked back down, Bella clearly in pain, eyes clenched shut again.

"Mmhmm," she muttered.

"What's going on?" I demanded.

"The needle struck a nerve. We're going to have to start over," Dr. Banner said, frustrated.

"I thought you said he was the best?" I directed my question at Riley.

"Edward, Bella, it happens sometimes. Dr. Banner will start over, re-numbing the area, and inserting a little lower so as not to strike the nerve again," Bev explained.

"See that you do," I sneered.

"Edward, please," Bella said, quietly. "Sit down so they can finish."

I sat back down with an audible _humph_, refocusing my attention.

"Are you okay?" I asked again.

"I will be."

Within fifteen minutes, they had placed a fresh needle and collected enough spinal fluid for testing. As they removed the needle, Bella's entire body relaxed. She took a deep breath, finally opening her eyes.

"Hey," I said, repeating our words when we first began this spinal tap mess.

"Hey."

"Alright, Bella. We've got you all closed up back here, so we're going to have you slowly roll back onto your back," Bev said. She held on to Bella's shoulder and hip as Bella slowly rolled down. She winced as the pressure of the bed came in contact with the sensitive area of her back.

"Doing okay, Bella?" Riley asked, stepping up.

"Ever had a spinal tap done, Dr. Biers?" she asked.

"I have not," Riley replied, an acquiesced smile playing at his mouth. "I want you to stay on your back for the next few hours. I'm going to have the nurses upstairs give you some Tylenol to stave off the headache you're likely to get. We should have results back by the end of the day."

"You know where to find me," Bella said, as Bev began releasing the brakes on the bed.

"That I do," he chuckled, patting her on the shoulder. "Edward," he nodded as I passed by.

I gave the customary nod back, still none too pleased with what had occurred.

Two hours had passed, Bella napping while I immersed myself in paperwork for the clinic. I realized as I signed off on some insurance papers Rosalie had left for me that I was going to have to fill her in. Things were going to have to be adjusted at the clinic, and being that she damn near ran the place, it wasn't fair to keep her in the dark on the reasons why. I dreaded it but knew I needed to do it sooner rather than later. As I began to sit up, ready to make the call to Rose out in the waiting room so as not to disturb Bella, she began to wake up.

"Hey, pretty girl," I said, setting my phone aside.

"Mmm. How long have I been asleep?" She yawned.

"Couple of hours," I said, glancing at the clock on the wall.

"Jesus," she said, stretching. She winced when the area of her lower back pulled.

"Still sore?" I asked, still in my chair next to her bed. I was afraid to get close to her, of pulling on one of the many cords attached to her, or shifting the bed and causing her pain where she was still so sensitive.

"Not bad," she said, smiling, never one to show just how much pain she was in.

"Do you need anything? Some more Tylenol?"

"I think I'm good for a bit."

"Are you hungry? Thirsty? I can run and get you something."

"Actually…" Bella was interrupted by an aide, who was bringing in a tray of food.

"Seriously?" Bella asked. "Am I restricted to hospital food?"

"Doctors orders, I'm afraid." The aide turned and left for the next room.

"Awesome," Bella said sarcastically, before sighing heavily.

"I'll talk to Riley," I said.

"Don't bother. He wouldn't have ordered it if it weren't important."

I was about to argue when Alice and Jasper walked in.

"Knock, knock!" she said cheerfully, a stark contrast to the demeanor she had left with.

"Hey," Bella said, noticeably cheerier.

"I snuck in ice cream," she said, holding up a brown paper bag. "I figured they'd have you on that dog food. You need real sustenance."

"Thanks, Al," Bella said, motioning towards the little refrigerator in the room, complete with freezer drawer.

Everyone sat and talked as though nothing had changed. Except that everything had. The other three seemed to forget that we were in a hospital, surrounding Bella, who lay in a hospital bed.

My Bella.

I started feeling resentment towards my sister and her husband as they sat talking freely. They were interrupting my time with my wife. Who knew how long I had left with her, and here they were acting as though everything would be fine.

My bitterness was interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Evening," Dr. Biers said as he entered the small square space. "How're we doing?"

"Just indulging in the fine fare of UW," Bella deadpanned.

"Seriously, Riley? Is the hospital's interpretation of food really necessary?" I asked.

"Edward." Bella scowled towards me.

"Unfortunately, Bella's going to need a nutrient-rich diet for the near future. We can control what's going in and know that we are doing everything possible to aid in her treatment."

I blanched a bit at the word treatment.

Jasper cleared his throat before speaking, "We'll just take off for the night. I'm sure we'll be back tomorrow." He glanced at Alice as he stood, who was pouting. She sighed before standing and joining her husband.

"I'll be back tomorrow as soon as Jas is home from work. They won't let me bring Aiya," she said, glaring at Riley.

"It's okay, Al." Bella chuckled at her misguided anger. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Riley noted all of Bella's vitals as Alice and Jasper said their goodbyes. After they had closed the door, he finished writing something in Bella's chart before turning to us. He leaned his hip against the counter, crossing his arms.

"Well kids," he started.

"Spit it out, Riley," I said angrily – perhaps more so than I intended, but I wanted, rather I _needed_ answers.

"Edward. Stop." Bella was mad now. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Riley lowered his head, dropping any hint of humor and friendly communication and moving straight to doctor-speak. "The results from the tap are encouraging. There was no indication that the cells in your spinal fluid have been affected. With the ultrasound showing no signs of migration to the organs, the cells haven't been mutating long."

"So, that's good news?" Bella questioned.

"That's very good news, Bella. The odds are in our favor if we begin to treat before the cells have had a chance to spread."

Bella exhaled loudly, relief taking over her features. I, on the other hand, sat with a feeling of unease. I wanted to trust Riley; I wanted to have that same hope and confidence. Deep down, it didn't feel right. I didn't trust him. He was giving Bella false hope.

"So," he continued. "I'm going to turn you over to a colleague of mine. Dr. Ganske is an oncologist. We'll be working in tandem throughout your treatment. She'll be in tomorrow to see you, but I've spoken with her on the phone discussing the results we've had thus far and what the best course of treatment is going to be."

There was another knock on the door, and my dad entered.

"I hope I'm not interrupting. Riley," he said, shaking hands. "They told me you were in here so I thought I'd stop by." He looked towards me for approval. Clearly seeing he wasn't going to get it, he looked to Bella.

"Of course, Carlisle." She nodded.

"I was just telling them there were no abnormalities found in Bella's spinal tap," Riley continued.

"That's good news," Dad said.

"Very," Riley said. "Dr. Helen Ganske is joining the case."

"You've got the best of the best on your side, Bella."

"So I've been told," she said.

"As I said, I've been in touch with Helen, and we've decided the best offensive start we have is chemotherapy. We'd like to go fairly aggressive with the treatments, so we'll keep you in the hospital while we continue."

"How long will that be?" Bella asked.

"We'd like to run a six week course and see what the results are. If it appears to be working, we'll do another round."

"And if it doesn't?" I asked, my skepticism leeching through.

"We'll begin looking at other options – stem cell transplant, trials."

By this point, Bella's positivity had shifted. She was rubbing her nail beds, bottom lip between her teeth, staring at her feet underneath the regulated thermal hospital blanket.

"When do we start?" she asked, voice barely above a whisper.

"Tomorrow." At this, both Bella and I looked towards Riley. "The sooner the better, guys."

Bella sighed before returning her focus on her fingers. The room fell silent, my eyes still trained on Riley. He watched Bella for a minute before glancing towards my dad. A silent conversation was had, but I couldn't pinpoint whether it was a positive or negative conversation.

"Well," Riley said, straightening himself. "I'm going to take off for the night. Try and get some rest, both of you." His eyes focused on me. "I'm leaving you in the very capable hands of Bev. I'll be back first thing in the morning with Dr. Ganske."

My father stood and walked Riley to the door, shaking his hand and thanking him.

_Yes, thank you for destroying my world, Riley. Much appreciated. _

Dad stayed and talked with Bella about what to expect, assuring her that she had the best doctors overseeing her treatment. As he was talking, Bev came in to help Bella shower.

"Let's go grab some coffee, son."

"I need to be here in case…"

"Bev is here. Bella will be fine," he interrupted, not taking no for an answer.

I followed him down the hall towards the elevator. We stood, silent, as we made our way down to the basement and towards the cafeteria. We filled our respective cups, paid the cashier who looked simply thrilled to be there, and took a seat in the corner. We sat, blowing at the warm cups. I kept my eyes trained on the steam rising from the top rather than look at my father. I knew what was coming.

"How are you, son?" he asked, breaking the silence and confirming my suspcions.

"My wife is dying, Dad. How do you think I'm doing?" My tone was clipped, but I had zero desire to be having this conversation with him right now.

He inhaled, holding his breath for a few seconds before releasing it. "She is sick, Edward, yes. But Riley said…"

"I really don't give a flying fuck what Riley said."

"Edward. Have a little respect. That man upstairs has pulled in a lot of favors to assure that Isabella receives top of the line treatment."I stared at him, my nostrils flaring and ears heating up. I needed to be by my wife, not down here talking about it with my father. "Bella is sick. She's going to need you there."

"Thanks for stating the obvious, Dad. Now that we agree on one thing, why are you keeping me down here instead of upstairs with her?"

"She's going to need all of you, Edward," he said, looking at me sternly. When I made no effort to speak, he broke his gaze and sighed before continuing. "I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. If your mother ever…"

"But it's not Mom, is it?" I sneered.

"You both have a long road ahead of you, Edward."

"Jesus, Dad. Can we cut the therapist bullshit? I'm completely aware of what is going to happen."

"All I'm saying is have faith, have hope."

"You know the statistics as well as I do, Dad," I said, finally lowering my voice. I was exhausted – mentally, emotionally, and physically. "Now can I please go spend what time I have left with my wife with _**her**_?"

He sighed, fingering his now empty cup.

"Edward," he started.

"Save it, Dad. We're done here." I stood, crumpling the cup in my hands. I threw it in the garbage as I made my way back down the hall. I attempted to rein in my anger as I rode the elevator back up. My father was a damn doctor; he knew the odds of Bella surviving this were slim.

I took a deep breath, pushing my irritation with my father aside, as I pushed the door to Bella's room open.

"Hey, where'd you run off to?" she asked. Her hair was back down, glossy like satin after her shower. She was out of the hospital-issued patient scrubs and in her favorite pair of grey yoga pants and matching grey and black striped tank-top.

She looked beautiful, delicate.

She didn't look sick, fragile.

But she was.

"Dad and I went and grabbed a coffee."

"Oh, good. You really should go home and get a decent night's sleep."

"Bella, I'm not leaving," I said firmly.

"I figured as much," she said, exhaling and smiling sideways towards me. She watched me carefully as I made my way into the room, taking my shoes off. "Come here." She patted the bed next to her.

"Bella, you're still sore," I started to resist.

"Edward, can it. I'm fine."

I moved towards her bed as she scooted over to make room. She lowered the bed down so we were halfway between sitting and lying down completely, and got comfortable before I moved to join. I sat carefully, trying my best to not move the upper half of the bed where her back would be.

"Edward, I'm _fine_. Lay down."

The bossy wife had come out. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. Just a little.

"Yes, ma'am," I said, attempting to lighten the mood.

As soon as I lay back, Bella was scooting herself closer to me. I wrapped my arms around her, reveling in the closeness. It felt like it had been months since we had been like this - Bella's body contoured along mine, hand on my chest covered with mine, while the other was wrapped around her.

It felt good.

I focused on her breathing, running my right hand along her hair and down her shoulder. My left hand traced shapes along the top of her hand, occasionally circling her wedding ring, remember the day she said yes.

I had set up a scavenger hunt throughout downtown Seattle. There were clues, with words she had to find amongst our favorite locations. The letters of the words coincided with numbers, which helped solve the final clue – where and when to meet that night. She had enlisted Alice's help, not knowing that she and Jasper had been in on the setup. When she arrived at the Meadowdale Beach park entrance, I was there waiting. I took her hand and simply smiled and gave a vague, "you'll see" answer each time she asked what was going on, where we were going, what we were doing. We made our way down the path to the beach just before sunset. We sat on our favorite log, overlooking the lake, watching the sun go down.

"_It's beautiful," she said. _

"_Mmm," I agreed. _

"_Thank you." She placed a simple kiss on my cheek. "Alice and I had a lot of fun today."_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Yeah."_

_Just as the sun was about to disappear completely for the night, I turned towards her. _

"_Bella."_

"_Hmm?" Her focus was on the setting sun and the families milling about in the cold water. When I didn't continue, she turned back towards me realizing I had moved in front of her. "Edward, what the hell?" She laughed. _

_I laughed lightly with her, seeing that I was going to have to spell this out for her. _

"_Isabella Swan," I started. _

"_Holy shit! Holy mother-loving shit!" _

_I couldn't help the laughter that came out as realization hit her. _

"_Oh my god. Oh my god. Holy shit," she said, covering her face. _

"_Bella, please," I said, still laughing. I pulled her hands down and held on to them. "Bella, you are my everything. I have loved you from the moment I saw you visibly critiquing the sandwiches at orientation. You are so smart, smarter than me most of the time." I winked; she rolled her eyes through the tears that had begun forming. "You don't put up with my bullshit, and are one of the funniest people I've ever met. You're my best friend, and I would be the luckiest bastard alive to spend every day of the rest of my life with my best friend."_

"_Damn straight," she said through uneven breaths. _

"_Isabella Swan, please say you'll marry me." _

She never officially said yes, rather her face attacked mine. We kissed until the sky was black, before I pulled back and placed the single carat diamond solitaire on her finger.

I smiled, remembering the engagement bliss we walked through for months. We were so happy, so in love.

I heard Bella snore quietly, and realized she had fallen asleep. I laid my hand back on top of hers, running my thumb over the diamond setting. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly as I kissed the top of her head.

"You will always be my everything - forever my best friend."

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><p><strong>AN - The angst continues. And eesh, poor B and the spinal tap fiasco. *Shudder* **

**MissKingAtYourService did THE most incredible banner for Over The Rainbow. You can find a link to it on my profile. Seriously, go take a look and let me know what you think. I made the mistake of opening the final product while at work...thank goodness no one was around to see my tears! It's absolutely breathtaking.**


	9. Science Of Fear

**A/N - Happy Friday! I am so sorry this has taken so long to get out. Excuses include but are not limited to: writer's block, cold, sinus infection...I hope you're still with me! **

**Thank you to those of you reviewing/alerting/favoriting. Every time the email alarm goes off on my phone my heart stutters and I get a little giddy. You own me.*There is a very important note for all of you at the bottom!*  
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**Major thanks, as always, to my incredible beta tiffanyanne3. If you're looking for new stories - head her way!**

**SM owns it.**

**Song credit - Science Of Fear *Temper Trap***

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

"Bella, Edward? I'd like you to meet Helen Ganske, the best oncologist Seattle has to offer."

Dr. Biers wasn't lying when he said he would be back first thing in the morning. I startled awake, still nestled along Edward's side, when I heard him knock and come in the room. What had started out as a warm, inviting, rather spacious room – complete with sofa bed, flat screen, and the stereotypical hospital flower paintings – had turned into a sterile box seemingly overnight. This was my home for at least the next six weeks.

I turned my focus towards Dr. Ganske, as Edward sat upright along the edge of the bed. She was tall, average weight. Her hair was obviously colored a deep brown with auburn highlights, which she kept in a tight bun at the base of her neck. Her eyes were aged, which brought me comfort. Age equated wisdom, wisdom I hoped in treating this disease.

"It's nice to meet you both," she said, shaking both Edward's and my hands. "I wish it were under different circumstances, of course."

I nodded slightly, unable to look her in the eye. She was giving me the look – the look I dreaded was coming. She was trying hard to mask it, but the pity was there.

"So what's the word, doc?" Edward asked, running his hand through his hair. He was agitated, and I wanted nothing more than to comfort him. But in the last few days, I had completely lost every instinct I had towards my husband. What once would have been a signal to me to wrap my arms around him and kiss his neck before ruffling his perfectly coiffed hair, was no more. I had tried it one night after he came home from a particularly long day and he brushed me off, asking me what I needed, what he could make me for dinner, if I wanted him to run a bath for me. While I appreciated the sentiment, I knew he needed comfort, and he was no longer letting me give him that.

So I sat, my fingers twitching to relax him, waiting for one of the doctors to speak.

"Well," Dr. Ganske spoke first. "As Riley discussed with you last night, our first step is chemotherapy. This will, hopefully, prevent any further cells from growing. You are lucky, Bella, that it appears fairly contained." I heard Edward scoff under his breath. "The chemo should also begin the process of killing the leukemia cells that are present."

I continued nodding to make it appear that I understood everything she was telling us. In all honesty, it was going in one ear and out the other. My brain was entirely consumed with images of chemotherapy treatments I had seen on television shows, movies, and the news. I was terrified of losing my hair – it was Edward's favorite part of me. I loved the nights we had, lying on the couch, him running his fingers through the waves. I was going to be bald, sallow, throwing up all the time (more so than I currently was, I was sure) – I just didn't see how Edward could still be in love with me when I reached that state. And it broke my heart.

"If you're ready and willing, we'll start today. We're going to begin with induction chemotherapy – we'll be running the chemo drugs every day for the next week. The following two to three weeks will be spent recovering – we'll continuously check your blood cells to see how the chemotherapy is working. Depending on how well this initial round goes, we'll likely move on to the next level, which will work to kill any remaining cells."

"Okay," I said, nodding. "Whatever we need to do."

"What about a transplant?" Edward asked from beside me.

"I'm glad you brought that up," Dr. Biers said. "We're going to go ahead and tissue type Bella and begin the process of looking for a match. If the first two rounds of chemo go well, a transplant may not be needed. But, in the event that it is, if we begin searching for a match now, it will save us valuable time."

"When can I be tested?"

"Let's focus on getting chemo started right now, Edward." Dr. Ganske looked towards Riley, almost knowingly. "You'll be the first person we test, Edward, for a match. I promise you that. I will warn you, though; the chances of you being a match are slim. It is more likely we'll find a match amongst a relative."

The room fell silent. I looked at Edward, who was rubbing his knuckles raw. His brow was furrowed, a look that was becoming all too regular on his face. I could see his jaw clenching and unclenching. I turned towards Riley, whose focus was on Edward as well. When I glanced at Helen, she was directing her concern at me.

"So when do we get started?" I asked.

"I just need to put the order in, Bella. The great part of UW is we house the Fred Hutchinson cancer research center." I looked at her, confused. "What that means for you, my dear," she chuckled, sensing my confusion. "Is you are going to receive chemo treatments right here in the privacy of your room."

"Oh. Great." I guessed that was good news. I didn't know that you can really classify anything concerning chemo "good" news.

An hour and a half later I sat in the rickety rocking chair across from Edward. He sat opposite me in the lounge chair, the hospital tray positioned between us, Phase 10 cards laid out across the table. I now had a second IV placed in my other arm. One side continued to force the fluids while the other was now pumping the combination of drugs into my system.

"Ha! I win," I said, smirking.

"Best two out of three?" Edward asked. I agreed, knowing how competitive my husband was and how much he loathed losing.

As he was shuffling the cards, Alice came barreling through the doors.

"Hi, guys!" I was never more thankful for her energy and unwavering happiness. Edward had relaxed some while we sat playing cards, but I didn't miss his glances towards the IV bags and monitors.

"Hey, Al. Want to play a round with us?"

"Please, Bella. You know I still don't understand that game. Actually, Jas is downstairs grabbing some lunch. Edward, you should join him and bring something back for us." She just grinned at him.

He sighed before standing up. "Yes ma'am. Bella, did you want anything?"

"Some ice cream? Will they let me have ice cream?" I asked, curious. I was told I would be on a strict diet over the next three weeks to help lessen the effects of the chemo.

"Ice cream it is," he said, ignoring my inquiry as to whether or not I was actually allowed any.

As he walked away, Alice set her bag down on the sofa and jumped on the bed next to me.

"How's it goin'? Is that the chemo?" she asked, pointing to the needles protruding from my arm.

"Yup," I said, twisting my arm back and forth showing off yet another battle scar.

"Do you feel anything yet?"

This is why I loved Alice – she was nothing if not blunt, never afraid of asking a question. The thought of whether or not it might be offensive never crossed her mind. Being the way Alice would ask such questions, with such genuine curiosity, I didn't think it was possible for anyone to take offense.

"Not yet. This is just the first day, though." I shrugged. "How's my favorite niece?" I asked, wanting to change the conversation.

"Spoiled rotten as always. She's lucky she's so damn cute."

"I miss her." And I did. I was going on two weeks, the longest period of time I'd gone without seeing her since she was born.

"She misses you too, B. I just don't know how she would react to all of this," she said, motioning to the IVs, monitors, and room in general. "I don't want to scare her."

"No, of course. I don't particularly want her to see me like this. I'm not ready to explain to her why I can't get up and play." I knew it wouldn't be good for Aiya to come to the hospital. Hell, I don't know if they would even let her in here. Everyone is on strict hand-washing orders to prevent infections that I was now highly susceptible too. Still, I yearned for a few minutes with my best girl, to forget about everything going on around me. "I just miss her."

Alice gave me a sympathetic, "I know," and rubbed my hand.

We didn't say anything for a few minutes. While Alice scoffed over the menu choices I was given for the next day, I began thinking about the coming weeks and how it would affect Edward.

"Hey, Al?"

"Yeah?"

"I umm, I want you to do something for me."

"Ooooh, like paint your toenails?"

"I'll be incapacitated before I let you paint my toenails." The irony of what I had said was not lost on either of us, both of us growing quiet again. "Al, I want you to promise me that if…when…things go south for me, that Edward is okay."

"Bella, don't talk like you're already giving up. You will beat this. You have to stay positive."

"Alice, I'm not saying I'm not going to fight. But let's be honest, okay? I am going to get very, very sick over the next couple of weeks, and Edward is…" I wasn't sure what Edward was. He had completely closed himself off to me emotionally, and I hated it. Yet, I was afraid to push it. He had enough on his plate – opening his practice, and now a sick wife – I didn't want to put any unnecessary stress on him. I figured he was working through issues in his own way, just as I was.

"I see him slipping away, Al, and this has all only just started. If I…" I had to choke out the next words. "When I go, Alice, make sure he is okay. Please don't let him self-destruct. I want him to find happiness again."

"Bella, what are you saying, exactly? You're going to get through this. Dad assured us only the best are working your case."

I didn't want to say the words. There was no truth behind them. How do you tell someone to force your husband to go out and date again, have a family…with someone else? Jealousy was the only thing I felt, and yet I needed him to know that I would be okay if he did. While the thought of anyone else having my husband left me fuming, the idea of him living the rest of his life alone and unhappy, was even worse. Edward was destined to be a father, and if I couldn't give that to him, someone else needed to. He had so much love to give. I knew I couldn't talk to him about this, not now anyway. He would go ballistic. I didn't know who else to tell right then. Even though Alice was only his relation by marriage, she was inevitably the little sister he never had. Edward adored Alice and would listen to her opinions and not take them lightly no matter how much he disagreed with them.

"I'm saying that he needs…" I was interrupted by the door opening, and Edward and Jasper coming in with arms full of food.

And so the week went - day after day, hour after hour of sitting while pharmaceuticals traveled their way through my blood stream. I was on my final day of this first round of chemotherapy, and the effects were kicking in full force.

The first wave of vomiting happened the fourth night of treatment. I was thankful Edward had stepped out to take a phone call, as I had no desire for him to see me like this. I knew I was being silly; he had been taking care of me the last few weeks, but now that we knew why and that it was going to get worse long before it got better, I wanted to suffer in silence.

I ran (as fast as one can run while dragging an IV pole behind them) to the bathroom, and hunched over the toilet just in time. I heard Edward come back in the room, calling out my name and noticing I was no longer in my bed. Another heave alerted him to my whereabouts.

"Shit, baby, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left."

"Edward, don't be ridiculous," I said as I sat, arm laid across the edge of porcelain and forehead resting on top, trying to recover before another wave hit. "I'm fine."

"Bella, you are not fine," he said, his voice laced with tension as the next round of retching started.

He held my hair back, wiping the sides of my face and neck with a cold washcloth. It felt amazing, the cold against my clammy skin. He helped me stand when I was confident I was finished. He held on to me, one hand wrapped around my back, resting on my waist, the other helping me guide the IV pole back to its home next to my bed. His hand didn't leave my waist as I climbed onto the bed.

"Who knew throwing up was so damn exhausting?" I said, attempting to make him smile.

"Shh. Rest." Clearly, my attempts were futile.

I fell asleep that night to the sounds of Wheel of Fortune and Edward's fingers combing through the knots in my hair, a routine that became familiar.

The heaving and vomiting continued to worsen every day. There were days I would throw up so much I had nothing left to expel, and yet the retching continued. Riley called them dry heaves – I frankly didn't give a fuck what they were called. They were worse than actually puking. My stomach would tighten and squeeze as if it were trying to win an arm wrestling competition. The contracting would move its way up through my chest and seek refuge from my throat over and over and over. The instant gratification and release of pressure that came with expelling stomach contents did not happen; there was no relief. Edward was there by my side through it all, but he was distant. I knew it disgusted him, and I told him more than once he should leave, but he refused, except for the occasional phone call or conversation with the doctors or nurses.

When we made it through the first round of chemo and were simply letting the effects happen as they may, Edward met Rosalie for lunch to fill her in on everything going on. He told me that he felt like she needed to know, and I was surprised to hear he hadn't already told her. I felt horrible knowing she was in the dark that whole time. Edward had been with me at the hospital every single day – that left a lot of work for Rose and with no explanation. He was stoic, as always, when he returned that afternoon, but I could tell the emotional toll it took on him to tell her.

"She's going to take care of everything at the clinic – inform the patients of my absence. I'll go in occasionally for the patients that need more care, but I've referred most to another clinic."

I didn't know what to make of what he was telling me. He was living his dream with opening the clinic, and now he was going to give it all up…for me. Who knew how long I would actually be around; the idea of him giving up on his clinic was ludicrous.

"Edward, that's ridiculous. Your patients need you."

"You need me."

"I'm not saying go back full time and put in twelve hour days, but, Edward, be realistic. You're going to let the clinic slip through your fingers and for what? To sit here at the hospital with me, watching shit television, and playing card games?"

"Bella. I'm not leaving you any more than I absolutely have to. The clinic means nothing to me right now."

"Dammit, Edward. Don't say that. Don't you dare fucking say that." I was losing my cool, but my husband was being an idiot. "You…_we_…worked too hard to get that clinic up and running to just let it go for no reason."

"No reason? Are you kidding me? You're my wife, Bella. You are the most important thing to me, and I will not let you sit in the god forsaken hospital room alone. What happens if no one is here and you can't make it to the bathroom, Bella? What happens when you can't reach the button to call the nurse? What happens if you choke on a piece of food, or fall and hurt something?" His voice was getting louder with each question. So was my anger.

"Fuck you, Edward. I'm not a fucking vegetable yet. I'm not so fucking helpless that I can't get myself to the goddamn bathroom. I'm still Bella. I'm the same fucking Bella I was four weeks ago." I looked away, trying to rein in my anger as the tears fell one after the other.

That was the thing about cancer – people treated you differently the minute they found out, even those closest to you. My father couldn't, or wouldn't, look at me when he visited - he just took perch on the couch while my mother ran around as though I were five years old again, and doing anything and everything she could to "make me comfortable." Esme would attempt to talk with me, but it typically lasted less than fifteen minutes before her emotions would take over and the tears and rounds of "Oh, Bella," "I'm so sorry, sweetie," and "it will work out" began. Carlisle attempted to keep his father mask on, but the doctor in him was too much, and he spent most of his visits looking over the chart and reading the monitor outputs. Jasper, who used to wrap me up in a big bear hug the minute we saw each other, avoided me like the plague, talking to me from across the room as though he was going to catch the leukemia bug. Even Alice, my tiny light of happiness, couldn't keep her emotions in check every minute. Her mask was good and strong, but her fear and sadness clawed their way to the surface occasionally.

My husband, who I thought for sure would insist everyone treat me normal, was probably the worst of them all. He rarely made eye contact with me anymore, and I couldn't remember the last time he'd kissed me on the lips, instead placing chaste kisses on the top of my head or my cheek if I hadn't puked in a few hours. And it fucking hurt. I needed my husband to hold me, to wipe my tears and plead with me to believe him, that everything was going to be okay.

But he didn't. Instead I got anger and dejection thrown at me.

I heard him sigh; I assumed he also ran his hands over his face and through his hair, typical when he was frustrated.

I refused to look at him, still angry that he'd made such an important decision without me, based on a reality that didn't exist…yet. He moved the chair so it was as close to the bed as possible, placing his elbows on the bed. I looked over, watching him take breaths into his hands, which were clasped in front of him.

"Bella, I didn't mean it like that."

"Then what exactly did you mean, Edward?" I had lowered my voice, but the anger was still there.

"Bella, I…baby, I know you aren't helpless. I just need to be here."

"Not at the risk of losing the clinic, Edward! Believe me, I want you here as much as possible. This place is horribly dull, but you need to work. You need to help people that you _can_ help right now. You being here is doing nothing." He blanched microscopically, misinterpreting the meaning of my words. "I don't mean nothing, Edward, I just mean there is nothing you can do but sit here with me. And as much as I love and appreciate you for that, I know you, and I know you are missing your patients."

"I can't leave you, Bella. I just…can't." His voice was ghosting above a whisper.

"Hey," I said, trying to get him to look at me. "Talk to me."

His eyes met mine and he just sat there, looking at me, not speaking. I knew he was afraid - he had to be. I would have been losing my shit if things were reversed and it was him lying in this hospital bed. We hadn't talked about my diagnosis at all since it had been confirmed - everything had happened so quickly - but it was time to lay it all out there.

"Edward, I'm sick. And I'm only getting sicker with each passing day. I may…" I choked out. "I may not make it through this." He broke his gaze with me and looked down, brows furrowed as usual, taking my hand in between his. "You have to continue on with your life."

"Bella," he started.

"Edward, listen to me," I said, squeezing his hand. "I need you to keep living."

I felt something drop on the exposed part of my hand. Another drop, and then another fell before I realized they were Edward's tears. I started to speak again, but Edward clearing his throat stopped me. I assumed he was going to say something, but after sniffing once and wiping at his eyes roughly he stood.

"I'm gonna go grab some coffee, do you need anything?"

He didn't wait long for an answer before heading towards the closed door and exiting, leaving me completely dumbfounded.

Another week passed with the regular rounds of visitors. Even Rosalie had started dropping by to visit. The vomiting was lessening, but still occurring at least once a day. Midway into the second week, I noticed more and more strands of hair on the floor of the shower and in the bristles of my hairbrush. I was thankful it wasn't coming out in clumps, but looking the mirror now was…difficult. My skin was paler, my eyes hung lower, and my hair was now visibly thinner.

I sat in my bed, TV echoing an episode of Dirty Jobs. The minute Mike Rowe stepped down into the sewer, I knew I could no longer watch and keep down my lunch. There was nothing else on so I left it on and turned my attention to my laptop. I was returning an email to a coworker at the library (which had just recently been informed that my time away was going to be significant and the reasons behind my absence), when Dr. Ganske and Dr. Biers came in.

"Are we interrupting?" Dr. Biers asked.

"No, no. Just returning an email," I said, closing the lid and pushing the table aside. "What's up?"

"Is Edward around?"

"He's not actually. He ran to the clinic to work on a patient."

"Ah. Well, we wanted to go over a few things. Would you like to wait until he's back?"

"No," I said, not hesitating to answer. In all honesty, it would be easier to go over things with them without Edward's attitude. I would reverberate what they said when he got back.

"Okay. Well, the first round of chemotherapy didn't go as well as we'd hoped," Dr. Ganske started.

My shoulders slumped.

"I know that's not what you wanted to hear, Bella, and for that, I'm sorry. But we have to move on, and quickly."

"So, we go to stage two then? Like you mentioned?"

"Normally, yes, but this first round didn't kill off as much as I would have liked to have seen. We could run stage two, but it likely won't get everything that is still developing. It's simply too quick."

"So, what then?"

"I'd like to run things a little out of order. Normally we'll run stage two and then look into a bone marrow transplant. In your case, however, I'd like to attempt a transplant first. Once we get your body producing healthy cells again, then we run the stage one chemo again, followed by stage two."

As Helen continued talking about her plan, I suddenly regretted not waiting until Edward was here. Despite the distance he seemed to place and his refusal to talk about it, having him present throughout this still would have been easier than being alone. I didn't want to make this decision by myself.

"We've already tested all of your immediate family and Edward, as well as Alice, Jasper, and Edward's parents for a match."

This piqued my interest. I had forgotten all about the samples they took from everyone in anticipation of a transplant. Surely, out of all those people, someone would be a match. I found myself mildly hopeful.

"No one was a match," Dr. Biers said.

"How…I don't understand. Doesn't family share the same DNA? Surely someone amongst all of them would be enough of a match…"

"They weren't. And yes, Bella, family shares the same DNA, but that doesn't necessarily matter in the case of bone marrow. We have to find marrow that is similar and will produce the same way – there are specific markers we look for and no one had enough matches. Your body would refuse all of them."

I could feel tears forming, but I refused to cry in front of these doctors.

"So I go on a list then? Wait for a stranger to be a match?"

"We will place you on a donor list, yes. We're also reaching out to extended family members through your folks. Family blood lines are our best bet, but we will have you on the list in case a match can be made sooner than we can find one."

I nodded in understanding. Both doctors continued speaking for a few minutes, but I wasn't listening. They didn't want to go on with any more chemo until a transplant had been done. They couldn't do a transplant because they hadn't found a match.

They were giving up. At least, it felt like they were giving up. I was going to sit here, letting this cancer eat away at me, and just waiting.

Waiting for a match or death, whichever came first.

I looked up as I heard the two doctors begin making their way out the door, when Edward came in.

"Riley. Dr. Ganske?"

"We'll let Bella fill you in, Edward. I've got to get up to surgery. We'll be back when we have news, Bella," she said, turning to leave.

"What's going on?" Edward asked. His pace increased as he came to sit alongside the bed.

I explained to him what Dr. Ganske had just told me.

"Dammit!" he yelled. I shied away as he threw a fist down into the bed. "Fuck," he whispered.

We didn't talk the rest of the night. Edward eventually made his way into bed next to me, rubbing his fingers through my thin strands of hair. He would stop every now and then and remove his hand, but seconds later it would be back.

I was awoken the next morning by Dr. Ganske yet again.

"This is starting to become a habit of yours, doc," I said through my yawn.

"Sorry, guys," she chuckled. "But I have good news."

This had Edward's attention.

"Spit it out, doc," Edward said. I backhanded his shoulder, annoyed that his irritation was in full force despite just waking up.

"We found a match." She stood, smiling, as Edward and I looked from her, to each other, and back to her, not believing what she said.

"Who?" I asked.

"Your uncle. Umm…" She flipped a page in the chart. "Mr. McCarty."

"Emmett?" Edward and I asked at the same time.

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><p><strong>AN - Here's the scoop. One of you AMAZING readers, nominated me in the Newbie Author category of the Emerging Swan Awards. I don't know who, but THANK YOU. I may have cried...just a little...again. Please head over to * **_._** * and vote if you're so inclined. Whether it's for me or one of the incredible other authors, take 30 seconds to vote and help bring attention to some amazing fics!**

**I would love to promise the next chapter in under two weeks, but life is about to get a bit chaotic with school/dance starting for my girls and moving. Be sure and put me on alert - if it ends up taking more time than I expect, I will post to let everyone know and maybe throw in a teaser or two. **

**Last but not least - anyone on the East coast - stay safe, my friends! Y'all are in my thoughts with the coming hurricane.**


	10. Times Like These

**A/N - Um, hi. Everyone still with me? I am so, so sorry it has taken another big chunk of time to get out a chapter. Time has not been on my side - life has gotten crazy busy for not only me but for my ridiculously amazing beta tiffanyanne3. Things are settling down now and I promise to send out a bottle of wine to every one of my readers if it takes more than two weeks to get the next chapter out. **

**SM owns it all. **

**Song Credit - Times Like These *Foo Fighters***

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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

"Fucking Christ." Bella's body began to relax as I held her hair wrapped around my hand. She had been throwing up for twenty minutes straight while I sat silently, just trying to keep her hair back and keeping a cold washcloth on her forehead. Any words I could think of to talk her through it seemed so absurd and inappropriate. She wasn't okay, so that was out. Telling her it would pass would bring no comfort; we both knew she would be hunched over the toilet again within the hour.

"I think I'm good," she said. Her eyes were closed, beads of sweat falling over her eyebrows, and her breathing was short as she tried to recover from the heaving. I ran my fingers over her eyebrow, removing the wetness there. I pushed her hair behind her ear and ran my fingers through the rapidly thinning strands.

As I pulled my hand away, I saw the one thing I had been dreading for weeks. Hair. A lot of it, wrapped around my fingers. I stared at the brittle, broken brown lines that lay, lifeless, in my palm. I clenched my fist shut, holding it to my chest. I didn't want to throw them away or flush them down the toilet like a dead goldfish. I wanted them with me forever. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the hairs to be in their rightful place when I opened them again.

"Edward," Bella whispered. My eyes snapped to hers, which were focusing between my hand and my face.

I cleared my throat. "Let's get you back to bed, huh?" I stood while brushing my hand along the side of my pants. Bella didn't need to know how much it hurt to watch her hair thin, how much it stung to be the one to pull it out. I didn't want her to think she was any less beautiful, so I did my best to make it seem as though it was a non-issue.

She looked up at me for a brief second before nodding and placing her hand in mine. I placed my other hand around her to help lift her. It had been two weeks since the chemo ended. Bella now placed most of her weight on me and the nurses while walking. Her strength was diminished to practically nothing. Her skin was pale, sallow; she was colorless. When she did manage a smile, it never reached her eyes. It was as if it physically hurt her to smile. Her eyes had lost the sparkle that pulled me in like a bug to a bug zapper.

Bella's uncle, Emmett, was set to fly in first thing the following week. I knew Bella was excited to see her favorite - and only - uncle. He was Renee's much younger half-brother, born just a couple of years before Bella had been. Bella was shy to admit how much she looked up to Emmett. He lived on the east coast and rarely made his way west. Renee and he weren't close siblings, and given that their parents had passed, there wasn't much pulling him here. We hadn't seen him since our wedding.

I pulled the covers up over Bella's shoulders as her eyes struggled to stay open. She shivered with the warmth the thermal blankets brought.

"I'm going to head downstairs and grab some coffee. Want me to bring you some ice cream?"

She nodded, eyes closed, her lip twitching ever-so-slightly, attempting a smirk.

"Chocolate?"

"Mm," she mumbled.

"You gonna be okay?" I whispered. Something felt…off. Something was drawing me to stay here with her, but I really needed some more caffeine.

She lifted her hand millimeters off the bed, waving me away pathetically. I leaned down and kissed her forehead before leaving.

I made my way down the stark-white hallway, passing by the nurse's station to get to the elevator. I saw Nurse Cope typing up notes at a desk.

"Hey Nurse Cope, would you, uh…"

"I'll keep an eye on her, Edward," she interrupted, glancing up momentarily and giving me a wink.

The woman always knew what we needed, sometimes even before we did. If there were any bright spot in this God-forsaken place (which there wasn't, mind you), it would have been her. She was a saint.

"Thank you," I said, nodding and turning back towards the elevator. I took a deep breath as I waited, thankful to get a bit of a reprieve. I hated myself for it, but I was quickly growing tired of this hospital, the tests, the vomiting, needles, machines...I wanted my life back. I wanted to go back the weeks, hell months now, to the life we were living. We were happy. We had our whole lives ahead of us. Death, despite both of us having lost grandparents and other distant relatives, was a foreign concept. Sure, we knew it was out there but we were young, invincible. Death was not something we had to face for years to come. Cancer was not a word in our vocabulary.

I could feel the heat penetrating my chest, beginning its slow strangle of my heart, when I was saved by doors opening. I inhaled, thankful for its timing, when I noticed who was leaning against the back of the elevator.

"Dad." I sighed, my shoulders slumping. We hadn't spoken more than a few words to each other in passing, and only ever when he came to visit Bella. She didn't know about the argument we'd had, so I was forced to keep up with the pleasantries when he was around.

"Son." He nodded in response.

We rode in silence. I assumed he was getting off when we stopped at the next floor, but he made no move to get off. Seeing as we were the only two in the elevator, I was confused.

"Aren't you getting off?"

"I thought I'd accompany you down to the cafeteria. I could use some more coffee."

"How do you know I was headed to the cafeteria?" I asked, annoyed with his know-it-all assumption.

"The only time you leave Bella is to get something from the cafeteria."

"Hmm," I said. He was right, of course, but I wasn't giving him that satisfaction. I was suffocating in that damn elevator. I could feel his gaze on the back of my head. When we finally reached the basement and the doors opened, I couldn't have gotten out of that box any faster. I began walking as quickly as I could, meagerly hoping to avoid the inevitable conversation my father wanted to have. Again.

I headed straight to the ice cream machine and filled the smallest container they had. Bella's appetite had dwindled to nothing. She was a day or two away from needing yet another IV, this time with nutrients. Not even chocolate ice cream, my one saving grace in every argument we'd ever had, made it past a few bites.

After I covered the container with a lid, I grabbed myself a cup of coffee and went to get in line to pay. I shouldn't have been surprised to find my father was ahead of me in line. He timed that shit perfectly.

I paid the always-friendly cafeteria employee and began my journey back to Bella, praying to any God out there that my father wouldn't push me. Not today.

"Edward."

_Fuck. _

I groaned as I turned around.

"Dad, please. Not now."

He turned around and walked towards the same damn table we had sat at last time we did this. I sighed, resigned knowing I wasn't going to get off that easy, and followed.

"Dad, look. I'm sorry about what I said, ok? I'm sorry I yelled. I know…" I started to sit down.

"Edward," he interrupted. I looked up, meeting his eyes. "Son, what's done is done. You were forgiven before you ever started yelling. I can't even begin to imagine the emotions…"

"Dad, please. Stop. I don't want to do this right now."

"Just let me say what I have to say."

I slouched down in my chair, silently telling him I wasn't going anywhere.

"You have been thrown one of the biggest hurdles one can have placed in front of them. I wish I could tell you everything was going to be okay, that you will get through this – that Bella will get through this. I can't do that, Edward. You were right, I do know the statistics."

He stopped there. I glanced up, hoping he was finished, but saw his head fall and his chest rise and fall with a deep breath.

"Edward, have you and Bella talked at all about what will happen if…?" He trailed off, unable to say what had become a forbidden word amongst everyone.

"Dad," I whispered, pinching the bridge of my nose. "We can't go there. **I** can't go there."

"Edward, you have to. You must face the possibility that you could lose her."

My heart clenched. The hands of pain were twisting and squeezing at the mere thought. I closed my eyes, trying to keep my breathing steady.

"Son, look at me." I felt nauseous, lightheaded. I simply shook my head no. "Do you really want to let Bella go without talking to her? Without expressing your love for her, your fears? Without hearing hers?"

I could feel the tears gathering behind my closed lids. He was right, as always. But I still felt as though talking about such things was a way of admitting and resigning to the truth that Bella would succumb to this evil. I wasn't willing to admit that.

I heard my father sigh, followed by the sound of his chair scraping against the linoleum floor.

"Talk, Edward, before it's too late - if not for yourself, for Bella. She deserves that much."

I sat, unmoving as he walked away. His words kept replaying in my mind.

_Before it's too late._

I was terrified. I had been scared all along, but I had to put on a brave face – for Bella, for our families. I had convinced myself that if I was strong, if I believed that Bella would win this fight, that everything would be fine. I absolutely refused to admit that Bella could…_die_…from this. But in doing so, I had kept everything I felt in, and worse, I hadn't taken my wife's feelings into account in the slightest. I had no idea how she was feeling about everything - other than nauseated, anyway.

As if I had been hit by a lightning bolt, I sprung to my feet, nearly knocking my chair over. I grabbed my empty coffee and Bella's ice cream, now mostly melted, and left. I needed to talk to Bella.

Before it was too late.

The elevator could not have possibly been any slower. I continued pressing the button because, as every sane person knows, pushing the button repeatedly makes the elevator come faster. It finally arrived, and rather than politely waiting for the others to get off, I pushed my way through the crowd and began the incessant button-pushing towards the fourth floor. I groaned and threw my head back against the wall as it crawled to a stop on the second floor to let someone on.

"Hey, Edward." I opened my eyes to the familiar voice.

"Angela." We hadn't seen or heard from my father's nurse since the day of the ultrasound.

"I'm so sorry about Bella. I hope you don't mind – I asked your dad for updates."

"No, Angela." I gave her the best smile I could muster. "We appreciate all that you did."

She nodded just as we reached the fourth floor, and the doors opened.

"This is me," I said, stepping out. "See you around," I called, not looking back but focusing on the door I could see at the end of the hall.

I took a deep breath as I stood outside Bella's door, mustering up as much confidence as I could to get through the conversation that was about to happen. I knocked, pushing the door open.

"Sorry, babe. Ice cream is a bit melted," I started as I rounded the partially drawn privacy curtain.

"Bella?" She wasn't in her bed, nor was she sprawled on the couch or rocking chair. That weird feeling I had earlier was coming back tenfold.

"Bella?" I said, a little louder, making my way towards the bathroom. I heard running water and assumed she was just washing her face.

"Bells?" I knocked.

Silence.

"Babe? You okay?"

Nothing.

"Bella." I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat and knocked again.

I heard nothing but the sound of running water. I swallowed yet another, larger lump as I moved to open the door.

My stomach dropped as I poked my head around the door.

There, lying on the floor next to the toilet, was Bella. Everything stopped – time, sound, emotion.

I was frozen as I took in the entire scene. Bella was on her side next to, but angled away from the toilet. Vomit was everywhere. The smell – I had to hold back my own heaves. Then I saw it.

Blood.

"Fuck! Bella!" I ran to her, snapping out of my stupor. I tried to pick her up but she was dead weight. I noticed the gash above her eyebrow, the source of the blood.

"Oh fuck. Bella, baby, please. Please, Bella, talk to me!"

My worst nightmare was coming true. I was too late. Why the fuck did I leave her? Why the fuck was I such a selfish bastard that my need for fucking caffeine would override the sense of dread I was feeling earlier?

"Oh my God, Bella. Baby, no. No. No baby, please." I whispered through my sobs as I rocked her in my arms. I pushed her hair back, inadvertently feeling the pulse along the side of her neck.

"Oh shit. Bella?" I shook her gently. "Bella, baby, wake up."

It hit me. She was still alive. Barely, but she was alive. "Fuck!" I yelled, setting her back down and running out of the room and towards the nurse station. There sat Nurse Cope, at the same goddamn computer she was sitting at when I left. She was supposed to check on Bella. This was her fault.

"Nurse Cope!" I screamed, garnering her attention right away.

"Edward? What's wrong, honey?"

"You were supposed to check on her!" I yelled, still running towards her. I reached the station and grasped at the ledge, trying to catch my breath. "She passed out, I don't know. There's fucking vomit everywhere. She cut her head. You were supposed to check on her, goddammit!"

I couldn't breathe. My chest was constricting more with every breath. There was vice grip placed around my sternum, and it was being twisted tighter and tighter until eventually, I was sure it would break completely. Blood was pushing, pulsing through my veins; I couldn't get a deep breath.

"Pam, go check on room 416, please. Edward, honey, come. Sit. You look like you're going to pass out."

I didn't have the strength to say no. I couldn't see straight; the whooshing sound in my ears was all I could hear. That was until I heard a bunch of yelling.

I looked up, my vision refocusing on the four or five nurses still on the floor all running in one direction.

Room 416.

Bella's room.

I stood up, swaying slightly, before making my way back. I felt drunk, but I had to get to her. As I entered the room, I was hit with chaos.

Everyone around me was yelling. I should have known all the medical jargon they were speaking, but in the moment, everything I had learned in medical school went out the window. I was merely a useless bystander. Bella's body was covered by two nurses taking her vitals and cleaning off her face. They pulled the hospital gown off her and began wiping her down with washcloths.

I was knocked out of the way by Dr. Ganske, who immediately hovered over Bella.

Bella.

My Bella.

My unconscious, lifeless Bella.

I held my fist to my lips, biting down on my knuckle. I couldn't break down. Not yet. Not here.

"Edward." I felt a hand on my shoulder.

Mrs. Cope.

I wanted to hate her. She was supposed to take care of my Bella while I was gone. She was too wrapped up in whatever she was doing on that fucking computer to check.

I _wanted_ to hate her and yet, in that moment, I couldn't. As soon as her hand touched my shoulder, I craved the comfort she was offering. I was here…alone. I couldn't do this. I was not strong enough for this.

I coughed, setting off a deadly wave of sobs as Mrs. Cope pulled me out into the hallway.

She led me to the nurses' break room, pulling me into a hug as soon as the door was shut.

"Edward, honey, I'm so sorry."

I couldn't say anything. I stood, crying into the shoulder of a woman I barely knew.

"I did check on her, and she was fine. Fast asleep."

"Then what the fuck happened?" I whispered.

"It looks like she went to the bathroom alone, likely feeling nauseous. My best educated guess based on what I saw – she went to wash her face and blacked out. When she fell, she hit her head on the toilet."

"Oh my God." I groaned, stepping away from Nurse Cope and beginning a frantic pace of the room. "I shouldn't have left. Fuck!"

"Edward, honey, you can't stay in there forever. I hate to say this, but we see this happen almost daily on this floor."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" I spat.

"No, honey. Dr. Ganske is with her now. Take a few minutes, calm down, and then get back to your wife, ok? You're no good to her like this."

"Yeah," I nodded.

She patted my shoulder as she walked out of the small room. I continued pacing the room, my mind unable to focus on any one thing. Flashes of how I found Bella, lifeless on the floor…all the things I needed to tell her…thoughts of how happy we were…thoughts of a life without her...

I needed to call her parents. Call Alice, Rosalie.

"Fuck!" I yelled to no one, pulling at my hair. I couldn't focus on all of that right now. I simply needed to get back to Bella. I needed to make sure she was okay.

I turned the faucet in the sink on, washing away the tears and snot. I pushed on my eyes with the heels of my hands, reining in the tears that were waiting to be shed. I took a deep breath, collecting myself before pushing open the door.

The walk back to the room was like one of those slow motion movie scenes – I was walking incredibly slowly, but everything around me was moving in triple-time. A few of the nurses were now back in the hall, checking on other patients as if nothing had happened. As I got closer, Dr. Ganske stepped out, wiping her brow with the back of her arm.

"Dr. Ganske." My voice was rough, clouded.

"Edward." She took a deep breath, clearly hoping she could have avoided this.

"Is she okay?"

"She's okay. She's awake, but groggy."

"What the hell happened, Dr. Ganske?"

"She had a seizure, Edward."

My eyes snapped from the door behind her.

"A seizure? What? How?"

"It's not entirely uncommon with chemo patients, Edward. Her body is fighting hard. Sometimes, it's too much and the body's natural response to help itself is to seize."

"What about her head?"

"She hit it hard. I've stitched her up, but I'd like to get a CT scan to check for a concussion."

"Now?" I asked, bewildered.

"I think we're safe to wait until tomorrow, if you'd rather. It's late, I know, and I don't think she's in any immediate danger."

"Yeah, okay. Tomorrow."

Dr. Ganske patted me on the shoulder before making her exit.

_What the fuck is with people in this hospital and patting people on the shoulder?_

I shook my head, refocusing on my life behind the door in front of me. I didn't know if I was ready to see her, but I knew I needed to. The conversation we needed to have was put on the back burner, but I was resolved to making sure Bella knew, through actions just as much as words, that I was there, no matter what.

Just as I was about to push the door open, I heard the elevator doors open and instinctively turned.

"Emmett?"

Bella's six-foot-five, dimpled uncle was now walking towards me.

"Edward, good to see ya, my man. Wish it were under better circumstances, of course." He pulled me into one of those one-arm-over-the-shoulder man-hugs. "You look like shit, man."

I let out an almost hysteric snort.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked him.

"My Belly-bean needs my help, right? So, here I am!"

Shit, Bella.

"Em, uhm, I'm not sure how to tell you this."

"Oh shit. Dude, I swear to God if you tell me I'm too late…"

"No, no." I cut him off. "No, she's fine. Well, she's fine now. She had a seizure about an hour ago."

"What?"

He didn't wait for me to respond before he pushed his way into Bella's room, our room.

"Bells?" I heard him ask as he walked in.

I was a bit annoyed at his abrupt entrance but followed him nonetheless.

He walked over to the side of her bed, pulling the rocking chair up next to the bed and grabbing her left hand.

"Belly-bean, it's Em." He sat, rubbing her knuckles, whispering things to her in futile attempts to get her to wake up.

I stood in the corner of the room - the smell of bleach wafting from the bathroom stinging my nostrils -watching his affection towards her.

I should have been happy he was here, someone else who loved Bella. I knew she'd be ecstatic to see him.

But I wasn't happy. No, all I felt was anger - anger and resentment.

It should have been _my_ hands holding hers, _my_ voice whispering to her.

Emmett was in _my_ place beside _my_ wife.

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><p><strong>AN - Thank you again if you have sent in a review, or put this story on alert/favorite. Getting an email with a new reader makes my day on so many levels!**


	11. Possibility

**A/N - Huge, massive apologies to those of you that have been waiting for an update. Even when life hands me a little bit of free time to sit down and write, I've found it increasingly difficult to write these chapters. As I stated at the beginning, this story was supposed to be a sort of catharsis, but instead it is leaning more towards bringing up a lot of old memories that I now realize I suppressed for a reason. I assure you I will finish though and that the story behind the fic will be told at the end. **

**Thank you, thank you, thank you to those that are still here with me and who have taken the time to review. I failed epically at responding this last go round, but trust that your words meant the world and put a smile on my face when I needed it most. **

**Again, I must reiterate before you read this chapter that I am in no way an expert and do not claim to know every last detail of this route of treatment. For the sake of fiction everywhere, go with it. **

***Updated with beta'd version. Massive thanks go out to Tiffanyanne3 and **dreamergirl87** for all the work they did on this chapter. And thanks to those of you that reviewed already for not hounding me on all the errors I had made!  
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**Song Credit - Possibility *Lykke Li***

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

"You're such a cheater!"

"Oh, don't be such a sore loser. Do enlighten me, little one, on how it is possible to cheat in a game where all you do is draw cards."

"Hmph. I don't know how you're doing it, Emmett McCarty, but you're cheating. No one goes out every single round."

Jasper and I laughed as we listened to Alice and Em bicker back and forth. We had been playing Phase 10 all morning; Alice was determined to beat Emmett at least once.

It was so nice having Em around. He was only a couple of years older than me, and despite seeing very little of each other growing up, he's always been like my big brother. He's a brute – tall, broad shoulders, muscles stretching out every shirt he owns, typical ex-football player style – but he's protective and not an ounce of negativity runs through his veins.

He was the streak of sun breaking through the dark, ominous, permanent clouds that were the hospital, the doctors…Edward. He was more distant than ever after the seizure. He was here physically, until I would force him away, but emotionally - I had lost him. His tone was clipped, angry. It was as though he was merely here out of obligation.

And I was starting to resent him for it.

I didn't want pity from anyone, least of all my husband, but I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted him to lie in this dismal hospital bed and watch shit television with me. I wanted him to read to me, since my blurring vision no longer allowed me to do so. I wanted him to insert ill-timed and inappropriate jokes into tense conversations with the doctors to lighten the mood.

I missed my husband. I resented my husband. I hated myself for resenting him.

Emmett's arrival couldn't have come at a more perfect time. He brought optimism and a smile back to my face. It felt foreign and…wrong…the first time I laughed. He had walked into my room that night, the nurses still typing away on their computers and machines after the doctors had explained what happened.

"Have no fear, Emmett is here," he shouted as he walked around the curtain. "Jesus, Bells, you couldn't wait until I got here to put on this little show? I'm hurt."

"Hey, Em." My voice was hoarse; I was still dizzy and completely off my rocker on the meds they'd given me.

"Hey there, niece of mine. You look like shit." I had just stared at him for a minute before I burst out laughing.

It hurt, made the dizziness even worse and caused a wave of dry-heaves to hit, but it felt **_good._**

I sat back against my pillow while Alice collected the cards and began shuffling. We had raised the bed as much as it would go, and Alice sat at my feet with the tray table next to us. Emmett and Jasper pulled up chairs and sat at the opposing corners of the table.

"Hey, wake up," Emmett said, pinching my leg. "Nap time doesn't start for another thirty minutes."

"Kiss my ass, Em," I said, flipping him off.

"So, when does this transplant business happen?" Jasper asked from his corner.

"They've already got me pill-popping to get my…whatever it is…ready to go," Emmett answered, gesturing up and down his body.

"Marrow, Em." I chuckled.

"What she said. So I keep taking these pills, Bells here does another week of chemo, and then we're off to the races."

"More chemo?" Alice asks me, concerned. I don't miss her quick glance at my head, which has thinned out even more over the last couple of days. You could see through to the scalp in places.

"Just a week's worth. Something about getting my immune system to its weakest point makes it easier for the transplanted cells to start building a new one." I shrug. It was all complete medical bullshit to me, I just went where they wanted me to at that point.

"Then what?" Jasper's inquisitive mind was never-ending. He'd been fascinated through the entire process – how the diagnosis was made, how the chemo works, why my hair fell out, why they did this, why they did that.

"Then B and I get to shack up for a few hours while they jam the big needle into my hip and then into her."

I rolled my eyes at Emmett's description of the process and how unaffected he seemed by it all.

"Wow. And how long until they know if it works?" Jasper looked to me this time.

"Two to four weeks. They'll keep checking my white counts. If it starts going up, it's working. If it doesn't…"

"Aah, it'll work just fine. Look at me! How could it not? In fact, I bet it starts working almost instantly. I always was big for my age – maybe my genes are like that movie _Jack_ so they grow at an exponential rate."

"Wow, big word Emmett," I teased.

"Yep. And I didn't even go to college," he said proudly.

We all laughed as Emmett continued to spout off words he'd picked up over the years at his job as a prison security guard. Some of those criminals were pretty damn intelligent. He was in the middle of a story about the day he and an inmate got into an argument over which one of them created the word "ginormous" when we heard someone clear their throat.

"Am I interrupting?" Edward asked, sounding irritated, from the corner of the room. His eyes were dark and puffy, black circles beginning to form underneath. I was worried about him.

"Of course not," I said as cheerily as possible.

"Hey man, wanna join in? We can start this round over," Emmett offered.

"No, no. Don't start over for me. I'm good."

"Come on, bro. There's plenty of room," Jasper said, scooting his chair closer to the bed.

"I'm good," Edward said, plopping down on the couch with a sigh.

The rest of the game was played in relative silence, with only the occasional jab between Alice and Emmett. Everyone became tense when Edward was around, another reason I forced him back to work more often. It was nice to pretend things were okay, to be happy for those few hours when it was just Emmett and me. Edward came around, and it was like the little black rain cloud that followed you wherever you went, no matter what you did to lose it.

The week went by in much the same fashion. Edward went to work at the clinic for a few hours each day while Emmett and I did whatever we could to pass the time. The occasional visitor would stop by – Esme would sneak in contraband snacks and teas for us, Carlisle always with words of encouragement after reading my chart, Alice and Jasper came as often as they could. They still hadn't brought Aiya around, which broke my heart, but I understood. The last thing I wanted to do was scare my girl. My hospital room was now decorated floor to ceiling with cards from my library kids. Get well wishes and "we miss you" scribbled in toddler handwriting replaced the drab white walls. I kept a picture they had sent along showing all of the kids together with the cards they'd made. I missed them terribly. When I thought of never being able to work with them again, to hear their little voices mimic mine during stories, the pain was all-consuming.

"So they're doing the transplant tomorrow."

"Yeah, that's what Dad said."

"Will you be here?"

"Do you want me to be?"

That was a loaded question. Did I want Edward, my husband, here while I underwent the procedure that could save my life? I picked at my nail beds as I thought it over. I should want him here. The doctors had explained what was going to happen, and I knew it would be a difficult few hours. Given that, any wife would want her husband by her side, holding her hand, wiping away her tears.

But if I was honest with myself, I really had no desire to have him there.

I didn't want or need his negativity through it. I needed love, support, neither of which I was receiving from him at the moment.

But he was my husband, he should be there.

"Bella?"

I looked up at him, still not sure what my answer should be.

"It's up to you," I said quietly, still picking at the raw skin on my fingers.

"I've got a new patient coming in first thing in the morning, so I guess it depends on him. Sounds like he's in pretty rough shape, so it may take some time."

"Yeah, okay, of course. Do what you need to do."

"Let's do this!" Emmett shouted as they wheeled us through the double doors and into the sterile procedure room. It was a now-familiar room, almost comforting.

Emmett jumped out of the wheelchair and onto the bed as they wheeled my bed up next to him. We were both quickly surrounded by nurses prepping us. It wasn't long before both Dr. Ganske and Dr. Biers came waltzing in. The déjà vu I felt was intense.

"What up, doc?" Emmett said, shaking hands with Riley. He gave his standard nod and smirk to Dr. Ganske. Age difference and marital status clearly meant little to my dear uncle.

"Alright, guys, here's what's going to happen. We're going to hook Emmett here up to this monster of a machine. It's going to take your blood, Emmett, separate the stem cells, and then pump the blood back into you. We're giving you some anti-nausea meds to prevent any queasiness, but you'll probably feel pretty light-headed for a while - thus the bed. As you both know, it's not typical that we let you both be together through all of this. But thanks to your connections…" Riley looked to me, smirking, "…we're doing this in one take. So while Emmett is donating, Bella, we'll get you prepped with a central line and ready for the transplant."

It had been four months since I was first diagnosed, and I was still blown away at how nonchalantly these doctors discussed treatments and procedures. They made something so pivotal, so intricate and detail-oriented, sound as simple as making toast.

"Alright! Let's get the show on the road," Emmett bellowed from his bed next to me. Riley smiled before patting Emmett on the shoulder. As he and the rest of the team scattered, the weight of what was happening began to hit me.

"Bells," Emmett said quietly. "Look at me, baby girl."

I took a deep breath, willing the tears to stay back.

"It's gonna be okay," he said, reaching for my hand. I placed mine is his, and he squeezed tightly. This was the soft side of Emmett, the side reserved strictly for me.

"I need him, Em," I whispered, the flood-gates cracking.

"Then why did you tell him to go to work?"

"Because it needs to be his choice. I need him to _want _to be here, not be here out of necessity."

"Bella? I love you, but you are a goddamn idiot."

"What?" I asked, angrily.

"You and Edward have always been the fairy tale. Nothing negative ever came your way, so you two have never had the need to really talk things out. You've been dealt a hell of a shitty hand, and you and Edward are folding faster than a rookie poker player."

The tears started falling somewhere around fairytale and nothing negative ever happening. He was right. I hated him for it, but he was right. Edward and I never needed to talk about things; we'd just always known what the other was thinking.

We didn't say anything more to each other, but Emmett's hand stayed firmly wrapped around mine.

Getting the central line put in didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would have, considering they put a thousand inch needle around my clavicle. Emmett laughed and made fun of me when I saw the needle they were going to use. Again, after four months you'd think I'd be used to that shit.

Eventually, Emmett's part was finished. He insisted on staying with me for the remainder of the transplant. Thankfully, they had a television in the room. I was actually able to smile as I watched Emmett scream and shout at the football game he was invested in.

"Em, you're scaring the nurses."

"Did you SEE that play, Bells? RIDICULOUS." He huffed. My teddy bear uncle actually huffed in frustration.

"Isn't this preseason, anyway? What does it matter?"

"Bella, Bella, Bella," he said, shaking his head. "It matters, baby girl. It so matters."

I shrugged and went back to staring at the ceiling.

I wanted Edward here. I needed him here. I wanted his company, his shitty jokes, and his strong hands running through my hair. I needed his strength, something we had lost weeks ago. I needed to see him smile, to smirk, to _laugh_. This disease was killing me physically, yes, but I could deal with it. I couldn't deal with losing my husband. The physical pain the thought of losing him brought was crippling compared to the pain of actually dying.

"Alright, kids. We're all done!" Dr. Biers said cheerfully.

"Thank Christ. I'm hungry," Emmett replied.

The next few weeks were much the same. People came and went while I spent hour after hour confined to a bed and watching TV. I had managed to work through the entire _Sex and the City_ series, as well as the movies, and I was now well-versed in ghost hunting.

Every couple of days more blood was drawn, but I was never given any word on what the results were. My hair was completely gone now. I was bald as a baby, save for a few strays here and there that managed to survive. I was embarrassed, repulsed even, by the way I looked. My attitude had taken a serious dip south. Edward didn't help matters, as he was gone more now than ever. I saw him for maybe an hour each night. My irrational side was screaming at me that it was because my hair was gone, and I not only repulsed myself, but him as well.

One day while Alice was visiting, she sat at the end of my bed with my feet in her lap and insisted on giving me a pedicure.

"I was thinking," she said, trying her damnedest to not be thoroughly repulsed by my feet.

"Did it hurt?"

"Ha ha, Bella. You're hilarious. Do you want to hear my idea or not?"

"Shoot."

"I was _thinking _maybe I could bring Aiya up tomorrow."

I was stunned. I completely understood the reasoning behind keeping Aiya away; even I didn't particularly like the idea of her seeing me like this. Still, it hurt not being able to take her to the park, to spoil her with ice cream, to hold her and read books together.

"Al, are you sure? I mean, I get it. She shouldn't…"

"You're looking good, Bella. And we've been talking with her a lot about what's happening. She's not old enough to fully comprehend, but she knows you're sick and the doctors are helping you. She misses you."

"I miss her, too," I said in a whisper. "But won't she be scared that I'm, ya know," I said, pointing to my head.

"Ah, yes. That, my dearest sister-in-law, is why I bought you this." Alice replaced the lid to the nail polish she had been using and reached down beside the bed. When she reemerged, she had a silver-wrapped box in her hands.

"Alice, I'm not wearing a wig. I hate being bald, but wearing a wig just…no. Not happening."

"Just open it, Bella."

I lifted the lid and hesitated before peeling back the layers of tissue paper. I inhaled audibly at what I saw.

"Alice…"

"It's silk. I found this great online company that makes the most gorgeous scarves specifically for women with hair loss."

"Alice it's…it's perfect," I choked out. The scarf was so insanely soft and slick and absolutely perfect. It was off-white with a retro black, pink, and charcoal geometric design. It was breathtaking.

"Want me to help you put it on?" she asked, enthusiasm leaking out her pores.

I couldn't help but be equally as excited. There's something to be said for feeling pretty. It's not vanity when it gives you confidence and the ability to focus on things other than how horrid you look and the sympathetic looks you get from everyone around you because they know now that you do, in fact, have cancer.

As Alice slipped the silk wrap over my scalp, I couldn't help but close my eyes and relish its soft coolness.

"There we go!" she said, tightening the final knot. "Take a look."

I took the mirror from Alice's hand and held it in front of me, eyes still closed. I couldn't help the smile that formed when I finally opened my right eye to peak at my reflection.

"Thank you, Al. I absolutely love it. As always, you are amazing."

Rather than just say I was welcome, Alice jumped and clapped while emitting that high-pitched giddy squeal thing she did.

The next day was the day – my Aiya was coming to see me. I slept maybe an hour that night and while that wasn't unusual for me anymore, this time it was due to excitement. Esme would be there as well, just in case Aiya didn't handle things well.

I was terrified of her reaction.

As Esme was helping me with the scarf, there was a gentle knock on the door.

"Knock, knock," Alice said from behind the curtain.

"Come on in," I replied, looking excitedly into Esme's equally eager eyes. I sat up as straight as I could, hoping to look as normal and un-scary as possible.

"Go ahead, Aiya," Alice nudged.

My heart rate picked up exponentially as I heard her little feet come in contact with the linoleum. Seconds later I saw her little blond, curly head peak around the corner. She looked so nervous.

"Hey there, lady bug," I said quietly, smiling the biggest smile I could muster.

Her eyes took everything in for a few horribly long seconds. My heart began breaking yet again. Just as I was about to give up and tell Alice to take her, I saw the mischievous little spark in her eye light up.

"Auntie Bewwa!" she shouted before running towards me at full speed.

A chorus of, "Oh, Aiya," and "be careful, gentle," rung out, but I didn't care. I opened my arms wide and welcomed that precious little body into my arms.

"Hello, my sweet, sweet girl," I said, planting kiss after kiss on her head and letting the tears fall freely. God I'd missed her, more than I even I realized until that very moment.

"Auntie Bewwa, why you crying? Is it cause you sick?"

"No, no, little lady. I'm just so happy to see you. These are happy tears."

"Oh. Well, I brought you a present!"

"You did?" I asked with enthusiasm.

"Uh huh. Wanna see it?"

"Of course."

"MOMMY! BRING AUNTIE BEWWA'S PRESENT!"

"Shhh, Aiya. Inside voice, remember?" Alice asked, coming around the curtain. Apparently, everyone had gone out in the hall after seeing that Aiya would be okay. "What is the polite way to ask?"

"Mommy, can you bring Auntie Bewwa's present, please?" she asked, exaggerating her whisper.

"Much better. Here you go."

"Thanks! Here, Auntie Bewwa. Open it!"

She handed me yet another box, this time wrapped in princess wrapping paper.

"Did you pick out the paper?" I asked her.

"Uh huh!" she said proudly.

I smiled, tearing open the sides and removing the box. The tears returned when I saw the little black and red ladybug sitting on a bed of tissue paper.

"It's my wadybug! The one you gaved me on my birthday!"

"Aiya, I love it, but are you sure you want to give this to me? This was for you to sleep with at night when we couldn't have sleepovers."

"I know. But I not scared anymore and Mommy said you're sick and have to stay in the hospital so we can't have sleepovers for a long time so I said you should have my wadybug so you won't miss me."

"Oh, my ladybug," I said, wiping away the tears. "This is the best present I've ever gotten."

She looked up at me, million-watt smile in place, and wrapped her arms around my neck. I squeezed her back, letting her snuggle into my neck. We stayed that way for a few minutes before she got restless and wanted me to read book after book to her.

I happily obliged.

I was feeling better than I had in months. Aiya's visit was exactly what I needed. Things between Edward and me still weren't where I wanted them, but I couldn't find it in myself to worry about them at the time – I was simply reveling in the high that a three-year-old gave me.

It was a Friday night, about three weeks after the transplant had occurred. Edward had come with his laptop and was working away in the chair next to me while Emmett was watching yet another football game.

"Don't you ever get tired of watching game after game after game?" I asked him.

"Don't you get tired of reading the same book time after time after time?"

"Touché."

Our conversation was cut short by a knock at the door. I couldn't explain it but a very bad vibe echoed through the room with that knock.

"Hey, Riley. Little late for you to still be here, isn't it?" Emmett asked.

"Long day," he said bleakly.

"What's up?" I asked, just as Dr. Ganske and Carlisle walked in. As soon as he saw his father, Edward closed his laptop and came to sit next to me on the bed.

"I'm afraid we have bad news," Dr. Ganske said.

"What sort of bad news?" Emmett asked. I was irritated and thankful for his question at the same time.

"As you know, Bella, we've been checking your blood cell counts almost daily to watch for an increase."

"Yeah, but no one ever told me what the levels were." I looked into each of their eyes and then to Edward, who was staring intently at his father. I swallowed thickly.

"I'm so sorry, Bella, but the transplant failed. Your white counts never increased. In fact, they've begun going down again."

"What?" Emmett screamed. "What the hell, doc? You said this would work!"

"I said it was our best option, Emmett. Nothing is guaranteed in the world of cancer."

Emmett continued to curse and berate the doctors while I sat in stunned silence.

It didn't work.

My best option failed.

I wasn't going to survive this.

I was going to die.

I have no idea what took place in the minutes following the word _failed_. Eventually, I felt Edward nudge my arm.

"Bella?"

I looked up at him, eyes heavy and swollen with unshed tears. Confusion, fear, anger, heartbreak, panic…it was all there on my face and being reflected back at me on Edward's.

"Bella…" he whispered, taking my hand.

He lowered himself down so that he was lying next to me. Instinct took over and before I knew what was happening, I was wrapped up in his arms and sobbing.

I wasn't ready to die.

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><p><strong>AN - Game they are playing at the beginning of the chapter was Phase 10. Highly addicting game that has been a holiday staple for the last five years. If you're curious about the scarf Alice buys, you can see it at www [dot] 4women [dot] com / fabrics / silk / 1# (As always, remember to replace [dot] and remove spaces.) The scarf I pictured is the Debo-nair. Beautiful.  
><strong>


	12. Cold

**A/N - Ahem. Anyone still with me? I have no excuses except life happens. **

**Reposted with Tiffanyanne3's amazing beta work. I pretty much keep my finger on the comma key. She's going to get the most expensive bottle of wine I can find when this story finishes.**

**SM owns.**

**Song Credit - Cold *Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz* (This song came on as I was writing this chapter and it fit *perfectly*. I may or may not have snotsobbed on myself.) **

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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

I had no idea how long Bella and I lay there, her silent cries and me simply going through the motions of trying to comfort her without thought. The shoulder that held her now bald head had gone numb hours ago, but I couldn't move. Bella's tears had eventually slowed and exhaustion took over, but the fear of waking her wasn't the reason I lay motionless. My body was in shock – my mind slowly processing the notion that time with my wife was quickly running out, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. My fingers refused to loosen their grip – I felt as though I could protect her as long as were in my arms.. Logically I knew this wasn't the case, but in that moment all rational thought had followed the doctors out of the room.

"Edward?"

I turned my head towards the voice behind me. I should have been startled that I hadn't heard anyone knock or come in the room, but I wasn't. My soul was only focused on the frail, breakable woman that was my world lying in my arms.

I eventually found focus in my father's eyes, sighed, and rolled back over. I knew what he wanted and had no desire to see or speak with him. I just wanted to be alone with my wife, to inhale her scent that, despite everything, maintained the sweet, cupcake-like essence. Bella hadn't worn her own clothes in weeks, was surrounded by antiseptic and antibacterial, but her soul just emitted its own scent.

"Edward, I…"

"Don't, Dad. Not now," I whispered, holding onto Bella a little tighter.

"Edward, please."

"Leave us be. Please, Dad. Just…go." My voice was barely audible – I simply could not find the strength to do anything but hold Bella close to me.

I heard him walk away and closed my eyes, focusing on the sound of Bella's breathing.

I awoke later to the feel of Bella's fingertips ghosting along my hand, which was still gripping her arm. Consciousness soon hit me, and I realized she too was awake.

"Hey, baby," I whispered, sitting up some and pulling her into a more comfortable position. "How's that?"

"Good. Thank you." Her voice was thick with sleep, unshed tears…fear. "Edward?"

"Shhh, Bella. Go back to sleep," I said, running my fingers over her scalp.

"I want to go home."

_What? _She couldn't be serious. They couldn't treat her from home. Even if I brought in the best home nurses there were in the state of Washington, which I would, it would simply be hospice care. There would be no more treatments…she couldn't be…no. My Bella would never give up that easily…

"What?"

"I want to go home. I don't want to…_die_…here. I want to go home."

"Bella. Baby…"

She was giving up.

"Please, Edward," she begged. "I'm tired. I'm tired of…of fighting. I'm just so tired…"

Tears began to fall again, though less urgent than before. These were tears of resignation.

I didn't want this. I didn't understand why she was giving up. Why was she okay with leaving me? Then again, if - and that was a big fucking if - we couldn't save her, how could I deny her anything? I would give her the world if that's what it took to keep her with me longer. I was being torn into a million pieces all over again, and the emotions I had held back so well for so long were breaching.

I sat up and turned my body around so that I could face her. The leg that now hung over the bed was beginning to tremor. I took her hand in mine, running my thumb over the bones that now lay perfectly outlined by her almost translucent skin.

"Bella," I whispered. "You can't give up. You have to keep fighting."

She took my cheek in her palm and pulled my face up to look her in the eye.

"I can't fight anymore, Edward. I had a dream of my life after this and…" She took a deep breath. "…it was beautiful – so warm." The corner of her mouth rose a bit. "Gran was there. And I was able to watch you, be with you when you needed me."

"But you won't be here, Bella," I said, agitated. "You won't be _here_, where I need you. Dammit, Bella! No. We have to seek out other options, new treatments. I'm sure there are studies…"

"Edward," she whispered, again pulling my eyes to hers.

I stared at her, seeing the resignation in her eyes. She was ready. But I wasn't. As I watched her watch me, I broke.

I wasn't ready.

I needed her.

She was giving up.

A single tear fell, and as she wiped it away, I collapsed into her.

"Bella," I sobbed. "God, Bella. I can't…" My words were muffled as my heart and soul were expelled in little droplets. My body felt like it was convulsing as I cried and begged her not to leave me.

Two days later, I sat helplessly on the couch of what had become our home within the hospital walls. Everyone was there – Charlie, Renee, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, my mom – helping collect all the cards, flowers, and stuffed animals that had accumulated over the weeks. I watched through hooded eyes as Dr. Biers helped Bella out of the bed and into a wheelchair. It was the first moment I had really taken inventory on how much this evil had taken from my agile, buoyant, energetic wife.

Her head was covered with yet another silk wrap courtesy of my sister, but I spent hours memorizing the contours of her skull, running my fingertips over the peach fuzz that remained. You could see each intricate little vein and see her pulse, a pulse that had continually grown weaker. The once choker-like beaded necklace Aya had made for her now hung loose against Bella's collarbone, which protruded out of her neck.

Every bone in her body protruded now.

Have you ever seen those documentaries on anorexia and the skeleton figures they become? That was my wife now – a living skeleton. Her eyes were sunken and bloodshot, the skin on her face seemed to just hang there, her lips were cracked and dry, her nails yellowed. It took most of her strength to get herself a drink of water. A trip to the bathroom resulted in an afternoon-long nap.

Yet she was still my beautiful, perfect Bella.

"All set?" I heard Charlie ask.

"Yeah, Dad," Bella said. Turning to me, she asked, "Ready to go home?"

I fought back the anger I truly felt. I did not want this – I was not okay with this. I was not ready to accept defeat and let this thing win.

Deep down, I knew she was right. But if she were home, we officially marked it the end.

The end of Bella…

The end of my wife…

The end of my life…

And if this were the end, I didn't want to taint our world with these images. We built our life in our home, and it was full of happy memories. I wanted to keep it that way. Going home and watching my world end – I wasn't sure how I'd ever be able to step foot inside it again.

I wouldn't.

I would have to sell it. Better yet, I would have it demolished so that no lingering piece of this would remain.

As everyone shuffled out of the room in what could only be described as a funeral march, Dr. Ganske stopped me.

"Edward, may I speak with you a moment?" I nodded. "I've set Bella up with the best home hospice nurse I know. He'll take good care of her. And you."

"He?"

She snickered. Was this bitch serious? Did I look like I was in the mood for sarcasm?

"Yes, he. His name is Jacob. He'll be meeting you guys at the house to help get everything set up."

I could only nod. This was ludicrous – I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that they were letting, _encouraging_ Bella to go back home.

"I also want you and Bella to go over this trial information. I've already spoken to Bella about it some but I'd like you to go over it as well."

"What trial?"

"Bella didn't mention it?" I shook my head no. Dr. Ganske seemed to ponder whether to continue before taking a deep breath. "A new experimental treatment for AML. It is being conducted by a colleague of mine in California. They are just starting to look for patients, and I think it could highly benefit Bella."

"Benefit how?"

"Well, you'll read more detail in the information I gave you, but essentially they are testing a new route of treatment using a certain set of chemo drugs while going through a transplant. The hope is that the combination of drugs and radiation treatment will halt the growth of the bad cells and allow the clean, healthy cells of the donor to take over."

I began to feel tingles in my toes. Was she saying…?

"A cure?"

"Don't twist my words or get false hope, Edward."

_Fuck._

"I didn't say cure. It is a trial, so it's possible it will not work. That said, I've seen some of the results, and they are promising."

I nodded, my heart rate increasing. There was still hope. But why hadn't Bella said anything yet?

"Thank you, Dr. Ganske. For everything."

"It is always my pleasure. Please call me if you have any questions. I'm always around."

As we neared the house, I noticed a yellow sports car along the edge of our street. Perched on the side, one foot raised and resting on the door, was a tall, lean, dark-skinned man. He was dressed in scrubs, and a pair of aviator glasses sat on his face. I eyed him as we pulled into the driveway, annoyed at who I presumed it to be.

He was at Bella's door before I had put the car in park.

"Hi, I'm Jacob," he said, smiling down at my wife and chomping on his gum in a _really_ obnoxious manner.

"You're a nurse?" Bella giggled, taking his proffered hand.

"The best there is." He helped Bella out of the car while I sat, stunned.

"Hi, I'm Edward. Her husband," I said to no one, pulling the keys out of the ignition. I surmised in the two minutes I had known him that this guy was a pretentious dick.

A pretentious dick that would be taking care of my wife.

_Awesome. _

As everyone started filing past me and into the house, I collected myself and joined them. The rest of the day was a blur as Jacob, Alice, and our mothers moved everything around to make it more comfortable and accessible for Bella.

Over the course of the next week, Jacob was a constant presence, always there to get Bella whatever she needed. He monitored her pain meds and rubbed her muscles when she was sore. He helped her to the bathroom and made her his special "Jake Juice," whatever the hell that was. I supposed I should be grateful, but I found myself more annoyed than anything. He even did our damn dishes.

I drew the line at him helping Bella shower. Of course, he was right there at the door as soon as we were done to help her back into bed.

As I made my way down the stairs one afternoon, not able to watch him do the things I should be doing and making her giggle, he called out to me.

"Edward, wait."

I ignored him and continued down the stairs and into the living room, hoping to numb my mind with a little ESPN.

"Hey, man. Can we chat for a minute?" Clearly, he didn't get the hint.

I motioned for him to sit, keeping my eyes trained on the ticker.

"How are you doing?"

I turned to him, wide-eyed, trying to figure out if he was seriously going down that road.

"You seem pretty distant."

I scoffed.

"Well what am I supposed to be doing, Jacob, when you're here taking care of everything, including my wife?"

"That's my job. I'm here to do anything and everything I can to make it easier for Bella. AND for you. So you can both focus on being together and getting in as many moments as possible. I've clearly failed at that."

I turned back to the TV, already sick of his speaking. He watched with me, occasionally throwing his two cents in on the top ten plays.

"Did you always want to be a nurse? You don't seem like the…type…to enjoy a job like this."

I didn't like the guy but I was curious. What can I say.

"Always. My dad was in a car accident when I was a kid and ended up in a wheelchair. My mom had already passed, and I was too young to fully take care of him, so we had nurses in and out of our house for the first couple of years. They did more for me than they'll ever know. It became my mission to help others in the way they helped me and my dad."

"Wow. Jacob, I…I'm sorry."

"Nah, man. I get it. Male nurses are a bit of a joke. My boyfriend still gives me guff for it after five years together."

"Boyfriend?" I asked, sure I heard him wrong.

"James. Ass most of the time to be quiet honest, but for whatever reason, I can't seem to be away from him."

Huh.

"She needs you, Edward," he said, turning serious again. "There are certain things I cannot give her. You need to talk to her."

I sighed, tired of holding in my anger. I had attempted talking to my parents about it but was told this wasn't about me, that I needed to forget how I felt, and focus on helping Bella through to the end.

I hadn't talked to them since.

"I'm so angry with her, Jacob. She's giving up on me."

"It's okay to be angry. But I'm not the one you need to be talking to about this."

"Did she tell you about the study?"

"What study?"

_Thought so. _

"Dr. Ganske thinks she would be perfect for a new treatment trial. But Bella hasn't mentioned it to anybody, myself included."

We sat for a few minutes, the sound of sports highlights the only noise.

"I think I've got things pretty well set up here, Edward. How about I make myself sparse for a couple of days? I'll go over her medications with you, and you have my cell number in case you need me. I'm not far and can be here within five minutes."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"It's my job to take care of Bella AND you. And right now, I think the best thing for both of you is to be alone and talk."

"Yeah. Uhm…thank you…Jacob. Thank you."

Jacob did as he said and only popped in every couple of days to check in. Bella and I spent the few hours she was awake talking. I had asked her why she didn't mention the study, and her reasoning was sound, though frustrating. She simply didn't want to go through more pain and sickness if it wasn't going to work, nor did she want me to get my hopes up.

"I can't see you get hopeful and watch it crush you again if it doesn't work, Edward."

"But baby, what if it does work? Dr. Ganske said…"

"I know what she said, Edward. There's also the fact I may not get in…in time."

She was right, of course. She was always right.

There were a lot of tears and a lot of soul bearing on both of our parts over the next couple of weeks. I admitted my fears of life without her; she admitted she had selfish thoughts about not wanting me to ever marry again. I admitted how I felt about this house and what I would do if she didn't make it; she professed her love for me and asked me to find love again, to bring more life into the world in honor of her. We still couldn't talk about her actual…death. The one time she had brought up how she wanted certain things done for her funeral, I stopped the conversation dead in its tracks. I wasn't ready to go there.

Still, we had made progress.

"Edward?"

"Hmm?" We were lying in bed, her wrapped in my arms yet again.

"I miss you playing."

"Playing what? The piano?"

"Mm hmm." She sighed as I felt her body begin going more limp as sleep overtook her.

"I know, babe. But we had to leave it at my parents. This house just isn't big enough."

"I know." She sighed. "I just miss it."

I kissed the top of her head and pulled us further down the bed, contemplating.

Two days later I had the living room cleared out and my piano returned to its rightful place. It now sat in the middle of the hardwood floor, polished and tuned.

I couldn't wait to show Bella.

I woke her up, unable to contain my excitement knowing how much it would mean to her. Whatever happiness I could bring her, in any way, I was going to do.

"Bella, baby, wake up."

"Edward?" she said, groggy. "What's a matter?"

"Nothing. Come downstairs with me."

"Baby, I'm too tired. I'll come down later, okay?"

"Come on, I'll carry you."

She groaned but nodded her consent. I pushed my arm under her knees and shoulders while she wrapped her arms around my neck. I had a brief flashback to our wedding and suddenly knew exactly what to play for her.

I took her downstairs with very little effort - Bella's weight had dropped down into the eighties. Her head was buried into my neck, and her arms hung limply around me.

"Surprise," I whispered into her ear as we reached the living room.

She slowly glanced up and scanned the living room, confused.

"Edward, why is all the furniture…?" I watched as her eyes went wide and glossed over.

"Is it…?"

"Yep." I smiled down at her as she blinked back tears.

"Oh my god. Edward…oh my god. Will you play?"

I kissed her temple and walked her over to the black bench. It took a bit to get her into a comfortable position, one where she could hold herself up, before I took the seat next to her.

I began to play, moving my hands across the keys with perfect memory. How could I forget the notes of the song playing as my soon-to-be-wife walked towards me.

I watched her and my heart swelled as a tinge of color freckled her cheeks. She was smiling through the cracked lips and parched mouth, tears slowly falling.

I looped the end of the melody and played it again, not wanting this moment to end with her.

She rested her head on my shoulder as the ending notes were drawn out.

"Thank you," she whispered.

I kissed the top of her head and moved to come around and help her stand.

I watched in horror as she attempted to stand up on her own, and her legs gave out from beneath her. I watched in slow motion as her knees bent and her body sunk lower and lower. Her head struck the corner of the piano keys before she collapsed to the ground. Blood began pooling out from the cut above her temple. My mind was screaming at me to move to her, to put pressure on her head, call Jacob, call 911, try to wake her up, do _anything_. My body, however, was stuck. I willed myself to move, but before my mind and body could sync, I watched as Bella's body began convulsing on the floor.

I dropped to my knees beside her.

"Bella? Bella? Baby, stop. Please…stop! Bella!"

I ran to find my phone, and while I knew to call 911 first, it was Jacob's number that appeared.

"Hello?"

"Jacob? Jacob, please. It's Bella."

"Edward? What happened? I'm on my way."

"She tried to get up. She's so small and fragile. Oh my God, Jacob. What did I do?"

"What happened, Edward?"

"She fell. Her head hit the piano. Blood. Seizure."

"Bella's having a seizure?" He was so calm.

Why was he so fucking calm? My wife was lying here dying, and it was all my fault.

"Yes! Please, Jacob. Oh my God. Hurry the fuck up, please!"

"Edward, I'm hanging up and calling 911. I'm two minutes away. I'll be right there. Just hang on."

"My sweet Bella," I said, kissing her left hand.

"Edward…" she whispered.

"My Bella, I love you so much."

She fell back asleep.

It had been four days since Bella's seizure. She had been in and out of consciousness since then.

So many moments I thought she was gone, that she'd left me.

The pain…the pain was unbearable. I couldn't leave her side. I couldn't stop touching her. As long as those machines were still beeping, she was still alive. People came and went, bringing food, drinks, telling me they'd sit with her so I could shower, get a change of clothes.

I refused to leave her.

I held her hand every second, begging her to come back to me.

This was it. This was the end.

Her body wasn't able to fight any longer. My strong, powerful Bella had been eaten away.

I prayed. I prayed harder than I had ever prayed. I prayed for God to take me instead, to let her live.

_Please, God, let her live. Don't take her. Not yet. She's not done yet. She has so much more to give to this world…_

I continued holding her hand to my lips as I prayed. Her head turned over, and she took a deep breath – a sound I never thought would affect me the way hers now did.

"Hey, sweet girl," I said, sniffling back the tears.

I could see her struggle to attempt to talk. It was harder for her now. Just as she was about to say something, Dr. Ganske barged in.

"Bella, good, you're awake."

We turned our attention to Dr. Ganske at the same time.

"What's up…Doc lady? I don't usually…"

_Deep breath._

"…get the honor…of your presence…"

_Wheeze. _

"…in the afternoons."

I watched, painfully, as Bella talked. It was killing me. I knew I wouldn't live long after she was gone. She was my heart and soul, and they were dying right along with her.

I turned my attention back to Dr. Ganske again, equally as curious. We rarely saw her outside of morning rounds to check in, since we weren't in the oncology area of the hospital.

"We just got word that you've been accepted into the cancer treatment trial."

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><p><strong>AN - Okay, so we've caught up with the prologue. I am making it my goal to get another chapter out before Christmas. I'm thinking one or two more chapters and then epilogue. Oh - and the song E plays that B walked too is Canon in D. **


	13. Update

***Update***

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><p>I know it has been weeks since I've posted. The recent surge of readers and favorites and reviews has kicked my butt in gear to get this explanation out.<p>

I said in the beginning this story was being written as a sort of catharsis for me. When I was 15 my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, as well as tumors in his back and brain. My dad was my best friend – the quintessential Bella/Charlie relationship. He was a man of few words but I never doubted how he felt - how proud of me, his only little girl, he was. He showed it in his every action. My parents were divorced at the time so I was his primary caregiver. A year later he died.

Many of the scenes played out in this fic, while a completely different form of cancer, were derived from real life events that happened with my dad. The pain, the anguish, the fear, the anger – these are all real emotions that I still feel to this day. I haven't been able to move on or find that "comfort" people speak about, reveling in the happy memories. It is even harder as I have grown, graduated high school, college, gotten married, had my little girls…all of these events that your daddy should be there for (I cannot watch Charlie walking Bella down the aisle in Breaking Dawn without having a mild panic attack, not gonna lie).

Christmas was his favorite holiday and thus became mine growing up. While it still is, it has become a very painful one was well. February 16th is the anniversary of the day he died, February 17th is his birthday. This year will be nine years and yet it feels like it was just yesterday.

It has been trying to put myself back in that place to convey things properly in this fic. The catharsis I was hoping for has not come; rather it has dredged up a lot of very painful emotions and memories that I had pushed to the back of my mind.

I PROMISE I am going to finish this story. I would be doing all of you, as well as myself, a disservice to not see it through to the end. I almost gave up and pulled this story but my best girl PunkFox825 convinced me not too.

I will be leaving town over the anniversary and hopefully getting the deep breath I desperately need. My goal is to wrap this up as soon as I am home.

I hope you understand and won't give up and flounce this bad boy. Your reviews have brought tears to my eyes (seriously) and if it weren't for your encouragement, I would have given up.

**Stick with me…**


	14. Come Alive

**A/N - My faithful readers: THANK YOU for the kind words of support and understanding during the hiatus of this story. As a die-hard fic reader, I know how painful it is to wait weeks and weeks for the story to continue. I am humbled by the handful of you that have been with me through this ride. We've made it to the final chapter. There will be an epilogue coming soon. **

**I'm dedicating this chapter to my dear friend, PunkFox825. She has been there for me more than I could possibly put into words and I owe her so much from so far away. She's going through her own struggle so please send your love and good vibes her way. I love you, Punk. **

**I owe any and all success of this story to my beta, Tiffanyanne3. She is ridiculously talented but more than that, she's a great friend. It was meant to be that she was the first person to beta this fic. Thank you, Tiff, for all of the hard work you put into being a beta. I owe you a bottle of wine.  
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**Song Credit - Come Alive *Foo Fighters*  
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><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

"It's been eight weeks. If it was working she would have shown signs of improvement by now."

"Not necessarily. Edward, this is a trial. Bella is in the first group of humans we have tried these drugs on. We have no basis yet on how the human body is going to respond. We've been tracking Bella's levels very closely, and there are improvements, however slight they may be."

"Not good enough, doc. Look at her! She's in and out of consciousness, barely breathing on her own. She's got tubes going in and coming out. She was supposed to be getting better."

I held back the tears as I stared at my bed-ridden wife. I knew it wasn't possible, but I felt like my body should have dried up by now. It had been months of fighting with no results. I was so tired of being weak and helpless. I was tired of feeling guilty for being tired while my wife lay fighting for her life. The pain, the heartache, the fear, the unknown, none of it ever got easier.

Within a week of being told Bella had been accepted into the trial, she was moved to the research center attached to the hospital. The rooms, or suites rather, were a home away from home. Easily double the size of a normal hospital room, Bella's bed had real sheets and pillows, not the stiff, sterile shit that adorned normal beds. The couch that sat directly underneath a wall of windows overlooking what they called the "Survivors Garden," pulled out into a surprisingly comfortable bed. The food was fantastic given the dietary restrictions. Patients and families were given unlimited access to a library filled with classics and newly released material, DVDs, and games. There were moments you would hear laughter echoing down the hallways, allowing everyone to forget for just that moment why they were there. This place was a little slice of normality that every single patient and each relative begging for a miracle needed.

Within twenty-four hours of us being moved, a new series of test drugs were being pumped into Bella's body. The treatment was designed specifically for AML patients who had not responded to the standard course of drugs and transplants. The hope was that this specific concoction of drugs, on top of another round of standard chemotherapy drugs, would prevent the mutated cells from reproducing, eventually phasing them out as the chemo killed off the already active cells. Another transplant would occur when no mutations were present, allowing the body to reproduce the healthy cells and, eventually, remission.

That was the goal.

"Give it time, Edward. The initial testing required upward of ten weeks before significant improvement was shown. Don't give up hope yet."

Dr. Ganske's confident outlook did nothing to encourage me. If anything it just pissed me off. She had been granted approval to join on the trial as Bella's treating physician since she was so vested in the case. I was happy she would continue overseeing Bella's care, as we had both come to trust her, but she was not giving me the answers I sought.

What those answers were, I didn't know. I just knew I needed them. I needed my wife back. I needed her back or I needed to let her go. I was nowhere near ready to accept the latter option, but at least I would have something definitive. The waiting was hell. Pure hell. The way Bella's cheeks had pinked up as the news of her acceptance into the trial sunk in, she was finally hopeful. As we sat together over the following week, the faith in her eyes and in her words was contagious. As hard as I tried to keep the hope at bay, I couldn't help but start to think about the future again. We began talking about places we wanted to go and things we wanted to do when she was better. I began promising her the world, just like I did when I asked her to marry me, confident that if Bella said she was going to beat this that she would.

I stared at the cold, hard linoleum floor as Dr. Ganske left the room, the familiar rhythmic soundtrack of beeps and drips playing in the background. That was almost nine weeks ago. I should be thankful we were given a week of hope, of planning, of being free of the weight this bastard of a disease had put on us. But I wasn't.

As soon as the new drugs were administered, the pink hue in Bella's cheeks and the light in her eyes faded. She was throwing up almost 24/7 during the ten days the drugs were given. She was quickly too weak to make it to the bathroom, so I spent most of my time holding a basin underneath her while pushing her hair back as she expelled what little was in her stomach. She eventually stopped eating, and the feeding tubes were put to use again. The minutes of alertness, the conversations of the future quickly became less and less until they were more or less non-existent.

"Edward…" I was immediately at her side at the sound of her muffled whisper. I watched her chest rise and fall as she tried to take a deep breath. She winced as she tried to swallow. "Edward…" She turned her head toward me, eyelids fluttering as she tried to gather enough strength to open them.

"Shh, it's all right. I'm right here." I pulled the blankets up so they lay underneath her chin, covering her collarbone and shoulders. Bella was fighting a constant high fever and during lucid moments begged to have the blankets removed because she was too hot. Looking at her frail body, though…was so hard. It was as if she was a mere skeleton that had been covered with flesh-colored paint. You could follow the lines of each individual bone, even her fingers and toes protruded. At the beginning of this trial, when she was able to talk, smile, laugh, it had looked painful for her to do so, but now, the simple act of speaking, of cracking an eye open, was the equivalent of a marathon sprint for Bella, leaving her winded and exhausted.

"Knock, knock." Jacob peered around the door.

"Hey, Jake," I said, turning my attention back to Bella.

"How's my favorite patient today?"

"She's not your patient anymore, Jake." I sighed, trying to be irritated that Jacob still came around every day as though we were back at home and he was still being paid to cater to Bella's every need. I couldn't be, though. I needed him. Everyone came by almost daily to check in – Mom and Dad, Renee and Charlie, Alice, and sometimes Aya, Emmett, who had taken up semi-permanent residence with Bella's parents, even Rosalie would pop in with updates from the clinic for me as I had gotten another therapist in there taking over for me until I figured out what I was going to do.

More often than not I had to leave the room while they were around, talking to Bella as though she could return the conversation. It was especially difficult to be around Aya while she was visiting. Watching her sit on Bella's bed coloring, talking to Bella about a mean boy at the park and how she had called him a butthead and how sorry she was because she knew Auntie Bella would have been upset with her for saying mean words…my heart clenched. This little girl that had lived a tiny fraction of the years was handling all of this with more maturity, grace, and hope than I could ever fathom.

But Jacob…

Jake had an inexplicable calming force that allowed me to take a deep breath each time he visited. I don't know how, but he always managed to show up exactly when I needed him to, whether I knew it at the time or not.

"Please," he scoffed. "I have these nurses wrapped around my finger," he said, making a swirling motion with his pinky.

"Of course you do." I snickered, knowing how well Jacob played the nurses into thinking they had a chance with him, just to get information. I wanted to kiss him for it.

I sighed. "There are no changes, Jake."

"Not according to the latest results. There's something happening in that there girl." He pulled a chair up on the opposite side of the bed and began rubbing Bella's legs and feet to keep the blood flowing. Yet another thing that I, being a fucking physical therapist, should have been doing for my wife but couldn't. I just sat there, holding her hand in mine, rubbing the little bit of skin covering her fingers raw.

"Yeah, well, not enough. Seriously, Jake, look at her. She should have been improving, not getting worse."

"Edward, her body is fighting a million times harder than it's ever had to fight before. There are drugs contradicting each other in her system, and her body is trying to sort it all out and figure out what the hell it's supposed to be doing. She's exhausted; her body is shutting down to protect itself, to allow itself the time and energy to work without her interfering."

I thought about what Jake was saying. "I suppose that makes sense." Why the six doctors that came in and out all day couldn't have said it that way, I didn't know.

"Her body is responding, dude. I sense it. Give it more time."

"Don't call me dude." We both laughed before returning to our respective ministrations.

The next three weeks were spent much the same. I didn't leave Bella's side other than to shower or go to the bathroom. Thankfully my mom or Alice would bring me clean clothes and take my dirty ones home with them. My days were spent listening to the same reports from the same doctors, watching the same lineup of television day in and day out, daydreaming about the future that would never be, trying to figure out how I was ever going to go back to work, tuning out family members as I sat holding my wife's hand, tracing the circle of her wedding band over and over and over…

"Hey."

I knew I was asleep. I wanted desperately to wake up in case anything happened with Bella, but at the same time I wanted to stay in this dream forever. Bella's fingers, strong and lithe and perfect, were running through my hair. I could hear her voice, whispering to me.

"Edward…"

Heaven.

"Hey."

I could feel the dream slipping away and I fought to hold on, wanting to stay in this memory forever. I hadn't felt those hands in so long. It was tortuous in the best way.

"Ed…" Bella started coughing, shaking me along with it and pulling me to complete consciousness. I refused to open my eyes and come face to face with reality yet. I begged sleep to come back to me, to give me those hands again.

I felt a hand come back down on my head, happiness consuming me that I had been able to fall back asleep so easily. But something was off.

I heard beeps, the rhythmic beeps of monitors.

My head shot up.

My eyes met hers.

Her eyes.

Her eyes were open.

"Bella?" I whispered.

"Hey," she said, a smile trying to appear.

"Bella? Why… You're awake? Why are you awake? You need to rest…" I was so disoriented. When I had laid my head down earlier she was the same, lifeless frame that I had grown accustomed to. There had been no major changes, nothing to signal any improvement that would be bringing my wife back to me. Yet she was awake. She was lying there, hand in mine, those beautiful brown eyes fully open and looking straight into my soul.

"Edward."

Things clicked and I began to panic.

"What is it? What do you need? Do you need some water? God, you've got to have the worst case of cotton-mouth…" I stood to refill her cup when she grabbed my wrist. It was weak, but she was holding me nonetheless.

"Edward."

"What?"

"Shut up. Sit down."

"It's a miracle, Jake. A month ago I was searching my iPod for the perfect funeral songs and now…"

"I told you, man. That girl is a fighter. There was no way she was going to leave you on this earth alone to cook and clean and care for yourself. God, can you imagine?"

We both laughed, watching Dr. Ganske look Bella over yet again.

I had laughed.

For what felt like the first time in almost a year, I'd laughed.

I had kissed over Bella's face for a solid twenty minutes after the initial shock had worn off, holding her face between my palms, repeating that she was there, she was with me, over and over. She promised me she was back for good this time and I knew, in the very core of my being, that she was. We both felt it in that moment. We knew she still had a long recovery ahead of her, but it was as if her heart had found it's rhythm again and thus, mine did too.

She was going to make it.

Bella had improved in leaps and bounds over the last week. It was as if a switch was flipped and her body went from failing to healing. Each day she grew stronger, more cognizant. She was by no means cured and was still frail and fragile, but she was coming back. The doctors were thrilled, astounded at how quickly her body seemed to bounce back. She was under constant supervision and twice daily blood workups to track her progress. I didn't care what the reports said, and I tuned them out most of the time, unable to take my eyes off my wife, off the light that was slowly returning to her eyes.

"I think you're ready to go home."

"What?" Bella and I asked at the same time.

"You've been off the trial drugs for awhile now, you've had the transfusions, and your body isn't reverting. You need to continue the chemo drugs for a while longer, but you can do that from home."

"Dr. Ganske, are you sure…"

"I might suggest," she said, interrupting, "having a home health nurse again until we're through with the chemo. I can make a few recommendations if you'd like…"

"Ahem. That won't be necessary," Jake piped in.

"All right, then," Dr. Gankse said, laughing. "Then I'd say we get you packed up and headed home tomorrow."

We were going home. My Bella was finally coming home. The weight was gone as soon as the realization took hold. I should have been crying tears of joy, but all I could think of was _we were going home_. The light at the end of the tunnel was there, and it was close. My brain was in a frenzy trying to sort out everything that was happening, but all that came through was she did it. She beat this thing. The clouds over my head parted, and the sun shone brighter than it ever had, birds singing, breeze blowing. It was a ridiculously stereotypical vision, but it was exactly how I felt.

"Bella?" I realized she hadn't said a word. She looked up when I said her name, tears streaking her face. I walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, taking her hand. "What is it?"

She sniffed, looking between Dr. Ganske and me. "I can really go home? It's over?"

"It's over, Bella." Dr. Ganske said, smiling.

She turned back to me, more tears pooling. "It's over," she whispered.

I took her face in my palms, wiping the tears away with my thumbs. "It's over." I smiled before placing my lips on hers.

I immediately called everyone to give them the good news, and they assured me they would have everything ready to go when Bella returned home the next day. Most of that evening was spent with nurses coming and going, removing IV after IV from Bella's body, helping her shower and get dressed, and bringing her a celebratory dinner of pizza and ice cream from her favorite restaurant.

After the final checks of the night, Bella and I were left to sleep. I gave her a kiss on the top of her head before crawling into my bed. I lay there, hands behind my head, staring at the ceiling. I was exhausted, but I knew sleep wasn't going to come to me that night.

My Bella was coming home. For a brief instant I felt as though my world would finally go back to normal, but I knew that wasn't going to be the case. Time had felt as though it had stopped during those months we were in the hospital, but I knew it had not. I didn't know what to expect when we left these four walls.

"Edward? You awake?"

I got up and moved to sit on Bella's bed.

"Can't sleep either? I asked.

"I'm scared, Edward."

"Me too, baby. Me too."

"I don't know how to act anymore. I don't want people to treat me different, but I AM different. I can feel that I've changed."

"I don't think you can go through something like this, babe, and NOT change. I've changed. Our parents have changed, Emmett, Alice, Jasper, even Aya. We've all changed."

"I just feel so lost."

"Hey, look at me." Bella turned her head to look up at me, her eyes wet with fear and anxiety. "Bella, you have been through hell and back. But you have proven to be the toughest woman any of us know. We have a long road ahead of us still, but we will walk it together, just like we always have. And if I'm not enough, then we'll find you someone to talk to. Whatever we need to do, we will do. You're going to be okay."

"We're going to be okay," she said, smiling.

"Come on," I said, pulling her with me as I stood.

"Edward, what are you doing?"

"Bringing my wife to bed."

"Edward, we can't!"

"Geez, you perv. I didn't mean it like that. I just want to lay with my wife in the same bed."

I smiled as I felt her relax and follow me to the pullout sofa. She climbed in, pulling the covers up over both of us, burrowing as close as possible. I rubbed her still-bald but beautiful head as she drifted off, and I quickly followed.

The next morning was a whirlwind of doctors and nurses coming in to say goodbye and good luck. I stood by Bella's side as she thanked each of them, even those she couldn't remember. I nodded my thanks and gave the obligatory handshakes, but I couldn't bring myself to feel sad about never seeing these people again. This place, these doctors and nurses, had a very negative stigma attached to them. One I was anxious to be rid of.

Dr. Ganske was the last to come in. She didn't say much as she helped Bella into a wheelchair and led us down the hall. Bella waved one last time to each person as she rode while I attempted to avoid eye contact with the patients still there. We had an unspoken connection between all of us, and as absolutely thrilled as I was that we were breaking out of the joint, I hated that all of them weren't following behind us. I knew that the majority of them would not leave this place on a positive note.

Bella took a deep breath as the doors to the clinic slid open and a gust of fresh air hit us. Dr. Ganske pushed the wheelchair toward our awaiting car.

I inhaled a deep breath and held it. "Thank you," I whispered to the clouds and whatever guardian angel had brought my wife back to me. I moved to the trunk of the car and shoved all of the bags of clothes, gifts, and flowers in, then went to the passenger side where Dr. Ganske was leaned down whispering to Bella while giving her a hug. I could feel the emotional toll of everything bubbling up inside, but I pushed it down as she stood and closed the door.

She had tears in her eyes as she turned the wheelchair back around.

"All the best to you, Edward. Even though I know it's for the best, I'm going to miss seeing the two of you every day."

"Yeah." I nodded. "Dr. Ganske, I just wanted to say..." I hesitated as it became harder and harder to get the words out. "I just wanted to say thank you…for everything."

"No, Edward. Thank you. You guys have unknowingly taught me so much about life, love, about fighting for what you love. It's not hard to become jaded and detached, unemotional after years of seeing people go through exactly what you guys have. Something about you two, about Bella, was different. We fought hard and we won."

"Thank you," I said, holding out my hand.

She moved to shake my hand but instead pulled me into a hug. We stayed in that embrace, silently conveying everything we felt as we both shed tears. She pulled away, wiping underneath her eyes and started back toward the doors.

"Stay in touch, you hear?"

"Of course," I agreed.

I slid into the driver's seat and looked over at Bella. Her eyes were puffy, her cheeks wet and stained red, but she was smiling. I wiped a stray tear away from her eye as she turned to me.

"Let's go home," she whispered.

I leaned across, pulling her to me and kissed each of her eyes.

"Let's go home."

The ride was quiet as Bella took everything in. It didn't really hit me until we were driving home just how long it had been since Bella had been outside those hospital walls. Things were the same, yet they weren't. I held her hand in mine the entire way, afraid that if I let go, I would wake up and all of this would be a dream.

As I pulled into the driveway of our home, a home that neither of us had stepped foot in for weeks, the air in my lungs seemed to vanish. I put the car in park, and both of us sat back in our seats just staring, unable to move, unable to speak. We were home. This was real. We could finally move forward and start our lives over. I didn't realize I was crying until I felt Bella's hand on my face.

"Let's go home," she said, repeating the words that had become our mantra over the last twenty-four hours. I kissed her hand before getting out of the car and making my way around to her. I held her hand as she pulled herself up and out of the car. We both smiled as I shut the door behind her and lead her up the steps to the front door.

The scene in front of us as we walked through the front door almost brought me to my knees.

A large banner with the words _Welcome Home, Auntie Bella_ in Aya's unmistakable handwriting hung across the mantel above the fireplace. Everyone – my parents, Bella's parents, Alice, Jasper, and Aya, Emmett with Rose, Jake – was standing, side by side, hand in hand with tears in their eyes. Candles were lit and pictures were strung everywhere. Pictures from before and during treatment, pictures of Bella at her best and pictures of Bella at her worst. Drawings Aya had made were plastered everywhere, depicting all the things they were going to do.

We all stood silent as everyone took in what was happening. This was a moment that, at one point or another, each of us had questioned happening. All of us but one.

Aya ran to Bella before anyone could stop her. I braced for the jump but Bella, always intuitive of Aya's next move, was down on her knees before she could be pummeled. They held on to each other so tightly, I thought for sure one of them would asphyxiate.

"Auntie Bewwa can we go to the park now?" Everyone laughed, breaking the tense emotion in the room.

"Aya, honey, Auntie Bella still needs lots of rest," Alice said.

"But Auntie Bewwa we have SO much to do. They put a new slide up at the park, and I've gotten really good at my new video game. Oh and I have TWO new movies that we need to watch, but first I have to show you how good I can draw a puppy and…"

"Aya," I started, but Bella held her hand out to stop me.

"How about this, little lady," Bella said, running her hands along Aya's face. "Let's make a list."

"A list of what?" Aya asked.

"A list of all the things you want to do. Anything and everything that you can think of, we'll put on the list. Whenever we finish one of those things, we'll cross it off until we get through everything."

"But that'll take FOREVER."

Bella looked toward me and then around the room, making eye contact with each person for a brief second. As her eyes settled back on mine, I knew exactly what was going through her head. I nodded, telling her I absolutely agreed with her.

She looked back to Aya.

"We have all the time in the world, little lady."

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><p><strong>I figured if I got three readers to follow the journey of this story I would consider it a success. While not in the hundreds, I have so many more of you than I thought possible. Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart, for staying with me. Your reviews make my heart swell. <strong>

**The epilogue is already in the works and will be in the next week or two. I will have a longer final thought at the end. In the meantime, please come say hi on twitter - ThingsMomma**


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